I work at a university library. We're a small school, the kind of place where students are involved with at least 5 extra-curriculars and are taking 19 credits. It's easy for our students to feel overwhelmed, particularly our women. There's a lot of pressure (external and internal) on young women today. That's why my heart was so warmed when I saw this in the women's bathroom at work. Our young women have each other's backs! Check out these affirmations that were left to help lift others up:
You are loved
You look good
Damn girl
You sexy
Get that coffee
Success starts w/ you
You're unique
Be positive
Be confident
I love you
You got this
You're beautiful
You're perfect
You're amazing
You rock
Be you
We all need to remember this sometimes. That we're all these things, and that we've got women who have our backs.
In the couple of weeks leading up to Mother's Day, you're going to notice a lot of motherhood-related posts here (more than usual). We hope you enjoy them!
Recently on one of my Facebook posts a debate broke out: Who has it harder, stay at home moms or working moms?
This is, in my humble opinion, one of the hottest debated, and least productive questions I've ever come across.
It began with a silly post about my husband and I bantering about who should make dinner. His well meaning mother joined in, and pointed out that since I chose to stay home and he works, I should make dinner. She then made a comment about how hard he works, and how exhausted he must be at the end of the day. I get it. She is his mother, I made a jab at her son, she needs to come to his defense. But then my husband felt the need to point out that I also work extremely hard and I'm exhausted at the end of the day. He mentioned that he believes between the two of us (he and I) that I have the harder job, being the homemaker, and pregnant mother to two small children is physically and emotionally exhausting after all.
Cue the debate.
Of course, there are no winners in this debate. Only losers. How many times have working moms felt marginalized by stay at home moms, and vice versa? I think in order to understand the debate, we have to know where it is coming from.
Motherhood is often thankless, exhausting, and demoralizing. As mothers, we beat ourselves up about our choices. We question ourselves. We often feel like failures. So often, working mothers feel guilt for not being physically present, though a mother's thoughts are never far from her children. Stay at home mothers also feel guilty when they may feel resentment for their life, isolation, and loneliness. Because motherhood becomes the core of who we are, the yardstick by which our value as human beings is measured, we become defensive of our choices, even if we aren't always sure about them ourselves.
Stay at home moms are often labeled the martyrs of this debate. After all, they don't get the same kind of paycheck, literal or figurative, that working moms get. There is no money rolling in, no validation for the ins and outs of your time. They spend much of their time in isolation, dealing with challenges with little or no support from peers. They long for the day they can use the restroom in peace and quiet. In fact, they long for any sort of peace and quiet. Any ounce of time to themselves is a treasure. There is never reprieve, not even during sleep. Even the very term stay-at-home mom denotes a sort of lesser status, as explained in this recently published Time article.
Working mothers deal with both the demands of their professional life, and home life simultaneously. They are judged for their choice to leave their family to work outside the home. When they get home, emotional and physical needs of their children still need to be met, dinner still needs to get on the table, and laundry still needs to be folded. They battle with being pulled in two different directions. They are judged by others as putting their careers before their families.
So obviously, the debate strikes a chord with so many women. Women who feel the need to defend the choices they themselves struggle with on a daily basis. The problem is, the debate pits one hard working woman who constantly sacrifices, against another hard working woman who constantly sacrifices. The debate demeans, demoralizes, marginalizes, and judges others, who are just trying to do the best thing for their most prized treasures: their children.
When I became a mother, I had the fortune of making the choice for myself. For a very short time, it was necessary to work outside the home while I completed my degree in education. I returned to work three weeks after my oldest daughter was born, and completed my semester when she was nearly five months old. I dealt with a lot of guilt, a lot of worry, a lot of questions. I had a newborn to care for, and a classroom of third grade students that I was responsible for. I loved all of those students, and I wanted to do everything possible to create a positive educational experience for them. Yet, my heart was elsewhere. Always. It was excruciating. When I was at home with my daughter all I wanted to do was hold her, tend to her needs, love her. I remember not even letting my husband hold her in church because I missed her all the time. When my semester was over, I spent the entire day holding my baby, crying tears of gratitude for the option that I had to stay home and dedicate my time to being her full time mommy.
