Teaching Kindness

Remember that time when I wrote about how my husband and I went to San Francisco and our rental car got broken into and it was okay because we sat and thought about things to be grateful for?

Well. Apparently we should never go on vacation. I've decided when we go on vacation we either have to have vomiting kids or car trouble of some sort, because or last few vacations have gone as follows: San Diego - clutch goes out on the car on Christmas Eve; Texas - CB gets carsick in the middle of the night and vomits all over twice; San Francisco - the aforementioned car getting broken into; Tucson - CB gets some kind of horrible stomach bug and starts throwing up right as we pull up to a hotel and then throws up all night; Texas again - parts go shooting out of our engine 3 hours from our destination and our car is totally trashed.

This last one was extra special because we'd only just bought the car about six months before, we had two kids in the car, and it was the beginning of our vacation after a year of not seeing my husband's mom. We'd decided to stop for the night just three hours out because we didn't see any point in driving until 4 am, and about two miles down the road the next morning we heard a horrible knocking that rapidly turned into a loud clang and smoke.

I could write another list about all of the things I thought of to be grateful for this time around, because I was shockingly calm about the whole thing and noticed lots of reasons that we were really lucky. (My husband had a harder time getting to that point, since he'd done a TON of research before he bought the car and felt pretty mad about it going out on us, but he got there eventually.) However, what really stuck out to me was how kind people were. At least 5 cars stopped in the hour we were sitting on the side of the road on a highway that wasn't all that busy. Some of them just slowed down to ask if we needed water or snacks until the tow truck came. Some told us they would pray for us. Some offered rides and advice. One family on their way to a funeral stopped and asked if we needed anything, then CAME BACK a few minutes later because they'd noticed there was a truck stop just over the hill and thought it would be a better place to wait with two babies. They totally rearranged everything in their truck to cram us and our car seats and our essentials in, and it was so much better to wait near a bathroom in the truck stop restaurant eating spaghetti and chicken strips and coloring than it would have been to wait by the side of the road for 3 hours for my brother in law to come and get us. (And, by the way, my incredibly kind brother-in-law ended up driving 7 hours for us that day, which I'm sure is not how he was hoping to spend his Saturday.)

When we got back from Texas, my two and a half year old had a few days where she was just royally grumpy and trying, (and this after a week of mixed interactions with her cousins, some wonderful and lovely, some of which resulted in hitting and crying in pursuit of possession of the coolest toys at Grancy's house). She was having potty accidents and wasn't listening and wasn't being very nice (a friend of mine calls it re-entry sickness - that craziness kids get adjusting to normal life after vacation), and I was just at my wit's end. Her favorite thing in the whole world right now is dressing up in princess dresses, and suddenly in the middle of another uncharacteristic fit I had an inspiration. "You know sweetie, princesses are always kind and nice. If you aren't kind, I don't think you can be a princess. It's fun to dress up, but it's more important to be kind and nice to people."

This totally struck a chord with her, and over the two months that we've been home from Texas. I have occasionally taken princess dress privileges away for periods of time until she can show me that she's being kind. My husband and I talk to her about being "nice and kind" daily. Sometimes hourly. As with most things, it seems to be getting easier for her with practice. She routinely points out unkind behavior to me when she sees it in a movie or at the playground and says things like, "[Blank] is being mean! That's not very good!" When I point out to her that her behavior isn't kind she is quick to tell me, "But I am nice and kind!" and then we talk about what we can do that would be better - what would be kinder. I make a big deal about it when she shares with her little sister without being asked, when she shows she is thinking about other people, when she thanks me for the yummy dinner even though she hasn't actually tried it yet and might not.

It's easy to think about yourself. It's especially easy for a preschooler to only think about herself, because her brain just hasn't developed all the way yet and she just hasn't developed that much empathy yet, and it's easy to just ignore children's inability to be kind and assume that they'll just grow out of it - which I suppose to some extent they probably will. But the more I talk to my daughter about kindness, the more I realize that how important it is, and how effective it is even though I know some things will come better with age. She talks better and better each day. She's starting to recognize letters. She's getting stronger and more agile and more beautiful every day. But the thing that matters most to me is that she's also getting better at being kind. I can see a difference already, and she has so much time to learn to be really kind and wonderful. Maybe someday she'll be the one stopping to help someone broken down by the side of the road, reminding them that even though things are bad right now, it will be okay - because people are kind. 

