Monday, January 5, 2015

Pregnancy Texts: Part Two

A sequel to my first pregnancy texts. I think I might have been slightly more rational this time around. But then again maybe not enough time has passed for me to be objective about Pregnant Paige.

Me: Ugh my phone keeps randomly turning itself off, sometimes during phone calls.
Josh: Do you need a new phone? I can order you one on eBay. They're only like 15 bucks.
Me: Nah I'll just stick it out. That's like seven pumpkin cream cheese muffins.
Josh: So you measure currency in pumpkin muffins now, huh?

So I live in a small town and the same few people are always at the gym and in the beginning of my pregnancy when I was just gaining weight but didn't look definably pregnant yet I was convinced they were all judging me-
Me: I just took my jacket off at the gym to hang up and a bunch of cookies fell out the pocket and everyone was staring at me. Now they are judging me for sure.
Josh: Why did you have cookies in your pocket?
Me: To eat as a reward for going to the gym.

Me: So I have a yeast infection on top of everything else pregnancy wise.
Josh: I'm sorry.
Me: Do you even know what a yeast infection is? Google the symptoms so you can feel properly sorry for me.
Josh: Ok googled it.
Me: And?! Are you sorry for me?!
Josh: I'm heartbroken.

Me: Ok meeting is over, I'm on my way home. Good thing too because I'm STARVING!
Josh: Oh I thought they had food there? What do you want me to make you?
Me: Spaghetti. And chex mix. And yes they had food but it was a bunch of women so I had to take a tiny plate of vegetables and pretend that was all I wanted.

Preface: We live out in the country and have a lot of deer in our yard frequently. At least once a day there is the same family of three deer hanging out in our yard. Also my husband works for the city and knows the animal control department and what limited funds they have.
Me: There's no baby deer today. Just the mom and the brother.
Josh: Oh. Poor little guy.
Me: Josh!!! I told you yesterday the baby was limping and you wouldn't let me call anyone and now it's gone!
Josh: I'm sorry you're upset. It's sad. But there's nothing we could have done.
Me: We could have called animal control or a vet or something! I'm going to call right now.
Josh: You're calling animal control? To say what?
Me: That there's a missing deer and I think it might be hurt!
Josh: Paige, the animal control department is only one person. And they don't have the budget to go look for a missing deer that no one knows where it might be.
Me: Yes they can! They might have like heat sensors or thermal imaging or something!
Josh: I'm pretty sure they don't.
Me: Well I'm calling! That's a baby deer that's hurt and alone somewhere!
(After about 30 minutes) Josh: So did you call yet? Is Beverly gassing up the chopper?
Me: Not yet, I need to stop crying first.

This story has a very happy ending though as the next day the baby deer was back! And it no longer has a limp.

Me: I guess I'm not showering today FYI, I can't get my shirt off that I took Cooper to his early morning appointment in. I need you to help me out of it when you get home.
Josh: I'll help you. Maybe you should stick with your maternity clothes from now on.
Me: No. I'm sick of wearing the same things over and over again.
Josh: You could wear my clothes. I have a bunch of basketball shorts that would fit you.
Me: I'll kill you.

I tend to sweat a lot when pregnant, something I guess has not gone unnoticed by my husband.
Josh: I'm going to pick up some milk at the store on the way home. Do you need anything?
Me: Yeah deodorant.
Josh: Just regular kind? You don't need like extra strength or something?

After texting Josh about my various feelings for a while-
Josh: I'm going to buy you a pregnancy journal where you can write down all your feelings.
Me: Ok that sounds nice. But I'm still going to tell them to you too.
Josh: Then what's the point of the journal?

After talking to Josh about a comment made about my diet coke consumption while pregnant (which by the way is well within the caffeine limit for pregnant women)-
Josh: Well why do you care if people know how much Diet Coke you drink?
Me: Because I don't want people thinking I'm a fat slob!
Josh: No baby, they think you're a pregnant slob.

