Being Grateful During Cruddy Circumstances

My little family just got back from a really fun trip to the San Francisco/Oakland area. My husband had a video production job there for one day and we decided we'd just add an extra plane ticket and have a last hurrah before our toddler turns two and doesn't fly for free any more, because at that point we figure we'll probably never fly again.

On the last day of our trip, we loaded up our rental car with all of our stuff because we were going to do a little more sightseeing and then we were going to go down to San Jose to stay with my friend for the night so that we didn't have to wake up at 2 am to make our 6:00 flight (plus we had borrowed some bedding from friends that we didn't want to return at 2 am, because that seems like a bad way to thank someone for lending you their stuff). We found a great parking spot just behind Ghirardelli Square and had a really fun four hours, then we trudged back to the car happy and exhausted, sure our toddler was about to fall asleep in the car while we drove around a bit more before we headed out.

Only when we got there, there was something funny about the back window of our rental van. At first we thought it was a shadow from some trees - then we realized that the window was broken.

We rushed to look in, because the van was FULL of stuff, including quite a bit of equipment my husband brought with him for his job - a backpack full of soundboards and cameras and video equipment, plus a laptop bag with two laptops in it.

The backpack was gone.

My husband went down the street to the hotel on the corner to ask them what the number was for the police, and the security guards told us that our car was actually parked right under a security camera - and that there were similar break-ins on this street all the time. A homeless guy would walk up to a car, wave at the security camera, break the window and walk off with people's stuff, and no one would do anything.

Since we were in a rental, we had to make a police report even though we were sure they wouldn't do anything. The concierge at the hotel called them and told us that it would be two hours before anyone could get there. We realized at this point that we hadn't paid for the insurance for the rental, and the very limited insurance we carry for our clunker car wasn't going to help either, so we would also get to pay for the window.

There we sat with our exhausted grumpy toddler, stewing about our stupidity and bad luck, feeling robbed of stuff and our vacation. After 2.5 hours we called the police again to check on things, and they had no record of the previous call, but also they said we could make that report over the phone. So . . . great. We made a report, put our little girl in her pajamas and drove off to my friend's house to put her to bed (plus my husband had to go to the rental car place to fill out a report about the window issue, since they wouldn't be available when we went back at 4:30 the next morning).

So to sum up, the last day of our vacation went like this:

• We got robbed, and the thief made off with about $2000 worth of equipment (most of which he probably won't get anything out of because he won't know what it's worth). 
• We didn't get the rental car insurance, so we would be paying for the window he broke out of our own pockets.
• We had to sit in the car for three hours with a tired toddler waiting for police who were never coming, thanks to faulty information from the dispatcher.
• We didn't get to do any of the other fun things we wanted to do in our last few hours of vacation. 

However, my husband is incessantly positive once he gets over his initial frustration, and some of it has rubbed off on me. As we were sitting there in the car--and in the days following-- we've realized a few other things. 

• Right next to the backpack was a laptop bag containing two MacBook Pros and a piece of equipment that for no reason I understand is worth $1400 (a piece that had been in the backpack on our way down, I might add). If the thief would have picked that bag, the loss to us and the company would have been more like $8000 - plus the laptops had the job my husband had just done but hadn't delivered yet on them. It could have been a lot worse. 
• We weren't anywhere nearby when we got robbed. We were never in danger, we just came back to a broken window.
• The window was the only damage to the car - probably the least expensive fix for us.
• We're in a place now where this kind of loss doesn't equal total devastation to our bank account. It's certainly not ideal and we don't have a lot of extra money to throw around, but after a year of hard work and insane budgeting and some good luck, we have an actual emergency fund. 
• We found out a couple of days later that our Visa card (which we used for the car rental) actually has insurance for collision and theft for car rentals, a thing I would never have thought to check but which my brother did, so we shouldn't have to pay for the window after all. 
• We had friends who put us up for the night after it all happened and who were offering support throughout the experience. It was so nice to come back to a home with friendly faces and offered leftovers instead of to a hotel, and it was nice that we had options for rides if things had worked out differently with the rental car. 

It would be easy to look back on this trip with frustration and anger and let those last few hours of our last day ruin the whole thing. But the truth is, we had a lot to be grateful for once we started looking for it, a fact that I think is almost always true, no matter the circumstances. So instead of remembering this vacation angrily for years to come, I'll remember it like this: 

And this: 

And this:

How has gratitude helped you feel better about a bad situation?

Keep Calm

I love this print. I'm know it's fairly popular and a lot of people love it, but I wanted to post it here anyway. I have a little red journal I carry in my purse with this print on the front. I keep it with me so I always have a place to write down thoughts for this blog because this blog is one of those things that reminds me to "keep calm and carry on."

