"Know how to listen, and you will profit even from those who talk badly." --Plutarch

I have been reading a book. It's called Enough Already! Clearing Mental Clutter to Become the Best You, by Peter Walsh, and so far I'm enjoying it quite a bit. What I know about Peter Walsh is that he helps people get rid of clutter in their homes and in their lives, leaving them free to move on from the past and have healthy relationships in the future. This book is about clearing mental clutter, and one of the first areas he addresses is communication. Relationships with family, friends, significant others, coworkers, bosses, teachers, sales clerks, and random strangers all thrive or fail depending on our ability to communicate. It's essential to life, and an important skill to develop. With that in mind, here are a few points from the book.

• You know how sometimes when you're arguing with someone, you start thinking about the next thing you're going to say before they're finished talking? Walsh calls that overtalking. Don't do it. It's incredibly rude to cut someone off and start talking over them; if you start planning out your next response in your head, you're effectively doing the same thing.
  


• Examine your priorities--do you care more about winning the argument or finding a resolution to it? Is it more important that you get your way, or that you come to a solution that you can both agree with? Letting go of the need to win can be difficult, but you know what else is difficult? Fighting all the time.


• Learn to listen--without multitasking. Do you have your phone out while your partner (or whoever) is talking to you? Are you watching the TV behind them, flipping through a magazine, or playing a video game? If you are, stop. If someone wants to talk to you, put whatever you're doing down and focus on them. Make eye contact. Pay attention and you already set groundwork for a smoother conversation.
  


• Don't make every conversation a negotiation. If your spouse has a complaint, don't immediately counter with your own comparable one. This conversation is about him, not you--listen to what he has to say, and address his concern.
  


• Don't give pop quizzes. You hated them in school, and they're just as lame in a relationship. If you set your husband up to fail, he will fail. Don't passively hope for something and then be upset when you don't get it, especially if you know it's an area that isn't a strong point for him.

I think the basic principle of all these points is respect. Approach every conversation with respect for the other person, and speak to everyone the way you would like to be spoken to. If you try out some of these tips I think you'll find a lot of improvement in your relationships with people.

Guest Post: Bite Me

Today we've got a special guest post in honor of a certain movie release. Julie sent us this post yesterday and since we can all get behind the romance and the ridiculousness, we are delighted to present it here. Go crazy.

I am 29. In one month I will be 30. My bestest girl friend just turned 29 and is freaking out a little about this. Our lives are ruled by responsibility and repetition. We are feeling a little down about this. We have both been married 9 years, and are stay at home moms raising our children. At this stage of motherhood, the only way to shake things up is to get involved in something and feel a sense of accomplishment. Some join the PTA, others a book club; many get a part-time job just to get out of the house. But what about stirring up those emotions we felt when we were young? This good friend of mine actually told me we needed to ask a single 21 year old what she does for fun. Yes, we are that pathetic.

I read a comment on Facebook by a friend who was totally annoyed by all this New Moon hype. I had similar feelings about the Twilight movie release (I was still a little in denial). But this time I feel differently. What makes grown women attend a midnight showing of a movie geared toward teenage girls? What makes them wear t-shirts proudly announcing “Bite me Edward”? I will tell you what. It is fun. It is not because I am obsessed over the characters. It is because of the emotions it stirs up inside of me. I WANT my heart to race over something other than being late for carpool. And I can relate to the themes in the books.

Twilight: Falling in love; a forbidden love.
New Moon: Being dumped; loving two men.
Eclipse: Choosing between two lovers; cheating on your boyfriend with fiery hot kisses.
Breaking Dawn: Getting married, going on a honeymoon; pregnancy, childbirth; fighting to keep your family.

I have experienced ALL of these events, and let me tell you, it is sure fun to live them over again. To feel all these complicated and deep emotions through a book is awesome! I love escaping my responsible life to feel like a young desirable girl again. Is that wrong? I don't think so. It tells us something that almost every movie theater across the U.S. is sold out for opening day weeks in advance.

You know what a single 21 year old does for fun? She screams over hot boys on the covers of magazines, dreams about kissing the sexiest man alive, and goes to midnight premiers of movies. She doesn’t worry about the 5 am feeding of her 6 month old baby, or packing her kid’s lunch for school. She throws that all to the wind and giggles in the theater with her girlfriends while waiting for the show to start. And that is what I am going to do. This is how I feel alive: I embrace silly experiences to feel young again.