Yet, it didn't take long for me to feel completely isolated, alone, worthless. I no longer had stimulating challenges that allowed me to stretch my talents and intellect. I couldn't enjoy a meal; showering and getting dressed were considered high achievements. I'd dedicated so much time to developing myself as a professional, and now I might as well have been a nobody. I felt like I'd lost a giant chunk of who I was.
Eventually I found my groove. I was able to recognize talents as a homemaker and mother, and while nobody was validating me, I found an inner peace. Now here I am with two children, sitting on another egg about ready to hatch, and I can appreciate my two different experiences. Both tested me to my limit. Both allowed me to stretch and grow into the mother I am. I would be a different mother if I were a working mother, but that is obvious, because we always have to rise to whatever challenge we are faced with.
I loved this article recently published at KSL.com, my favorite comment being "I think the only way you could gain approval for your time-management, as a mother, would be to look after your children all the time," Williams wrote, "as well as working full-time but for some socially useful enterprise (ideally voluntary work), while never relying on a man for money, yet never claiming benefits either."
So why do people debate this? Because people have this inherent need to feel validated, even when it's difficult to validate themselves. What we should do, instead of debating who has it worse, and trying to "one up" another person, is spend our energy validating each other as mothers, even when our choices differ. Motherhood is hard enough without all the competition and judgment. I'll never look down on another woman's choices, because my daughters will one day have to make these same decisions, and I want them to know that, no matter what, I support them, and I validate them in what they chose to do. Because whether or not we stay at home with our families, or work outside the home, motherhood is the toughest job a person can have.
Coincidentally (as far as I know), I saw all three of these things on Pinterest the other night:
The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away.
― Alysia Harris
So I'll admit, I swooned over the Fitzgerald quote like the rest of you did, and I don't know who Alysia Harris is. Maybe she isn't someone I'd normally want to quote (I couldn't find much about her, so I don't know). But when I saw that quote, I'd already been thinking something along the same lines—namely, that I don't love the idea of talking about women who are "worth" something—because that implies that there are women who aren't.
No one's actually trying to say that, I know. And the description of that L'Oreal program is obviously great ("L'Oréal Paris launched the Women of Worth program to celebrate everyday women who follow their true passion to make a difference in the world... Every year, ten women are selected and recognized for their extraordinary efforts to serve their communities. These Women of Worth selflessly give their time, energy and passion to causes close to their hearts"). I appreciate the sentiment that's intended here. I just think these are words we might want to think about a little more closely.
There are noworthless women. All human beings have worth and value, and we all deserve to know that. We need to know it about ourselves, and we need to know it about everyone else.
I came across this Dove ad campaign video and knew I needed to share it with the women in my life. So often we find ourselves fixated on the flaws we think we see; how can we open our eyes to the beauty we all possess? How do you turn looking in the mirror from a potentially negative experience into a positive experience?
(This post is in no way sponsored by Dove, just inspired by the positivity of their message.)
I've been terrible about contributing to our tribute to women this month, and I will tell you why: I've been mothering a sick hedgehog.
A few weeks ago, my husband and I brought this little darlin' home. She was very sweet and quite tame (not too prickly) and we were just in love.
Then, one night our little gal sneezed all night long. Her breathing sounded wet and snuffly, and everything I saw in the literature about hedgehog care (I know, right?) said that it was probably an upper respiratory infection from the pine bedding the pet shop sold us (and swore was all right for her) - an infection that could quickly turn to pneumonia and be fatal for our hedgehog. And the worst of it was that we just didn't know what to do for her because she was so new to us. Who knows what a hedgehog's eating and breathing and playing should look like?
