What the World Needs Now...

I read a lovely little story the other day. It's in Hillary Rodham Clinton's biography, Living History, and she quotes her husband giving the eulogy at her father's funeral.


"In 1974 when I made my first political race," he said, "I ran in a congressional district where there were a lot of Republicans from the Middle West. And my future father-in-law came down in a Cadillac with an Illinois license plate; never told a living soul I was in love with his daughter, just went up to people and said, 'I know that you're a Republican and so am I. I think Democrats are just one step short of communism, but this kid's all right.' "


This warmed my heart, and I don't think it happened because of anything special about Bill Clinton; I believe it was something special about Hugh Rodham. His daughter described him as a staunch Republican who "started out in life inheriting every prejudice imaginable in his working-class, Protestant family--against Democrats, Catholics, Jews, and blacks--and anyone else considered outside the tribe."


The truth is that most of our negative ideas about people who are different from us aren't really true, and deep down, I think most of us already know that. But it takes incredible maturity and humility to be able to overcome long-standing, deep-seated prejudices; to realize that what you believe, maybe even what your parents and grandparents believed, just isn't true; to understand that a person can be a truly good person and still have beliefs, traditions, and a culture that are completely opposite of yours. 


Human beings are infinitely complex creatures, and yet for some reason we like to try and simplify each other. The fact is that you can't know someone based on their religious affiliation, their political convictions, their hobbies, their race, their job, where they live, or the emails they forward. These are all external factors, motivated by something deeper (or sometimes just circumstantial), and we can't know what that motivation is without getting to know a lot more about the person.


I wonder if there any differences that couldn't be overcome if we could learn to treat everyone like a member of our family whom we have to love, even if we disagree with them. As a very lovely man said, "Love is the only force that can erase the differences between people or bridge the chasms of bitterness." It takes a lot of strength to become this kind of person--but imagine what the world would be like if we all tried.

Talk to the Hand

I think it's fair to say that society has changed a lot in the last hundred years. We have technologies that our ancestors couldn't have been imagined, and the way we dress couldn't be more different. And hey, the word "society" doesn't even mean what it used to. Our language has changed significantly, and our behaviors have changed too. These changes have brought about great things like civil rights, suffrage, and the end of the old rigid class system; but we've lost a lot of good things in the transition as well.

A while ago I read a book called Talk to the Hand: The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door. It's essentially a rant about the loss of manners in the modern world by Lynne Truss, one of my favorite British writers, and I'm going to let her help me explain what I'm talking about.

"The utter bloody rudeness of the world today is about a lot of things... but I think what most dismays many honourable people is the way 'deference' has become a dirty little demeaning word, while its close relative 'respect' has become a cool street-crime buzz-word mainly associated with paying feudal obeisance to those in possession of firearms. Both words have lost their true meaning. Deference is not about lying down and letting someone put their foot on your head. It is not about kow-tow. It is about assessing what is due to other people on all sorts of grounds...

The crying shame about modern rudeness is that it's such a terrible missed opportunity for a different kind of manners--manners based, for the first time, not on class and snobbery, but on a kind of voluntary charity that dignifies both the giver and the receiver by being a system of mutual respect."

I've often thought that one reason it's so difficult to express your feelings when someone is grieving is that we simply don't use the right kind of language for it anymore. We don't say things like, "my condolences" in everyday speech, and maybe we don't try because we feel pretentious. But how much more simple would it be if people could just express their feelings without worrying about what words are acceptable?

I may have mentioned a book called The Four Agreements on this blog before, and in reference to this issue I've been trying to apply a principle from that book that says, "be impeccable with your word." One of the definitions of this is to "use your energy in the direction of truth and love;" to me, it means a few things:

• that I don't say things I don't mean
• that I am kind and careful with my words, because words have a lot of power and I do not want to use that power to hurt anyone
• and, perhaps most of all, that I am honest about my feelings, and don't worry about what other people will think of them

Sometimes I think I was affected by public school more than I should have been. What I mean is that when I meet someone who is obviously not included in others' social groups, I still feel the temptation to avoid them myself; when I remember someone's birthday or college major or something they once told me about their mom, I want to pretend that I don't because it feels more cool to be aloof. I'm learning to stop this.

The world would be a much lovelier place if people could learn to respect each other and speak with kindness instead of cynicism. Life would be so much more pleasant if we could learn to express ourselves simply and honestly, and remember the manners our mothers taught us.

I Might As Well Be Comfortable.

Have any of you seen this episode of Seinfeld?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0Hbu4Z4pGI

Yeah. I'm pretty sure I think of this every single time I wear sweatpants or pajama bottoms outside of my house. Also, I'm confessing to the internets that I am a person who wears sweatpants or pajama bottoms outside of my house. At least now I make sure they match whatever shirt I'm wearing.