Why I Love MasterChef Junior

Image modified from http://pixabay.com/p-366875/?no_redirect

Not often do I find myself completely enamored with a television show, but here I am, writing about how I’ve fallen head over heals for MasterChef Junior.

MasterChef Junior is a reality show where children (ranging in ages from 8-12) cook for world-renown, professional chefs (including celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay). Now, before you roll your eyes at the words “reality show” or say “not another cooking show,” hear me out -- this isn’t another cutthroat competition show where you watch it and feel disgusting after, and it’s not another Saturday morning cooking show where the same dish seems to be made over and over. This is, when it comes down to it, a show about kids with strong character, kindness, heart, positivity, and a lot of determination.

Reasons why I love this show:

• I can watch it and forget completely about the negative news, things on my to-do list, the ice dam on my roof causing my living room carpet to be soggy. I mean everything. I find myself sitting there, rooting for every child to do well, heart swelling for those kids as they triumph over the challenging dishes they’re tasked to make. 
• These kids have such great character! They are encouraging, positive, realistic (with their own cooking triumphs and struggles), and so helpful! They go out of the way to help their competitors, and they do it with such kindness. When their competitors are eliminated, genuine hugs and encouragement are given. I want to live in a world this kind all of the time. 
• Those kids are remarkable! They’re doing amazing things with French or Japanese or other advanced cooking techniques (thinks I’ve never heard of), and they have to use step stools just to see over the counter.
• British accents are wonderful -- Don’t let anyone tell you any different. (This one is definitely a minor detail, but still adds to the enjoyment of the show.) 
• The chef-judges have such high expectations for their young chefs (and the young chefs know it and definitely give their all for them), but they don’t let that get in the way of them making real connections with the kids, being silly, being encouraging, and showing their protégés respect. You can see how proud the judges are of the kids and their accomplishments, and how hard the elimination process is for them.

Watching this show is like getting an hour-long hug. The kids are extraordinary, the judges are firm, but kind and encouraging, and the result is such a positive experience for the audience (and I would imagine everyone involved with the show as well). If you happen to find yourself with an extra hour or just want to bring some positivity into your home, I recommend turning on MasterChef Junior.

(This is just my own personal option regarding this show. We've not been compensated or rewarded in any way for this blog post, other than the warm-fuzzies I get simply by watching this lovely show.)

It's Okay to not Like Absolutely Everyone*

Growing up in a small town, everyone knows everyone. The people you know in daycare (before you even hit preschool) are the people you graduate with, and then you go off into the world for awhile. But before that, when you're growing up, your friends are those around you. When I was little there were a few rules regarding friends. I know there's a much longer list, but a couple that stand out now are:

• Everyone in your class gets a Valentine; everyone.
• If you were going to have a birthday party you had to invite all of the girls in your class (there was also that rule that you had to have your room clean in order to have anyone over, let alone have a party. Needless to say, I very rarely had friends over because my room was very rarely clean...if ever...)

I must have cleaned my room at least once in my childhood... 

As a kid, these rules were great and wonderfully inclusive, and I appreciate my parents having these types of rules. It's never fun to be left out, and it is so important to show kindness to all. Having worked as an educator in the public schools, I only appreciate this further. Having said that, now as an adult, I'm working on being okay with not having to like everyone.

Let me clarify. I like people. People are awesome. Everyone really does bring something special to this world, and I appreciate that. As I grow into myself, I have realized that I don't necessarily need to be everyone's best friend. In fact, I don't need to be everyone's acquaintance. There are some people whose personalities click and friendship comes easily. There are some whose personalities don't click but somehow the friendship still works. And there are some people who are just not meant to be friends, and that's okay.