I spent the next few days constantly checking to make sure she was breathing, tensing up whenever she started to sneeze, counting her kibble to see if she was eating (she wasn't) and worrying, worrying, worrying. After a few days, I couldn't stand it anymore and took her to the vet, where they gave her some medicine and told me I was on the right track and she would be fine, that it hadn't gone to her lungs and antibiotics would clear up the rest. After thinking she might die because she was so lethargic and sniffly, it was a huge relief. It was an even bigger relief when, after a couple of days of working a medicine dropper into her mouth (while she threw her head back and forth and clenched her teeth like a little kid), she finally started to eat regularly, drink normally, and (I'm sorry) poop non-green poop.
I've always had a great respect for mothers - for the work they do to keep their babies happy and healthy as often as possible, for the worrying they go through when their babies are sick or sad or in trouble. However, I'd never understood things like the relief that comes when a baby starts eating right, the concern over weird-looking stuff in the diaper, the need to just watch the baby breathe. It may sound silly, but my concern for a spiny little rodent gave me a glimpse into the lives of new mothers - women who want so badly for their child to be healthy and normal and okay. I finally understood why someone would obsess over the color or frequency of baby poop - because any sign of normalcy is a huge comfort, another sigh of relief, another night when you don't lie awake listening for any sound that might be a bad sign.
To the mothers out there: I'm certainly not saying I understand everything you've gone through now that I've mothered a hedgehog. Cute as she is, the fear that little Stickybun wouldn't recover has nothing on the feelings a mother has for her child's wellbeing. But I do understand a little better the feelings of investment that come with trying to keep something tiny and helpless alive. I both dread and look forward to the day when I will be crazy with worry for my own child.
Until then, if you want to tell me about the color of your baby's poop, I will listen.
In 1984, Geraldine Ferraro was the first woman to run for vice president on a major party ticket.
"I can look back and say that really was an important thing to have happen because, you know, people did see a woman running for national office. But I also have to say something to you: It's not only—it wasn't only the campaign. It wasn't only the election. Since then, I have to tell you the number of women who have come up to me and said to me, thank you for doing that. And I say, well, I appreciate it. And they say, well, no, no. You don't understand. Because if you hadn't done it, I would not have... And I cannot tell you the number of things they attach to the end of that word—have."
"My children are now all grown. Some are in their 60s. But when they call and I answer the phone, they say, “How are you?” And before I can answer, they ask, “Is Mother there?”
She has been their strength all of their lives. Since they were babies they have looked to her, and she has always responded with affection, guidance, teaching, blessing their lives in every way.
Now we have granddaughters who are mothers. They visit us, and I marvel at their patience, at their capacity to calm their children, to stop them from crying, and it seems to me to do a thousand other things.
They drive cars, they run computers, they attend the activities of their children, they cook and sew, they teach classes, and they speak in church.
I see their husbands, and I feel like saying to them: “Wake up. Carry your share of the load. Do you really appreciate your wife? Do you know how much she does? Do you ever compliment her? Do you ever say thanks to her?”
Well, you dear women, I say thanks to you. Thank you for being the kind of people you are and doing the things you do. May the blessings of heaven rest upon you. May your prayers be answered and your hopes and dreams become realities."
Sakena Yacoobi is the executive director of the Afghan Institute of Learning, an NGO that she founded in 1995 to help improve the lives of Afghan women. AIL operates Educational Learning Centers and health centers in Afghanistan and Pakistan, and most of its employees are women.
Just over a week ago, Dr. Yacoobi was inducted into the Enterprising Women's Hall of Fame at the ninth annual Enterprising Women of the Year Awards Celebration in Boca Raton, Florida. Dr. Terry Neese, founder of The Institute for Economic Empowerment of Women and the woman who nominated Dr. Yacoobi, explained her choice: "Her organization was the first to offer human rights and leadership training to Afghan women in the 1990s. She is an inspiration to Afghan and American women. Her visionary work is an example to everyone that women can persevere through the most challenging times to help build their country and educate their people."
"There is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham."