Me: Josh I'm really upset today. I had a very scary dream last night that Cooper (our 2 year old boy) was homeless and alone and wandering the woods and getting chased by wild animals and he looked so tired and hungry and scared! And it was awful! And I can't stop thinking about it, my poor poor Cooper!
(Josh never responds)
Me: Josh! What about homeless Cooper?!
Josh: Oh! I didn't think you needed me to respond to that. Do you? Cooper is asleep in his crib right now. So I'm not sure what the problem is.
Me: You don't get it! You don't even care about homeless Cooper!
Josh: How do you not understand this was just a dream? You were laying down asleep during it!
(I never responded)
Josh: Baby I'm so so sorry about homeless Cooper. I hope he gets away from those wild animals and gets himself into a social program for homeless toddlers.
Me: He couldn't get away from the wild animals, he was trying to run but his shoes were untied and he couldn't figure out how to do up the Velcro.
Josh: :(

Me: I want a salad and a hot dog and Chinese food and cheese breadsticks and a Cinnabon and pizza and doughnuts and a hamburger and rolls and chips.
Josh: Wow! That's quite the list. Well we have soup or a sandwich at home you can have for lunch.
Me: Neither of those were on the list.

Me: Do you want to talk about hot dogs? Because I do.
Josh: Ok what about them?
Me: Everything! Like how they sometimes have roasted onions on top. And sauerkraut! And the smell of the hot dog cart outside of Home
Depot. I love Home Depot hot dog man. And polish dogs. And bratwursts! And the special feeling you get inside when you eat a really good hot dog!
Josh: I think you covered pretty much everything.

Me: Thanks for packing me breakfast. This is quite a large amount of food though. Did you really think I'd eat it all?
Josh: Well whenever I fix you food you look at the portion size and say, "What do you think I am? A baby bird?"

Josh: What do you want for breakfast in bed on your birthday?
Me: Chinese food.
Josh: Um I don't get it.
Me: No that's really what I want.
Josh: Oh! Ok... Well I don't know that any Chinese restaurants are open that early but I guess I can call around and check.

Me: Hey you got me a pumpkin muffin!! How'd you know I wanted one?
Josh: Well last time you ate one it was hard to tell where your face ended and the muffin began. So I assumed you enjoyed it.
Me: We're not friends.

I guess I had been complaining to Josh all day when he responded with this-
Josh: Take your nap baby. I'm sorry everyone is so stupid.

Me: I guess I fell asleep on the couch watching Thomas the Train with Cooper. The weird part was I woke up with a mouthful of food! I think I fell asleep mid-eating. Is that even physically possible?
Josh: Only for the classiest of individuals.

My son and I were out of town visiting family and Josh was home working-
Me: What are all the things you miss about me?
Josh: Snuggling. Getting you food. Seeing you at lunchtime. How mad you get whenever I eat anything. How you always want to watch Gilmore Girls. When you accidentally toot all the time.
Me: Um half of those were terrible things.

I happened to read a very sad book while I was pregnant and ended up crying all night one night while I finished it. I had planned on re-reading the last chapter when I woke up the next morning so I put it on my nightstand but when I woke up the next morning the book was gone and my husband had left for work earlier than usual-
Me: Why'd you leave so early this morning? Have you seen my book anywhere?
Josh: Oh yeah, I got up early to take that book back to the library first thing in the morning.
Me: But I was going to read the end again.
Josh: I know, that's why I took it back before you woke up.

While visiting family alone with my toddler, my little buddy got a horrible stomach bug and was really sick for a whole week. Needless to say I spent a lot of time caring for him and not a lot of time eating so I ended up losing a few pounds that week.
Josh: How'd your doctor appointment go?
Me: Well I was supposed to have gained two pounds since last I saw him and instead I lost three. So he was kind of concerned. He just wants to make sure next visit that I'm gaining weight.
Josh: I have every confidence in you.

Me: So I gained my weight back already, no need to worry.
Josh: In 2 days?!?!
Josh: I mean, that's great baby. Way to go.

Me: I just want to eat a dozen doughnuts and break a bunch of Precious Moments figurines.

Me: If you don't stop eating my special peanut butter I'm going to kill you.
Josh: I'm sorry, I just had one piece of peanut butter toast, I thought it would be ok.
Me: It's not. We have separate peanut butters for a reason.

