On Living Without Regrets

I started this post at the beginning of the summer, when I was about to turn 28 and was feeling introspective. So, in the spirit of starting to ponder what I'm going to have to show for the decade of my twenties, I bring you: the Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Bronnie Ware is a nurse who worked with patients in the last twelve weeks of their lives. She talked to them about what they regretted, and as she wrote down their responses, she noticed that many of them shared certain themes. Some of them are the things you'd expect—people wished they had kept in touch with friends, worked less, etc. But overall, this list struck me because there's a very specific theme to it, and I've actually heard people mention the list without recognizing that theme. 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many... had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

I find this particularly poignant, because it's something we all do to ourselves—we get familiar with things, with situations, and we just hang on to them because they're what we know. So, so much happiness is missed by thinking, probably subconsciously, that what we already know is best just because we already know it. So much happiness is missed by making choices based on fear. And since these motivations probably are subconscious, the only way to combat them is to make it a point to shake up our routine every now and then. Try something new just to try something new. When we encounter an old belief, take it out, examine it, and see if it's really something we want to keep. I want my life to flow, to feel alive. And there's nothing more central to life than newness and change.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved."

As someone who knows perfectly well that she sucks at long-distance communication... Yeah, I feel this. What is important in life if not the people we care about?

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. 

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result." 

Honestly, expressing your feelings doesn't seem like something that should require so much courage. But it really does. Because expressing your feelings means believing that you deserve to be heard, even if someone else won't like what you have to say (even if you know they won't like it). It means knowing that you're not responsible for how other people respond to you. It means believing that your opinion, your voice, your experience, is worth as much as anyone else's. Sometimes this is a hard thing to believe. (Other times, it's not hard enough. ;) )

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard. 

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

This one's tough, because... Money. We all have to have it. For some of us, working less isn't an option, and I feel like that needs to be acknowledged. The balance between a comfortable life and a meaningful one is so difficult to find, and is largely a matter of privilege. But if we have the opportunity to cut back on how much we work, we may be able to use that time and energy instead to pamper our relationships, to fulfill some of those dreams we've been neglecting, to explore and appreciate the world around us. If we're privileged enough to have the option, sometimes we'll discover that we can be happy with a lot less. I guess that's because less of one thing means more of something else... And maybe it's the something else that would make our lives more meaningful.

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

I find this idea both liberating and terrifying, mostly in two parts. The idea of not experiencing my dreams, especially because of my own choices... That's terrifying. So much freedom, and so much responsibility. I have so many dreams. But living true to myself instead of the way others expect me to live—this is liberating. Learning what is important to me, not what I've been told should be important—that's the most amazing feeling in the world. 

                                                                               ________

So have you noticed the theme? It stuck out to me, but that might be because it's been the particular theme of my life for the last few years. Number one really sums it up: "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

When people were about to die, they regretted having spent their lives doing what they thought they were supposed to do instead of following their own hearts. This isn't to say that those people were constantly unhappy; in fact, I'd guess they probably weren't. Many of them had probably built good lives and had some wonderful relationships and happy times. But you can have a pleasant life without having a fulfilling one. You can be content without being truly happy. You can be comfortable without living your dreams.

I think if we're going to learn from the example of those who've come before us, we need to invest some real effort into finding out what we really want, what we really believe about life. For so many reasons, that is not easy. How do we learn those things? What if we don't have the resources to fulfill them? What happens when people around us don't like the paths we choose?

"We can never know what we want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come... There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold."

The actual quote—from The Unbearable Lightness of Being, by Milan Kundera—goes kind of bleak from there ("And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself?"). I see it, instead, as all the reason we need. We can never know what we want, so if we think we want something, we should go try it and find out.

The people around us won't always like it. Everyone's version of a fulfilling life is going to look different, but humans are a clannish species; we like everyone in our clan to be the same, and we don't like it when someone breaks the norms. For many people, being true to themselves means breaking the norms. Then there's our own fears to overcome, and insecurities about what we're capable of. Living without regrets isn't easy (which is probably why number five was such a common answer). But, as cliche as it is to say this, we only have one life. If we waste it on fulfilling others' expectations, we won't get to go back and do it our own way. And if Bronnie Ware's experience tells us anything, we'll end up regretting it when it's too late to change.