Anna Sewell is the author of the lovely Black Beauty, which so many of us adored as children. Her compassion and love of all living creatures is evident in her writing.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my family, specifically the women in my family. We are all very close, something I wouldn't change for anything in the world. I could write forever about how awesome they are and how much I love them and I could get sappy and lame, but I'm going to try to keep it together and talk about my grandmother.
Matilda, my mom's mom, has always insisted on being called Grandmother. When we all got older and started calling her "Gram," she would ignore us until we finally gave up and called her Grandmother. She's gotten better about this over the years, but I'm pretty sure it's only because she can't hear us as well.
My grandmother and grandad met when they were teenagers attending school in a one-room schoolhouse in Pennsylvania... they've been together ever since. I find that incredibly romantic. Even more romantic is how she still talks about how great my grandad is - how he used to ride his bike up a giant hill to visit her; how they used to go out for ice cream sundaes; how he got along with all of her siblings and how they spent hours playing cards. She's 87 years old and she's still smitten with her high school sweetheart.
My grandparents (on the left) on their wedding day with my grandmother's twin sister and her husband.
My grandmother taught us all how to behave properly. We learned how to set a proper place setting, which utensils to use and when, how to twirl our spaghetti on a spoon so the bites were manageable and non-slurpy. She helped teach us manners and how to treat people with respect. She taught us how to cook and how to shop (seriously, she could shop). She always took so much pride in her appearance, which hasn't necessarily rubbed off on me but I blame society for that one.
We all have amazing women in our lives, we had to learn it from somewhere. Mothers, sisters, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, neighbors - someone out there influenced you to such an extent that you carry them with you where ever you go. All of these things that I learned from my own Grandmother are things I will be able to teach my daughters someday and that is amazing to me.
"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."
Few people inspire me more than Anne Frank. She was so young, and yet she set such a beautiful example of the best there is in human nature. In circumstances that would have tried the most enlightened adults, she was thoughtful and hopeful and utterly lovely. "It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals," she said, "because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart."
*I have looked everywhere trying to find the actual origin of that first quote and I couldn't, so if anyone can tell me the source, I will gladly name my first-born child after you. It's driving me crazy. I assumed it was from her diary, but I searched the text of the diary on Google Books and it didn't come up... I'm at a loss.
Today I came across a list of TV's 25 Greatest Women, and I thought it would be a fun contribution to our celebration of women this month.
To be honest, I am not a big TV-watcher, and I have never seen most of the shows on this list. I don't really know how to approach it, since I don't know most of the characters--are these the women who contributed the most to television? Who had the biggest audiences? Whose characters exemplify all the best qualities of women? What do you think?
If you don't see some of your favorites, check out the links to the rest of the list--this top 25 is just the final installment of a top 100. Like I said, I don't know most of the characters in this list, but these I do know (and love):
57. Lorelai Gilmore 'Gilmore Girls' (2000-07) | Played By: Lauren Graham
She didn't focus on the challenges of being a single teen mom, and instead made sure daughter Rory's life was filled with love, laughter, a deep appreciation and knowledge of pop culture, and the assurance that Lorelai would always be there as her mom and her fast-talkin' BFF.
14. Liz Lemon '30 Rock' (2006-present) | Played By: Tina Fey
She's the heroine of every bespectacled, sweats-wearing, junk-food-noshing, boy-chasing, pop-culture-loving, smart-girl nerd everywhere.
3. Lucy Ricardo 'I Love Lucy' (1951-60) | Played By: Lucille Ball
The meddling redhead couldn't stay out of trouble, but it was only because she wouldn't let anyone, even beloved hubby Ricky or BFF Ethel, keep her in the kitchen and out of the spotlight she craved to be in.
Hey ladies (and also gentlemen, because we know you're out there too, and some of you even know how to write),
Because we love the idea of Women's History month, we'd love it if we could get a special batch of guest posts for March. It's a time when we can honor the women who have inspired us: the teacher who helped us love a subject, the writer or artist who opened our eyes to something beautiful and true, the scientist who gave us a sense of our own potential, the suffragette who gave us a voice, the mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts or friends who made us who we are today.