It's okay to not like absolutely everyone you meet.*

In my life, both professionally and personally, I encounter a wide range of people. The older I get (and maybe this is the Matlock-and-Antiques-Roadshow-watching, I'm-too-old-for-this 80-year-old coming out in me) the more I find myself thinking “I don't think I'd like being friends with them.” Now, this thought isn't mean, or rude. It's just more self-aware. I am more conscious about bringing positive people into my life because it's the positive people who inspire me. It's the positive people who encourage me. It's the positive people who make me want to be a better person.

*Now, having said all of this, I hope you can read between the lines and know that just because I am aware that I don't necessarily like someone or want to be friends with someone it doesn't mean I am promoting being mean, rude, or inconsiderate. Like I said before, I really do believe everyone brings something special to this world, and everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. It's also important to remember to respect yourself by letting the right kinds of people into your life. I want to spend my time, which is really my most valuable resource, with people who are positive, and I want to be that person for others.

Is this something you've struggled with? How have you found your friendship balance?

Giving Good Gifts

I am not very good at giving gifts.

I want to be. I like getting gifts, so I assume people like receiving them as well. From me, even. But I realize there's an occasion for which someone should receive a gift from me and I freeze.

What do they want? I think. How much can I spend on this? Should I make them something? When would I make them something? What would I make them? Why would I make them that when I don't know how to make that and never have made anything like that and it would probably be complete garbage? When will I get it to them . . .

You see where I'm going with this.

What's ridiculous about this is my mom is probably the best gift-giver in the entire world. (Although Lindsey is a pretty close second.) My mom is the kind of person that hears you mention off-hand that you've been thinking that maybe you'll start looking for a good biography of Abraham Lincoln to read, and months later she'll give you one for your birthday, and it will be perfect. (I use this example because this is precisely what happened to my husband on his birthday. I think he mentioned it once back in September, and she sent him Team of Rivals for his birthday in February.) She has a cubby in her room full of things that she saw for someone somewhere and just bought and saved it for the right occasion. (That's another problem I have. When I do find something I want to give to someone, I just want to give it to them, not save it for months. And then their birthday rolls around and I don't know what to get them.)

But the coolest thing to me about my mom's gift giving is that it doesn't stem from the fact that she loves to shop (although she does). When my mom gives me a gift, it's so clear to me that when I talk to her, she listens. She internalizes what I say, stores it away, and then she uses her secret ninja knowledge to buy me the perfect present months later. She gives me things that I want, but she knows what I want because what I want is important to her. Because she loves me.

The gifts are not important. The love is important. And when you really care about someone, and you make an effort to listen to what they need, you will know how to give them what they need from you - whether that's the perfect birthday present, a note of encouragement, a listening ear, or a hug.

I may not be as good at figuring those things out as my mom is, but I've got a great example and a lifetime to practice.

What the World Needs Now...

I read a lovely little story the other day. It's in Hillary Rodham Clinton's biography, Living History, and she quotes her husband giving the eulogy at her father's funeral.


"In 1974 when I made my first political race," he said, "I ran in a congressional district where there were a lot of Republicans from the Middle West. And my future father-in-law came down in a Cadillac with an Illinois license plate; never told a living soul I was in love with his daughter, just went up to people and said, 'I know that you're a Republican and so am I. I think Democrats are just one step short of communism, but this kid's all right.' "


This warmed my heart, and I don't think it happened because of anything special about Bill Clinton; I believe it was something special about Hugh Rodham. His daughter described him as a staunch Republican who "started out in life inheriting every prejudice imaginable in his working-class, Protestant family--against Democrats, Catholics, Jews, and blacks--and anyone else considered outside the tribe."


The truth is that most of our negative ideas about people who are different from us aren't really true, and deep down, I think most of us already know that. But it takes incredible maturity and humility to be able to overcome long-standing, deep-seated prejudices; to realize that what you believe, maybe even what your parents and grandparents believed, just isn't true; to understand that a person can be a truly good person and still have beliefs, traditions, and a culture that are completely opposite of yours. 


Human beings are infinitely complex creatures, and yet for some reason we like to try and simplify each other. The fact is that you can't know someone based on their religious affiliation, their political convictions, their hobbies, their race, their job, where they live, or the emails they forward. These are all external factors, motivated by something deeper (or sometimes just circumstantial), and we can't know what that motivation is without getting to know a lot more about the person.