Keep On Keeping On

"Lots of people limit their possibilities by giving up too easily when things get tough. Never tell yourself--"this is too much for me. It's no use. I can't go on." For if you do you're licked, and by your own thinking, too. Keep believing and keep on keeping on."
- Norman Vincent Peale

Changes

I came across this article while perusing the internets, 30 Days to a Happier Life. It's a short guide (nine steps) taken from a book, The First 30 Days by author Ariane de Bonvoisin, that is meant to help you adapt better to change. In the article, de Bonvoisin says, "Change is the one constant in all our lives.... And learning to embrace it is the most valuable tool in helping you love your life more."

I hate change and I used to be very bad at dealing with it. I was never good at it when I was younger then there was a year in high school when things were constantly changing and a lot of hard stuff happened. Looking back, I think I pretended to be fine with things till I could no longer stand it then I just got angry. Because of that year, my mom still holds off as long as possible to deliver difficult news to me and she generally is the one to tell me, not my dad or sister, it has to come from her. I love that she is still protective of me like that, but I have long since learned how to deal with change and hard times in a healthier way.

Having shared that, it takes a lot of hard work. It takes constant reminders to be positive, to focus on an end goal, to look at the bigger picture. I like that this article and the nine steps outlined in it are all essentially saying that to deal with change, you must be optimistic. You have to think positively about yourself, your support system and your new situation, whatever it may be.

Personally, I really make an effort to be a more positive person and it's a tough thing. But, when all else fails, I look at the problem or the approaching change or even the lack of change when I know one is sorely needed and I tell myself that it's temporary. My entire life will not be defined by the events that happened during my 15th year or my 26th year. Change can be hard, but with the right attitude, it doesn't have to be.

Queen of Your Own Life

On the Today show one morning last week, Kathy Kinney (formerly of the Drew Carey Show) and Cindy Ratzlaff were guests talking about their book, Queen of Your Own Life: A Grown-up Woman's Guide to Claiming Happiness and Getting the Life You Deserve--which is exactly what it sounds like. These women have decided that it's time for them to take control of their own happiness and get out of the negative patterns they've been living for most of their lives.

I thought this was really great. Women, and people in general, have a tendency to look to other people for their happiness--if you aren't getting enough recognition at your job, if you aren't going out on dates, it's easy to let those kinds of things determine your happiness. But these women have decided that they don't want that for themselves anymore.

"We weren't born knowing how to be happy, it's something we have to practice." This was said on the show, and I think it's an excellent point. There's something about the human condition that makes people gravitate toward negativity--complaining about a crappy job can be a bonding thing with your coworkers, or getting together with girlfriends and bashing all the terrible boyfriends you've had. It's true that these kinds of things can help connect people, but they're also bad habits that can really affect the overall quality of your life.

So instead of doing that, one of the ways you can practice being happy is to focus on all the good things about yourself and in your life. We've talked before about the power of affirmations and positive thinking, and the Queen of Your Own Life women are doing the same thing. They have this statement on their website:

Let’s pretend that a reality television crew followed you for 24 hours, recording everything you said, wrote and thought about yourself. Then they transcribed all of your self-descriptive utterances into writing and gave the list back to you to read. What kind of picture would emerge about you?...

Any time you catch yourself casting dispersions on your own beauty, strength, intelligence or abilities, stop. Think of new, positive words to replace the old ones. Here’s an example:

OLD WORDS: “Why can’t I figure out how to upload these photos to the online printer? I’m such a chowderhead!”

NEW WORDS: “Look at me, learning a new skill. Woot! My goodness I’m adventurous. Even though this is hard to learn, once I do learn it—and I will—there’s no stopping me.”

Positive speech is one aspect of their new lifestyle (and can I just say that I love the word chowderhead?), and it can really have a big impact. Like I said, we've talked about it before, but try it out--take some time and pay attention to all the little negative things you say throughout the day, whether you're kidding or not, and then make an effort to replace those comments with positive ones. Be nice to yourself, be nice to your coworkers, try giving people the benefit of the doubt. Focus on good things around you, and take charge of your own happiness.

This Queen of Your Own Life thing is a fun, slightly silly way to approach a serious change in your life. You can even have the official crowning ceremony if you want, like they did--if you're interested in doing that, you can get free certificates from their website, including a crown of arms. So have some fun with it, and whether you do the crowning ceremony or not, be queen of your own life--decide for yourself what your happiness will be, and don't let your circumstances dictate it for you.