We want posts celebrating the women who are important to you, whether you know them personally or not,and we want to know how they've affected the person you've become or the way you see yourself. We want to hear about them even if your post is just a paragraph. If you have quotes that you feel match the spirit of the month, we'd love to be able to share those with everyone who reads the blog. (And we promise we'll be participating as well.)
Presidential Proclamation--Women's History Month, 2011
WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH, 2011
BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
A PROCLAMATION
During Women's History Month, we reflect on the extraordinary accomplishments of women and honor their role in shaping the course of our Nation's history. Today, women have reached heights their mothers and grandmothers might only have imagined. Women now comprise nearly half of our workforce and the majority of students in our colleges and universities. They scale the skies as astronauts, expand our economy as entrepreneurs and business leaders, and serve our country at the highest levels of government and our Armed Forces. In honor of the pioneering women who came before us, and in recognition of those who will come after us, this month, we recommit to erasing the remaining inequities facing women in our day.
This year, we commemorate the 100th anniversary of International Women's Day, a global celebration of the economic, political, and social achievements of women past, present, and future. International Women's Day is a chance to pay tribute to ordinary women throughout the world and is rooted in women's centuries-old struggle to participate in society on an equal footing with men. This day reminds us that, while enormous progress has been made, there is still work to be done before women achieve true parity.
My Administration has elevated the rights of women and girls abroad as a critical aspect of our foreign and national security policy. Empowering women across the globe is not simply the right thing to do, it is also smart foreign policy. This knowledge is reflected in the National Security Strategy of the United States, which recognizes that countries are more peaceful and prosperous when their female citizens enjoy equal rights, equal voices, and equal opportunities. Today, we are integrating a focus on women and girls in all our diplomatic efforts, and incorporating gender considerations in every aspect of our development assistance. We are working to build the participation of women into all aspects of conflict prevention and resolution, and we are continuing to lead in combating the scourge of conflict related sexual violence, both bilaterally and at the United Nations.
In America, we must lead by example in protecting women's rights and supporting their empowerment. Despite our progress, too many women continue to be paid less than male workers, and women are significantly underrepresented in the science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) fields. By tapping into the potential and talents of all our citizens, we can utilize an enormous source of economic growth and prosperity. The White House Council on Women and Girls has continued to remove obstacles to achievement by addressing the rate of violence against women, supporting female entrepreneurs, and prioritizing the economic security of women. American families depend largely on the financial stability of women, and my Administration continues to prioritize policies that promote workplace flexibility, access to affordable, quality health care and child care, support for family caregivers, and the enforcement of equal pay laws. I have also called on every agency in the Federal Government to be part of the solution to ending violence against women, and they have responded with unprecedented cooperation to protect victims of domestic and sexual violence and enable survivors to break the cycle of abuse.
As we reflect on the triumphs of the past, we must also look to the limitless potential that lies ahead. To win the future, we must equip the young women of today with the knowledge, skills, and equal access to reach for the promise of tomorrow. My Administration is making unprecedented investments in education and is working to expand opportunities for women and girls in the STEM fields critical for growth in the 21st century economy.
As we prepare to write the next chapter of women's history, let us resolve to build on the progress won by the trailblazers of the past. We must carry forward the work of the women who came before us and ensure our daughters have no limits on their dreams, no obstacles to their achievements, and no remaining ceilings to shatter.
NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim March 2011 as Women's History Month. I call upon all Americans to observe this month and to celebrate International Women's Day on March 8, 2011 with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities that honor the history, accomplishments, and contributions of American women. I also invite all Americans to visit www.WomensHistoryMonth.gov to learn more about the generations of women who have shaped our history.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-eighth day of February, in the year of our Lord two thousand eleven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fifth.
If we were more on top of things, I think we would have liked to do something to celebrate Black History Month in February, and I wish we had. But for once I happened to think of something the night before it happens, so in March we are going to celebrate the women who have brought us to where we are today. Happy Women's History Month!