I wonder if there any differences that couldn't be overcome if we could learn to treat everyone like a member of our family whom we have to love, even if we disagree with them. As a very lovely man said, "Love is the only force that can erase the differences between people or bridge the chasms of bitterness." It takes a lot of strength to become this kind of person--but imagine what the world would be like if we all tried.

Time Tested Beauty Tips

This poem was not written by Audrey Hepburn, as many an email forward has claimed; it was written by Sam Levenson, but the lovely Audrey quoted it often. (It does seem like the kind of thing she would say, doesn't it? And that is why we love her.)

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anybody.

source (and a lovely story)

Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands: One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

--Sam Levenson

Talk to the Hand

I think it's fair to say that society has changed a lot in the last hundred years. We have technologies that our ancestors couldn't have been imagined, and the way we dress couldn't be more different. And hey, the word "society" doesn't even mean what it used to. Our language has changed significantly, and our behaviors have changed too. These changes have brought about great things like civil rights, suffrage, and the end of the old rigid class system; but we've lost a lot of good things in the transition as well.

A while ago I read a book called Talk to the Hand: The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door. It's essentially a rant about the loss of manners in the modern world by Lynne Truss, one of my favorite British writers, and I'm going to let her help me explain what I'm talking about.

"The utter bloody rudeness of the world today is about a lot of things... but I think what most dismays many honourable people is the way 'deference' has become a dirty little demeaning word, while its close relative 'respect' has become a cool street-crime buzz-word mainly associated with paying feudal obeisance to those in possession of firearms. Both words have lost their true meaning. Deference is not about lying down and letting someone put their foot on your head. It is not about kow-tow. It is about assessing what is due to other people on all sorts of grounds...

The crying shame about modern rudeness is that it's such a terrible missed opportunity for a different kind of manners--manners based, for the first time, not on class and snobbery, but on a kind of voluntary charity that dignifies both the giver and the receiver by being a system of mutual respect."

I've often thought that one reason it's so difficult to express your feelings when someone is grieving is that we simply don't use the right kind of language for it anymore. We don't say things like, "my condolences" in everyday speech, and maybe we don't try because we feel pretentious. But how much more simple would it be if people could just express their feelings without worrying about what words are acceptable?

I may have mentioned a book called The Four Agreements on this blog before, and in reference to this issue I've been trying to apply a principle from that book that says, "be impeccable with your word." One of the definitions of this is to "use your energy in the direction of truth and love;" to me, it means a few things:

• that I don't say things I don't mean
• that I am kind and careful with my words, because words have a lot of power and I do not want to use that power to hurt anyone
• and, perhaps most of all, that I am honest about my feelings, and don't worry about what other people will think of them

Sometimes I think I was affected by public school more than I should have been. What I mean is that when I meet someone who is obviously not included in others' social groups, I still feel the temptation to avoid them myself; when I remember someone's birthday or college major or something they once told me about their mom, I want to pretend that I don't because it feels more cool to be aloof. I'm learning to stop this.

The world would be a much lovelier place if people could learn to respect each other and speak with kindness instead of cynicism. Life would be so much more pleasant if we could learn to express ourselves simply and honestly, and remember the manners our mothers taught us.

Do Not Even the Publicans the Same?

From the lovely Molly at Smart, Pretty, and Awkward:


How to be (less) Awkward: It is more or less implied you are proud of someone you love when they have a success in their life. “I am so proud you got straight A’s,” “Great job landing that design internship,” etc. But it much more powerful to say, outloud, that you are proud of people even when they are not having classically defined successes. “I am proud of you for getting out that harmful relationship,” “I am proud of you for sticking through that tough time at work,” etc. When you love someone remind them often and frequently that you are proud of them for all the things they do — all of the things.

Lesson Learned, Whitney: Be Someone Else's Biggest Fan

Here's essay #8 by the lovely and brilliant Whitney Roberts Ehle.