Special thanks to Lindsay Heinzen of Penguin Stands Alone for not being too mad at us that we didn't originally know where the awesome Edward/Jacob picture (above) came from. It's her lovely/hilarious work. We love it and you should all shower praise on her head. Thanks Lindsay!

Slay Your Own Dragon

A friend shared this with me today and I like it so I'm passing it on to you.

#212 Remember that most fairytales were written by men.

"Some of the greatest writers of children’s fables were male: The Brother’s Grimm, Hans Christian Anderson, even Walt Disney. You are not a tiny princess awaiting rescue by a valiant man, a symbol of frailty and naïveté, or the punch line in a morality tale. The women in those stories were crafted by a different sex at a different time for a different audience; these days you slay the dragon yourself."

A Bit Facetious Perhaps, But True Nonetheless...

Some people in this world would like you to think a negative thought has never furrowed their brow. Those are the people who snap. Have you ever wondered why, when the police are digging up the graves in the back of a serial killer's house, the neighbors always say, "But he was such a nice man! He was so quiet!" Uh-huh. Too quiet.

--from Waiter Rant, by The Waiter

Be Free

There is something so nice about having free time, just fifteen minutes where you are free to do whatever you like without the worries of housework, homework, work work, etc. Time where you can actually take a break and breathe and let your mind rest...and I'm not talking about sleeping. Sleeping is still something you HAVE to do. I really enjoy those moments...those "turn off your mind" moments and yet, I still don't take advantage of them like I should.

I tend to guilt myself out of those moments. There are dishes to do and toys to pick up and work to be done. Sometimes, though, those moments catch me and I love them for it. I get online to be productive and I end up having an enjoyable conversation with a friend instead (productive, but in a different way). I plan on using nap time to fold laundry or get a head start on dinner and I end up taking a nap myself or getting caught up in whatever book I'm reading at the time. Later, I scramble or I just go with the flow, but that time to myself was the best thing I could do for me and whoever else I'm spending time with (usually my nephews).

I definitely am the type of person who puts everyone else first. This can be a good thing, but I have come to consider it a flaw in a lot of ways. I can run myself ragged doing all sorts of things for all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons because I genuinely enjoy being able to help and serve the people around me. Then, when I get a chance for some free time, I struggle to actually enjoy myself and to use that time for myself and that can take its toll.

Sometimes we just get so caught up in taking care of other people, we forget to take time for ourselves. We take care of our friends and children and family members and at the end of the day we realize we haven't taken any time to think. Sometimes I realize I haven't taken the time to shower or put on clothes I would wear out in public or, you know, eat. I know I'm not alone in this.

So don't guilt yourself out of free time and remember that it is okay to say no to some things simply because you want to (this should be my mantra). Take some time for yourself to "be free." Free of schedules and obligations that take you away from your home and your family and yourself, whether that means a ten minute phone conversation with a friend (just to make sure you're both still kickin') or a two minute breather on the front porch.

Don't Tweeze Your Life Away

I'm about to give you the deepest reading on tweezers that you have ever read. Yes, deeper than all of those other readings on tweezers that you have on your bookshelves.

I have a love/hate relationship with my tweezers.

I love them because it bugs me when there are hairs about that I don't want, and with tweezers I can easily eliminate it. And I don't know if anyone has noticed, but pulling out an obnoxious, unwanted hair is really satisfying. (Is this just me? Is that a really freaky confession?)

I hate them because they're the reason that I'm bugged by the unwanted hair in the first place. Why did I ever start picking away at my eyebrows? Why do any of us? Just because Carmindy tells us we should? And I know why and probably won't stop, but it's really, really annoying - especially when you just want to get that hair out and you can't quite get it. You know what I'm talking about. (Or this is all a very freaky confession, as postulated above.)

And the more I think about it, the more I think this is what I do with my life in general. I pick away at the little, insignificant imperfections that no one else notices and I pick at them obsessively. But it never makes my life better to just keep plucking at it. Thinking about the things I didn't finish (or even attempt) today makes me feel sick to my stomach, but it doesn't make them done. Thinking about the imperfections with the little things about the way I look just makes me dissatisfied with the overall product without making anything better.