Time to Rest

After creating the universe, all the stars, each grain of sand, the humpback whale and the soft-shell crab, even God tired and took a day off.

There's no argument that we humans, who at our best can only create opportunities and at our worst create havoc, need time to rest.

--Maya Angelou, Even the Stars Look Lonesome

People--women in particular--are sometimes pretty bad about giving themselves the breaks they need. We get caught up in all the things going on in our lives, all the responsibilities and to-do lists, and we start to think those things are more important than they are.

"I believe that should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying "wrong." Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don't think we need more wrongs in our life."  

--Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life

I don't think we do, either; most of us already have plenty. I think it's important to learn to focus less on what we think we should be doing, and more on what we need. It's like we're juggling, and each aspect of life is one of the balls; we think they're all made of glass that will shatter if we drop them, but really they're made of rubber (or at least some of them are). We think there are so many things we absolutely must do, but the number of things we really actually have to do is a lot smaller.

It's okay to have to let some things slide every now and then, to take a break when we need to, and to give ourselves a little time to rest. After all, God rested; and who are we to be above his method?

Conflict Avoidance ≠ Peace

Most people don’t like conflict; this is pretty much a fact of life. However, it is also a fact of life that no one can avoid it forever. Unless you are a mountain man living alone in nature, it is inevitable that at some points in your life you will butt heads with other human beings.

For the most part, trying to avoid conflict is a good thing. No one needs more drama in their lives, and it definitely isn’t healthy to seek out arguments with people. If you’re able to let go of the little things that irritate you, the ones that don’t really mean anything, you’ll be able to make your life much more peaceful.

But there are times when conflict avoidance is not the ultimate high road—when it is, in fact, the wrong road. No matter how much we hate to be involved in disagreements, the hard truth is that sometimes it is necessary. Communication is an essential aspect of relationships, and no relationship can be healthy when one person isn’t willing to acknowledge tension. To be healthy, not just as one half of a relationship but as a person, you simply must be able to express your feelings.

Sometimes people let others walk all over them because they don’t want to start an argument. Sometimes someone does something that really hurts us, but we don’t want to have a fight about it, so we keep silent. Sometimes we bite our tongues because we’re afraid of what will happen if we bring up the issue. These behaviors are incredibly unhealthy, and they lead to other unhealthy behaviors like gossiping and passive-aggressiveness (because everyone needs an outlet). 

When a person’s ultimate relationship goal is to never have conflicts, they are effectively giving other people total control over them. If you put yourself in a situation where, no matter what the other person does, you will not say anything about it, you are allowing that person to decide what happens in your life. This is a misuse of our personal freedom, and essentially puts you in an abusive relationship. We unquestioningly condemn physically abusive relationships, but I think that sometimes an emotionally abusive relationship is worse for the simple reason that you may not even know you’re in one.

Conflicts cannot be resolved unless they are talked through. You may think that you can just ignore something and forget about it, but the fact is that you probably haven’t forgotten about it by just pushing it away. All you’ve done is give yourself time to stew; the same issue will come up again later, and again and again, and each time it will cause you more emotional pain. If you want to overcome the problem, you need to address it.

Don’t let yourself be a victim in your relationships. If it becomes necessary to have an argument with someone, don’t think you’re doing anyone a favor by keeping silent and avoiding it. If you want to have healthy relationships with others and be at peace with yourself, you must learn to deal with conflicts. It’s a ridiculously hard thing to do—believe me, I know—but unfortunately it’s just a part of life, and it’s something we all must learn.

Desired Things

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.


Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952

A Philosophy of Life

One Sunday when I was in high school, a Sunday School teacher gave an object lesson involving a jar full of rocks. I found a handout from that lesson the other day when going through some old school things, and I was struck by how the simplest concepts can sometimes slip past us until someone points them out.


A professor stood in front of his class with a jar full of rocks. He held up the jar and asked the students if they thought it was full; they said yes. He took a box of small pebbles and poured them into the jar, and they slid in around the rocks. The class laughed.


Then the professor picked up a box of sand, and as he poured it into the jar, the sand filled in all the empty spaces. 


"This jar is like your life," he said. "The rocks are the important things--your family, your partner, your health, your children--anything so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed.

image source

"The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.