As a teenager, I remember several older people at church who would ask me about all the details of my life: my favorite school subjects, crushes on boys, my life goals, etc. These mentors would also tell me that I could take my talents and interests and use them to reach my goals. Their confidence made feel confident that I would be a Broadway singer, a heart surgeon, a famous novelist. I invited my mentors to my high school plays, and they came. After I sang a solo in church, they always made sure to tell me how well I had sung. They encouraged me in my desire to live a Christ-like life by praising me for the good decisions I made. Above all, their interest in my life made me feel insanely fascinating and exciting. I felt good about myself and my abilities when I was with them.

When I left for college, I found myself living in an apartment with six other girls who were all amazingly talented, intelligent, and beautiful. I loved my roommates dearly, and we were really good friends. But I found myself feeling mediocre. My ability to sing or play the piano was no longer anything out of the ordinary. After all, every Mormon girl can sing and play the piano, right? For a long time, I tried to do anything that would bring me the praise and confidence boosts I missed receiving from my high school mentors.

One day when I was singing slightly louder in church, so that the person sitting next to me would compliment me, I realized how ridiculous I was being. Yes, I was being plain ridiculous! The girl sitting next to me had a beautiful voice, and she probably liked it when others told her. After the song was over, I told her that her voice was beautiful, and I learned that I didn’t need to begrudge others the compliments that were their due. Rather than diminish my self-worth by complimenting my neighbor, I had actually increased my confidence. No, I didn’t necessarily feel more capable of conquering the world with song, but I felt more confident in my ability to love.

Conversationalizing

I loved these entries from Smart, Pretty, and Awkward; they're from different days, but they're all about being kind and helping people to feel comfortable and included.

 How to be (less) Awkward: In a group conversation, never let anyone become an island. Always be working to make sure everyone feels connected, involved and included  in the conversation.


How to be (less) Awkward: One of the quickest ways to draw others out of their shell is to ask about people important to them in their life. When someone asks me what’s new, and I’m feeling shy, I usually just say “oh you know–same old!” But if someone asks me what’s new in my best friend’s life, or how my sister likes college, or if my roommate has gotten a dog yet–I go on and on. When I feel shy, I find it is so much easier to talk about others rather than myself, and so I imagine others feel the same way.


How to be Smarter: Focus on being interested in others, rather than being interesting to others. By being interested, you instantly become interesting.


I think one of the biggest mistakes we all make is assuming that other people are more than us--more relaxed, more popular, more interesting, more put-together, smarter, cooler... Whatever. But feeling insecure about ourselves can sometimes prevent us from reaching out toward others who may actually be feeling just as uncomfortable as we are.

Gives Me Hope

I feel like I've been posting a lot about websites lately, but I discovered one today that makes me really happy. It's called Gives Me Hope; people write in with Twitter-length entries about experiences that gave them hope, and some of them are incredibly sweet and inspiring. Since we've been talking about hope, I thought I'd share; these were a few of my favorites from what I saw today.


One day when I was younger I walked to the nearest 7-11, and saw a homeless man standing with a puppy.
A couple friends told me to not give him money cause he'd waste it on drugs/alcohol. But I gave him two dollars.
He walked into the store and came out with a can of dog food to feed his puppy. He even gave me back change; 2 quarters. 
That man GMH.

Comment on #68086 (0) Jun 11, 2010 12:00 AM by Lanna, Aurora,CO - Inspiring feats

One day I passed a woman walking two dogs.
One was missing a leg, but they were both limping. I asked what happened. 
She explained that the injured dog had lost his leg, and that the other dog was copying him so he wouldn't feel alone. 
Caring pets GMH
Comments on #67987 (0)Jun 10, 2010 09:00 PM by Mimblewimble, Frederick, MD - Random acts of kindness


For three years, I gave a dollar to this one homeless man everyday on my way home from work.

I hadn't seen him at his usual place in the past month.
Today, I called for a cab to take me to the airport. And that homeless man was now my taxi driver.

Comments on #67718 (1)

Jun 8, 2010 11:00 PM by San Jose, CA - Inspiring feats

When I was a freshman in high school we had a Spring Concert.

I got my period during the concert and it stained my light blue dress. 
The senior girls huddled around me on the way out for intermission, and rinsed and blow-dried my dress in the girls' room. 
Their compassion for a little geeky freshman GMH.