I've been trying to write this post since July 3, and the other day I came across an article that has really helped give some definition to what I'd been trying to say. That day--July 3--was my friend Lori's birthday, and the day that I saw Eclipse. This post is about what happened as I was leaving the movie.
The first thing you should know is that I love the Twilight books. I read them four years ago, when only the first two were out. I read them multiple times; I gushed about them with my roommates, who were also reading them; I went to Stephenie Meyer's website, downloaded the songs on the playlists she had to accompany the books, and listened to them constantly.
Then I saw the movies. On the one hand, I think they are pretty terrible as movies go. The dialogue is painful, Jasper walks around looking like he has something stuck up his bum, and Kristen Stewart is the Monotonous Expressionless Wonder. But on the other hand, all ridiculousness aside, watching the movies somehow feels like watching the books. I like that.
So Lori, Meredith, Bethany and I went to the movie. We watched; I wondered where Jasper and Carlisle got their new accents, tried not to laugh when Jacob said "I am hotter than you," and was impressed when Bella actually raised her voice for once.
The whole time, and indeed whenever the Twilight franchise is mentioned, my inner snob wanted to point out that I'm not in this the way others are. I'm not obsessed, I would never wear a shirt with Edward or Jacob on it, I refuse to be on anyone's "team." But that day, as I was leaving the movie, I had a thought:
Why do I have to excuse myself about this? Why do I feel the need to qualify my love of these books with explanations about how I actually hate vampire stories in general, how I don't like the movies and won't buy the merchandise? What is wrong with likingTwilight?
The article I mentioned at the beginning of this post is called "Eat, Pray, Love: If women like it, it must be stupid." It's about how people write off that book because it's about a woman's journey to find herself, and because it's primarily women who love it. (This, might I point out, is because of a lovely phenomenon--discussed in this article about the same topic--in which women will read and watch things about men, but men will not do the reverse.) And reading this article, plus a blog post about it by my uncle, made me realize that this ridiculous attitude is exactly what I was exemplifying in my on-the-fence, love/hate relationship with Twilight.
Okay, so, it's true: Women do like a lot of stupid things. Guess what. So do men. (May I remind you of the existence of this.)
When a lot of men like something, people don't think it's ridiculous. Macho, yes. Violent, probably; involving scantily clad women, very likely. But when a lot of women like something, people assume it's worthless.
It turns out that everything doesn't have to be the ultimate in literary (or cinematic) quality for there to be something legitimately worth loving about it. No, Stephenie Meyer isn't going to be winning any Pulitzers. So what? Instead, she has created something that appeals to women all over the world, of totally different generations and backgrounds and circumstances. There is something special about that, and what I realized that day when I was leaving the theater is that I am glad to be a part of it.
It is a lot of fun to have this in common with my aunts, my nieces, my mother-in-law, my friends, the girl who works at the library who always talks to me about YA books, the women I go to church with, and the few men I know who were adult enough to try reading it and honest enough to admit they liked it. (Yes, my husband is one of these--he read it even before I met him.)
To my mind, this attitude is a matter of insecurity. Sometimes we don't want to like something because of the stigma associated with that thing. I consider myself a well-read person; I love meaningful, "important" books; I tend to turn up my nose at "summer beach reading," romances, and Oprah's book club.
But I don't need to be afraid that liking Twilight will make me less smart. I don't need to pretend that I don't like something because I'm afraid that it will give the wrong impression of what kind of person I am (see the lovely Melissa's post from the recent contest). And as a culture, we don't need to belittle the things that women like just because women like them.
It's not a secret that women are often under-appreciated, underestimated, and trivialized in the cultures of the world. But that trend is not one in which I want to participate. So from now on, I am out of the closet.
I am a smart girl who loves literature, learning, and the English language. I like to know about the world. I like to defy convention. I like to be myself in spite of what others think.
"There is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham."
My grandparents (on the left) on their wedding day with my grandmother's twin sister and her husband. 
57. Lorelai Gilmore
14. Liz Lemon
3. Lucy Ricardo
