Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Confessions of an Embarrassed Mother

 So I realize that babies are well, babies. And they don't really have manners yet, nor does anyone expect them to. But for some reason my son's lack of manners in public really embarrass me sometimes. I was sort of unprepared for all the public attention you receive when you're toting a baby. But sometimes that attention isn't always positive...

So, I confess that while I love my son Cooper very much, he is a complete public humiliation.

I confess that I am embarrassed when Cooper STARES at African Americans. We're talking full on drop what you're holding, open your mouth in awe, wide eyed, no blinking, cannot tear your eyes away for anything kind of staring. One day at a hamburger stand while waiting for our food Cooper was obviously ogling a very particular stranger if you know what I mean. This nice man could tell Cooper was enthralled with him and came over to say hi. I tried to casually play it off like, "Oh he just really seems to love you!" Hahaha, faint nervous laughter.... I didn't add it's because you're black afterwards. Seriously, it's such a problem that I've taken to constantly showing him pictures of black people at home so that he can get over it. I call it diversity training. Look Cooper, it's Quincy Jones.

Speaking of non-discreet staring, I confess it also embarrasses me when Cooper goes into a full on trance watching people eat food. It's such an intense, humorless stare too, like the stare of a serial killer or something. One day as he was staring down some lady in a restaurant I overheard her telling her friend, "Um is this baby seriously going to watch me eat my entire meal?" Um, yeah lady, he sure is. 

I confess that this kid has a lot of awkward social problems at restaurants. Like the time we were out with the family and Cooper was at the end of a long table in his high chair- the waiter came over and stood next to Cooper as he filled our water glasses. After a minute or so I looked over at Cooper to see he had his entire arm wrapped around this guy's upper thigh. Just sitting there, clinging to this man's upper thigh. Mortifying.

I confess that my son has some humiliating food jealousy issues. I went to lunch with a friend who isn't around kids too often and was probably caught off guard by Cooper's lack of manners. She was holding him on her lap when the waiter brought the bread, she took a piece and brought it to her mouth when Cooper reached up and grabbed her hand out of her mouth and shoved the bread into his mouth instead.

I confess that my son is often abusive to children and the elderly. Like the time I took him to the petting zoo, I was holding him up to the fence to see the piggies and I was concentrating on not letting him fall into the pig pen when I heard the little girl next to us let out a big scream and then start to cry. I looked over to see her holding her head and Cooper holding a fistful of her hair. She was pretty mad that she got scalped. As was the lady sitting next to us at church when Cooper spent the last part of the meeting banging his block on her peg leg. I'm sorry that it took me three dirty looks to realize my son was banging on your peg leg...

I confess that Cooper tends to reserve these moments of no manners for when some stranger is paying total attention to him. Like the time I was changing his diaper on a changing table in a rest stop during a road trip. Some sweet little old lady flocked over to fawn at my sweet angel baby. As she was fawning over him, he made a bee-line straight for his little boy wee-wee as soon as I took his diaper off and I had to have the rest of my small talk with this lady as my son double-fisted his junk so tightly that his face turned purple. 

I confess that Cooper doesn't seem to understand the whole taboo of "private parts" in public. Like the time I took him to my friend's bridal shower and he decided to motorboat me in front of everyone. There's nothing like trying to pry your son's face out of your boobs while a bunch of strangers stare at you.

So there you have it, my son is officially a public nuisance. I hope he's not the only one. Please share some of your kid's special moments that have made you wish you had an invisibility cloak. 

1 comment:

Meg said...

The wooden leg kills me. Also, Quincy Jones. Oh Paige.