Comments on #62913 (4)

May 28, 2010 12:00 AM by Somerville, NJ - Amazing friends

When my brother was in kindergarden, he couldn't stop talking about how cool and funny his best friend Jeremy is.
When we met him, we saw he was in a wheelchair. On the way home we asked my brother why he never told us that Jeremy was in a wheelchair. 
He simply said, "Because it isn't important." 
My brother's acceptance GMH.
Comments on #61990 (3)May 26, 2010 02:00 PM by Hanna L, Toledo, OH - Inspiring feats

Ladies (and gentlemen)--almost every one of these made me cry. There are some really amazing stories on that site. 


What gives you hope? I'll tell you mine--websites like Gives Me Hope, and like this Facebook group based on a PostSecret. People caring for each other gives me hope. 

Facebook Wisdom

I have a friend whose Facebook profile sports this text in the "About Me" section.

Wouldn't this old world be a better place if the folks we meet would say,"I know something good about you!" and then treat us just that way? Wouldn't it be nice to practice this way of thinking? "You know something good about me, I know something good about you."

What a surprisingly sweet sentiment, I thought when I saw it. This blog ever in mind, I googled it to find out where it came from, and I got nothing--which leads me to believe that it's my friend's own wonderful brain that came up with such a lovely thought. Wouldn't it be nice if that's how we approached every person in our lives? Imagine the way your interactions would change if the first thing you thought about a person was something good about them.

Whether it's someone you're meeting for the first time or someone who's been around for years, you can acknowledge something good about a person. If nothing else, it might simply be the fact that this person is another human being slogging through the same messy world that you're trying to get through. So instead of jumping to the first available negative conclusion, let's assume something nice about people. We might be wrong, but it won't matter.

Operation Beautiful

Today I discovered Operation Beautiful.

A friend posted this picture on her Facebook profile, accompanied by a link to the website. I checked it out, and immediately wanted to share it with you. 

It looks like the premise of Operation Beautiful is that women go around leaving anonymous post-it notes with uplifting messages for other women to find--messages like these:

What a lovely idea! Check out the website (http://operationbeautiful.com/), and maybe do a little anonymous posting of your own where you live.

Think Before You Type (Or: Be Kind Part 2)

So . . . I'm sure you're all aware that some political things happened this week. Political things and other polarizing things happen often, and we're not here to talk about them here. We are going to talk about Facebook.

Yesterday I watched a lot of conversations develop on my Facebook newsfeed. Many of them were not nice. Some of them had elements that were barely human. People were screaming at each other (figuratively, although I suppose it could have been literally as well - who's to know when the conversation is virtual?) about things that had very little to do with who the individuals involved were, and everything to do with their opinion about one political issue. I'd like to say I couldn't believe it, but I've seen it before. It just never fails to make me feel sick to my stomach.

The biggest issue for me is actually this: I hate it when people forget it's okay for someone to have a different opinion than they do. It doesn't make them bad people. It doesn't even necessarily (gasp!) make them wrong. It would be nice if it made them a nice counterpoint for your viewpoint so that you could both understand an issue better from both sides, and when people can remember that not everything has to be about who wins and who loses, sometimes those really great conversations happen and everyone comes out with a better understanding. It's just that so often - too often - it's much too easy to boil everything down to "I'm right, you're wrong, and what's more, you are a bad person for being wrong." And at that point, all conversation and learning stops and it's all just rage and hurt feelings. No one convinces anyone of anything when they are shouting at them - in person or virtually.

But I think the scariest part about the way we function on Facebook or blogs or Twitter is the way people can forget that the name and picture (or even worse, the disembodied text) they are responding to is a person - and not just a random stranger, but a friend. (Unless you're one of those people who actually talks to those random people you add on Facebook after you meet them once. You know who you are. Winky face.) I'm almost sure that about 80% of the really angry things people were saying wouldn't have been said if the conversations were happening face to face. Because the conversations happened online, they said completely hideous things to each other without feeling a twinge.