"The sand is everything else: The small stuff. If you put the sand in the jar first, there's no room for anything else; but if you start with the rocks, everything fits.


"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your wife out dancing. Call your parents just to say hello. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, and fix the disposal.


"Take care of the rocks first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

Remember: Some Scattered Thoughts On Memorial Day

I love Memorial Day - and not just because it usually includes barbecues. I've always loved going to the cemetery to put flowers on my great-grandparents' graves, and later on my grandparents' graves. It's one of those reflection kinds of days that makes me think about where I come from.

I'm fascinated by cemeteries because they're so full of stories about people's lives. I remember going to one as a teenager and finding a headstone for a family who lost something like seven children before they reached the age of three. I always ache for the wives or husbands who lived for 30 years after their spouse passed away. I try to think about the people who have passed on and the people they left behind.

I spent some time in Europe taking a class about World War I. We visited several military cemeteries, including some that were entirely full of unknown soldiers. It breaks my heart to think about the families who never really knew what happened to their loved ones because they were only identified as missing.

The other day I was wandering around Columbus, IN and found this amazing war memorial. It had about 25 pillars, and on each one there were names of people who had been killed in wars in the past hundred years. Some of the pillars also had letters from soldiers to their families, followed by their death date. It was such a powerful way to think about the tragedy of war to see a letter about how excited one boy was to drive his new car when he got home, followed by a death date a few days later. There's something about last letters and last words that makes them hang in the air in a very special way.

There's a collection of poems I love called The Spoon River Anthology by Edgar Lee Masters. It's entirely a collection of epitaphs, and taken together, all of these snippets of people's lives give you the full picture of life in a small town. This has always been my favorite because it's so full of the simple wonder of an ordinary life.

Lucinda Matlock

I went to the dances at Chandlerville,
And played snap-out at Winchester.
One time we changed partners,
Driving home in the moonlight of middle June,
And then I found Davis.
We were married and lived together for seventy years,
Enjoying, working, raising the twelve children,
Eight of whom we lost
Ere I had reached the age of sixty.
I spun,
I wove,
I kept the house,
I nursed the sick,
I made the garden, and for holiday
Rambled over the fields where sang the larks,
And by Spoon River gathering many a shell,
And many a flower and medicinal weed--
Shouting to the wooded hills, singing to the green valleys.
At ninety--six I had lived enough, that is all,
And passed to a sweet repose.
What is this I hear of sorrow and weariness,
Anger, discontent and drooping hopes?
Degenerate sons and daughters,
Life is too strong for you--
It takes life to love Life.

I'm not really sure what all of these thoughts mean together. I think I just want to say that it's important to me to remember those who have died. It reminds me that I want to live well.

It's a Brand New Day

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Live In The Now

The weather has been great lately and I realize that it's so much easier to get up and out the door. Everything is better when the sun is out and the day is cool and breezy. So, I was driving to work and heard the lyrics, "It's time I forget the past and just learn to love what I have," and that got me thinking. I've been dwelling a lot lately. Not so much moping about how things are or regretting things I have done or wishing for things to be different, but dwelling on how certain things used to be.

My social situation is not ideal. My work situation is not ideal. My living situation is not ideal. None of those things are what I hoped they would be at this point in my life, but that doesn't mean they are bad. I have a friends, old and new, that I can talk to whenever I need them. I (finally) have a job that is paying me well and that I enjoy going to every day. I live with family and I get cuddles from my nephews anytime I want them. There are things in my life, right now, that are wonderful. Dwelling on the past only makes those things seem less wonderful and puts me in a bad mood.

And, here's the truth of it, I don't want to be back where I was. I've been there. I left those places and situations for a reason. Yes, I loved always having someone to go do something with whenever I felt like it. Yes, I loved the freedom of living on my own. Yes, I miss a lot about those times and people and situations. But why should that mean I am less happy with my current times and people and situations? The past should enhance our present and if it doesn't, then there's no point in dwelling on it.

I guess the point of this ramble of a blog post is that we should look around and enjoy what we have right now. Love the place where you live and the people that are around you. You never know when things will change and regret is one of the most unlovely things in this world. You don't want to get so caught up thinking about how things used to be that you forget to see how things are.