Sometimes I feel like the picture I've included here (which, by the way, displays the freckle in my eye). It's like I have perfectly plucked eyebrows but forgot to wash all of the green dust off my face. I don't want that to be my life. I want to focus on making myself better in the big things in life instead of getting stymied by the little things that I just can't . . . quite . . . get . . .

My final thought comes from T.S. Eliot. I was re-reading some of his poems the other night (because I promised my roommate that anyone could enjoy poetry if he or she didn't have boring poetry rammed down his or her throat and I was trying to decide whether "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" could fall into the category of "not boring poetry" for someone who isn't me) and I came across these lines:

Do I dare

Disturb the universe?

In a minute there is time

For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse

For I have known them all already, known them all:-

Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;

I know the voices dying with a dying fall

Beneath the music of a father room.

So how should I presume?

The first part of this is the part that everyone remembers, and I've always liked it, but the part that stuck out to me this time was "I have measured out my life with coffee spoons." I like that imagery of measuring your life with an action so insignificant and precise, always wondering whether you could presume to know or do more than is expected of someone in so tiny a life as yours. The problem is that if we wait and wonder "Do I dare and do I dare?" for too long, our life ends up like Prufrock, with us saying, "That is not it at all, That is not what I meant, at all."

So you can take this literally or figuratively. Worry less about your tweezers (or whatever tiny thing bugs you about your appearance) and/or worry less about the tiny, precise things that bother you about your life and think more in terms of presuming than in terms of measuring with tiny spoons.

Contagious Behavior

"Those who can relate to you will love [watching what you are doing]...while others fascinated by it will want to learn more by gravitating to you. Teach others what makes you good and different. Don't be afraid to take risks, and encourage others to do the same. Behavior is contagious...both good and bad. Be with those who support you, and support those you love. What goes around comes around." - Julie Chen (anchor of CBS's Early Show and host of Big Brother)




*Quote taken from Exactly As I Am by Shaun Robinson

Guest Post: Elisabeth

Elisabeth is my sister-in-law, Mike's favorite older sister. She got married in March, and lives in Ogden with her new husband Jeremy. Lis has a bachelor’s degree in Behavioral Science from Utah Valley University, and now works as the library aide in the local high school. She loves to read, write, and play the piano, and she’s always the first to suggest playing a game with the family.


Back when I lived in Provo, there was a restaurant that had really good slow-cooked pulled pork (one of my favorites) and I really liked going there. I went one time by myself and asked the lady behind the counter a question about the menu. She looked like a nice middle-aged mother... until she opened her mouth and made fun of me and my question. I don’t think she meant to hurt me intentionally (still not sure about that) but it did. I didn’t think it was that stupid of a question, but she made me feel like it was. So all of a sudden I felt really uncomfortable, and I could hardly stand finishing my transaction and waiting for my food because her whole manner was offensive. I didn’t go back to that restaurant for a while just in case she was the lady behind the counter. Finally I did end up going again because the food is good, and there was a girl my age at the counter and she was one of the friendliest cashiers I have ever met. After I got my food and walked out, I felt really, really good. It wasn’t just because I was getting good food, but it was the way she was so friendly and open and happy. It made me want to go back again the next day.

The reason for this story is that I have noticed, especially the last eight years or so, that there are some people who try to force themselves on you, force their opinions, their actions, and their responsibility on you, and you respond a certain way because of how they acted toward you. Sometimes I find myself saying I agree with those people even though I don’t necessarily agree just because it’s like they’re forcing their opinion down my throat, and if I didn’t agree I would be the stupidest, most ignorant person in the world. People like that expect everyone to agree with them because they think they are always right, and they want you to know they are right too.

On the other hand, I’ve had many encounters with people who are so open, kind, loving, friendly, happy, and all around lovely, that I feel uplifted and confident after I’ve talked with them because they exude loveliness and loving.

As part of becoming lovely myself, I’ve tried to put a smile on my face, not make snap judgments, accept all types of people, and leave myself open to new experiences and friendships. Many times I’ve made snap judgments about people only to get to know them better and realize that they are great people. It’s something I work on constantly. I know though, that as I learn to smile and be open to people, both of us feel better afterward.