Bottom line: hate is not lovely. Cowardly hate on the Internet is even less lovely. It's easy to fall into the trap, but standing up for what you believe in and attacking the people who don't believe it are not the same. Be courteous. Be kind. But most of all, be aware of the fact that just because the person isn't in front of you doesn't mean their reaction isn't going to be real.

Be Kind

The other night I was talking to a friend about fun, gossipy, drama-filled things, and I got a little carried away. I suddenly realized after one of my friend's responses that I had been saying things about people that I really liked that I didn't really mean or want to say about them, just because I was enjoying the thrill of the drama. I felt stupid and humbled and wished I could take back what I said and replace it with only the good things I see in these people.


That was when I started thinking about this song by David Wilcox. Dave tends to get a little cheesy sometimes, but in spite of it, he always feels very sincere and true to me. (I think the word that could best be applied to his music is "earnest.") Anyway, he has a song called "Kindness" (see a live performance on Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSlMAdFe4BY) that I've always kind of liked, either despite or because of this earnestness. Here are a couple of stanzas:

I love your sense of humor

I love to see you smile

I love your sense of balance

I love your sense of time

I love your music in the morning

Your rhythm in the night

But it's your kindness

That shines so bright . . .

Yes I love your wisdom

Your knowledge of the past

Your willingness to listen

And taste for what will last

Your compassion for the suffering

And your solid happiness

But it's your kindness that I love best

I think the thing I love about this is the way it goes through so many qualities that I love - in others, in myself - and then tops them all with kindness and compassion. Is there any better testament to what makes you lovely than that? Yes, your sense of humor, your intelligence, your education, your wisdom and all of those things you love make you lovely, but it's kindness that makes the biggest impact on the people around you.

God bless us, every one.

“Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.” — Charles Dickens

That middle one might be one of the hardest things a person can try to do, but if you can manage the other two, the third will come along eventually. Remember that everyone has problems, and you don't know what they are. If you assume that everyone is trying their hardest and doing their best, you'll find it a lot easier to accept them when they fail.

Guest Post: Elisabeth

Elisabeth is my sister-in-law, Mike's favorite older sister. She got married in March, and lives in Ogden with her new husband Jeremy. Lis has a bachelor’s degree in Behavioral Science from Utah Valley University, and now works as the library aide in the local high school. She loves to read, write, and play the piano, and she’s always the first to suggest playing a game with the family.


Back when I lived in Provo, there was a restaurant that had really good slow-cooked pulled pork (one of my favorites) and I really liked going there. I went one time by myself and asked the lady behind the counter a question about the menu. She looked like a nice middle-aged mother... until she opened her mouth and made fun of me and my question. I don’t think she meant to hurt me intentionally (still not sure about that) but it did. I didn’t think it was that stupid of a question, but she made me feel like it was. So all of a sudden I felt really uncomfortable, and I could hardly stand finishing my transaction and waiting for my food because her whole manner was offensive. I didn’t go back to that restaurant for a while just in case she was the lady behind the counter. Finally I did end up going again because the food is good, and there was a girl my age at the counter and she was one of the friendliest cashiers I have ever met. After I got my food and walked out, I felt really, really good. It wasn’t just because I was getting good food, but it was the way she was so friendly and open and happy. It made me want to go back again the next day.

The reason for this story is that I have noticed, especially the last eight years or so, that there are some people who try to force themselves on you, force their opinions, their actions, and their responsibility on you, and you respond a certain way because of how they acted toward you. Sometimes I find myself saying I agree with those people even though I don’t necessarily agree just because it’s like they’re forcing their opinion down my throat, and if I didn’t agree I would be the stupidest, most ignorant person in the world. People like that expect everyone to agree with them because they think they are always right, and they want you to know they are right too.

On the other hand, I’ve had many encounters with people who are so open, kind, loving, friendly, happy, and all around lovely, that I feel uplifted and confident after I’ve talked with them because they exude loveliness and loving.

As part of becoming lovely myself, I’ve tried to put a smile on my face, not make snap judgments, accept all types of people, and leave myself open to new experiences and friendships. Many times I’ve made snap judgments about people only to get to know them better and realize that they are great people. It’s something I work on constantly. I know though, that as I learn to smile and be open to people, both of us feel better afterward.