When Josh had a cold-
Josh: How are you today?
Me: Tired. You kept waking me up coughing last night!
Josh: I'm sorry baby.
Me: Tonight either you're taking NyQuil or you're sleeping on the couch, you pick.
Josh: I really don't like taking NyQuil. Maybe you can take some?
Me: I can't have any of that crap!
Josh: Why not?
Me: I don't know, I think it has alcohol or something in it. The baby would come out with a taste for the sauce.
Me: Anyway I'm sorry you're sick but you're sleeping on the couch.
Josh: But I'm sick and the couch is uncomfortable.
Me: That's too bad.

Josh: How's your doctor appointment going?
Me: I'm still waiting to be called back... His new office is absolutely hideous and I hate it. And that's why I went to this doctor in the first place, because the office was really pretty and now I just feel like I'm waiting in the jaws of hell.
Josh: Well that's a pretty silly reason to choose a doctor. It's just an office.
Me: Well I'm super hungry and this office makes me want to go home and die.
Josh: Why didn't you have lunch before you went?!!
Me: I did. But that doesn't mean I'm not hungry still.

During my third trimester I developed pneumonia and my sweet husband would let me go rest in bed when he got home from work. We exchanged a few text conversations while I was in bed and he was playing with our toddler...
Me: Why'd you smile as you took my  dinner plate away? Were you surprised by how much I ate?
Josh: I was just smiling at you. I'm never surprised by how much you eat.
Me: Aww..
Josh: I just take whatever I think I would eat and then I double it.
Me: Great.

Josh: Are you sure all these clothes need to be washed? There are twice as many of your underwear as mine.
Me: Yep.
Josh: I was just checking because Cooper sometimes puts clean clothes in the hamper. Uh, are you ok?
Me: Every time I cough I pee my pants. Happy?

Me: I just realized I only have five more weeks left. :(
Josh: Don't worry, we'll get everything done.
Me: No only five more weeks of eating treats left!

Me: Cooper keeps eating all my food.
Josh: He's two baby. He doesn't understand.
Me: Whatever yes he does.

One weekend we went to Portland which happens to have a yummy doughnut place that I wanted to eat at. We ended up not getting the chance to eat there and then several days later a friend posted a picture of her eating at the doughnut place I had wanted to go to...
Me: I. Am. Going. To. Murder. Someone.
Josh: Uh oh... What happened?
Me: Guess who is eating at Voodoo doughnuts right now?!
Josh: That's not ok for other people to have doughnuts?
Me: No! Not when I wanted one and didn't get one! The pregnant lady! She deserves a freaking doughnut!
Josh: I asked you if you wanted to go and you said no we could do something for Cooper instead.
Me: Well I was just trying to be nice. I really wanted the stupid doughnut!
Josh: I'll get you a doughnut on the way home from work. What kind do you want?
Me: That is not even close to the same and don't pretend like it is! I'm really upset!
Josh: Baby, are you crying about doughnuts right now?
Me: They're not just any doughnuts Josh. They're really good doughnuts.

Me: I just spent all of Cooper's nap time on my tired feet making stupid chicken noodle soup for you people and it didn't even turn out! It's like a pasta, not a soup.
Josh: Hahaha. Well we can always have pizza.
Me: No you're going to eat this whole pot and then tell me how good it was and then rub my feet.
Josh: Deal.
Me: Now tell me thank you and that you're making every dinner from here on out.
Josh: Thank you. I'll make dinners from now on.
Me: Now tell me to go lay down.
Josh: Go lay down.

Josh: How'd your doctor appointment go?
Me: Ha! Get this, the stupid nurse that took me back was making small talk with me while she did my blood pressure and she complained about her sore throat!
Josh: Baby, she's allowed to have a sore throat.
Me: Cry about it lady. Try being nine months pregnant.
Josh: Oh Paige...

Me: I'm sorry I locked myself in the bathroom and cried last night when my macaroni and cheese didn't turn out right.
Josh: It's ok.
Me: And I'm sorry I made you make me a breakfast burrito at midnight.
Josh: It's ok.
Me: And I'm sorry I spilled my breakfast burrito in bed.
Josh: Sigh. It was a rough night last night.

1 comment:

Darrah said...

Just too funny!! Laughing and laughing and laughing. And really appreciate your husband because mine wouldn't be so accommadating. :) Still laughing...