The thing is, I have felt like this a lot lately. Maybe it's the cold, rainy days or because I had a cold or whatever, the reason doesn't really matter. I've been wanting to lounge around. I wear yoga pants to work most of the week and I justify it by saying it's okay because I'm a nanny and yoga pants are so much easier, but it really is just a justification. I need to suck it up and wear real clothes.

The good part is that, outside of work, I have been ignoring my desire to lounge and have instead been going and doing things. I've been getting ready and going out and telling myself I look cute (even when I severely doubt my own judgment) and it's been fun. Crazy how that works, huh?

I guess I tend to let myself forget about the message I'm sending out to the world with my appearance. Wearing sweatpants is kind of like telling everyone you've given up on life...either that or you are just too stinking tired to worry about putting on a pair of jeans and a cute shirt. When you do put that time into how you look, though, it helps. People will be able to see how you feel about yourself and will treat you in kind.

Of course, this probably still won't keep me from wearing my yoga pants to work, but I'm okay with that.

Beware the Me Monster

If any of you love Brian Regan as much as I do, you will probably be familiar with this bit. It's one of my favorites:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QvSoRQrVJg

I have actually been meaning to write this post for few days, and when I visited Prudent Baby on Tuesday I was reminded that I hadn't done it yet. That entry is exactly what I have been wanting to write about:

#214 Try not to wait eagerly for people to finish their stories just so you can tell your own versions that more directly involve you.

I am of the opinion that when you are telling a story--whether it's one you're upset about or one you're excited to share--one of the most annoying things someone else can do is wait until you're done, then try to top your story with their own. Phrases like "that's nothing" or "consider yourself lucky" often come up when people jump in to share their own four-wisdom-tooth tales.

Remember that communication post we had up a couple weeks ago? Remember the part about overtalking? Well this has a lot to do with that. If all I'm thinking about the whole time a person's talking is how much better my story is, or how I can't wait to share it, then I'm not giving that person the attention they deserve. In addition, if the first thing I say after they stop talking is "that's nothing," imagine how that person feels. I have had this done to me many times, and I'm sure you have too, so it isn't that hard to imagine how the person feels. What we need to do is make sure that we never do this to other people.

You don't have to say one of those phrases for it to count, either. If you don't start with "consider yourself lucky," but then go on to tell a story in which you make the other person's story sound less important, then it's just as bad. No one should do this to people, because it doesn't feel good. We need to have respect for people that we're talking to. This doesn't mean you can't share your own related story; just don't do it as though you're competing. Say something that shows you empathize; acknowledge their frustration or excitement or pain; let them know you feel for them. Something like "Oh yuck, I'm sorry. I know how you feel, I had something similar happen to me, and it sucked" (or, "Yay, that's awesome! I'm so excited for you!"). Then tell your story. They won't mind if you do it that way. Good communication means having respect for other people, responding to them the way we would want them to respond to us... and not being a Me Monster!

Guest Post: Elisabeth

Elisabeth is my sister-in-law, Mike's favorite older sister. She got married in March, and lives in Ogden with her new husband Jeremy. Lis has a bachelor’s degree in Behavioral Science from Utah Valley University, and now works as the library aide in the local high school. She loves to read, write, and play the piano, and she’s always the first to suggest playing a game with the family.


Back when I lived in Provo, there was a restaurant that had really good slow-cooked pulled pork (one of my favorites) and I really liked going there. I went one time by myself and asked the lady behind the counter a question about the menu. She looked like a nice middle-aged mother... until she opened her mouth and made fun of me and my question. I don’t think she meant to hurt me intentionally (still not sure about that) but it did. I didn’t think it was that stupid of a question, but she made me feel like it was. So all of a sudden I felt really uncomfortable, and I could hardly stand finishing my transaction and waiting for my food because her whole manner was offensive. I didn’t go back to that restaurant for a while just in case she was the lady behind the counter. Finally I did end up going again because the food is good, and there was a girl my age at the counter and she was one of the friendliest cashiers I have ever met. After I got my food and walked out, I felt really, really good. It wasn’t just because I was getting good food, but it was the way she was so friendly and open and happy. It made me want to go back again the next day.

The reason for this story is that I have noticed, especially the last eight years or so, that there are some people who try to force themselves on you, force their opinions, their actions, and their responsibility on you, and you respond a certain way because of how they acted toward you. Sometimes I find myself saying I agree with those people even though I don’t necessarily agree just because it’s like they’re forcing their opinion down my throat, and if I didn’t agree I would be the stupidest, most ignorant person in the world. People like that expect everyone to agree with them because they think they are always right, and they want you to know they are right too.

On the other hand, I’ve had many encounters with people who are so open, kind, loving, friendly, happy, and all around lovely, that I feel uplifted and confident after I’ve talked with them because they exude loveliness and loving.

As part of becoming lovely myself, I’ve tried to put a smile on my face, not make snap judgments, accept all types of people, and leave myself open to new experiences and friendships. Many times I’ve made snap judgments about people only to get to know them better and realize that they are great people. It’s something I work on constantly. I know though, that as I learn to smile and be open to people, both of us feel better afterward.