Be Handy

I spend a lot of time sitting in front of a computer - for work, for school, for recreation - it's all the same and it isn't all satisfying. I mean sure, I do good work on a computer, but when, after hours of sitting and typing all I have to show is a bunch of so-called "files" and "letters" on a screen - I mean, are those even real? :)

I was listening to this NPR podcast called To the Best of Our Knowledge, and there was a guy talking about the value of physical work and how it's becoming a lost art. Many of the "blue collar" professions are looked down on because we tend to value knowing things over knowing how to do things. The guy they were interviewing had written a book called Shop Class as Soul Craft. The guy had a doctorate in philosophy but he wanted to talk about why manual work is important - in general for the world at large and specifically for the people who do it. If you're curious, you can listen to it here. (I think it's the second segment of the show.)

About the time I moved away from home, I discovered that I really like putting things together or fixing things. I don't mean really complicated things like toasters. I mean easy things like clogged sinks (see photo) and smelly hair-filled vacuums. (Now that I think of it, many of the things I fix involve cleaning up after hair-shedding incidents.) I also like putting things together, like furniture from IKEA or floor lamps from Shopko. I like sewing on buttons and gluing things and hanging pictures (hammer time!) and anything else that involves doing something that ultimately results in something working better or looking better or coming together. (Strangely, cleaning never falls into this category, although I do like vacuuming. Dusting just seems like a losing battle against entropy, doesn't it?)

I like the feeling of self-reliance I get from fixing something or building something. I like knowing that I'm not afraid to stick my hand in the back of a toilet, and that usually I can solve the puzzle back there and get it to stop running. (Although sometimes this does involve a phone call to my dad, but being able to explain the problem and follow directions is also fulfilling.) It's satisfying to look at something, see what the problem is, remove the problem and move on with your life (usually with a clean floor and a quiet toilet).

One of my dad's very favorite quotes is from this ridiculous Canadian comedy show called Red Green. (It's on PBS and it's all about flannel shirts and duct tape. I offer an example below in case you're curious.) Anyway, the quote is "If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."

Now, let's be clear. I'm not advocating that you all go out and buy stacks of duct tape. That's not what this blog is about. But I think that sometimes feeling a little handy can create loveliness - around you and within you - just because you confronted hair in your drain and came out victorious. Build a shelf. Pick up a wrench. Use a hot glue gun. You'll like it.

Sunny Days, Where Have You Gone?

Here on the lovely blog we've been talking a lot about learning to feel good about yourself, creating your own confidence by taking chances, and cutting out some of the excuses you give yourself for not doing things. But sometimes these things don't work for some people, no matter how hard you try, and that can make you feel even worse about yourself. With that in mind, I want to take a minute and address depression. At different times in college, I had three roommates who had depression. I also have several family members who suffer from it, and I do myself. This leads me to believe that depression is much more common than most people think, and less recognized.
I didn't realize that I had depression until I left college. Up until then, I just did a lot of wondering what the heck was wrong with me. (This is our first indication that depression is not very well understood, because believe me, all the signs were there. I just didn't know what they were.) I failed several classes that I should have aced, because I just couldn't go to class most days. I wanted to go--I loved my classes, enjoyed them when I was there, loved learning the material. I also knew how much I needed to go, and had horrible panicky feelings knowing that I would be in big trouble and probably fail if I didn't. And yet I couldn't do it. 90% of me wanted to get up, get dressed, and walk up to campus, but somehow there was a part of me that kept me from doing it, and it didn't matter how small that part was--it was in charge. I felt like the laziest, crappiest student ever. I stayed home, giant journaling and watching Pride & Prejudice, or listening to self-indulgently depressing music. I was sullen and withdrawn, and my roommates probably thought I was the pissiest person they'd ever lived with (and possibly bipolar, because when I'm in a good mood, I am in a good mood. I'm loud and funny and slightly insane.) Which probably made it all the more confusing when they'd come home and find me lying on the floor in the living room with the lights off and my headphones in with my iPod up as loud as it would go.
Anyway. The moral of the story is that if you have depression, you need to be taking a different approach to becoming lovely than women who don't. Depression is a totally different thing than being lazy, and it can be really hard to realize that you have it. If you do, then it's important to realize it so you can stop beating yourself up for not being able to do the simplest thing on your to-do list, and figure out a way to make yourself better. While we're on the subject, I would like to recommend that everyone do some research on depression, and find out what it is really about--because chances are good that someone close to you has it, and we could all do with a little more understanding.