Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Confessions of a First Time Mom

I confess that when I was pregnant I broke our bed. I was just laying in bed reading, not even moving, when I heard some cracking noises, and then bam- the bed broke in half and I went crashing to the ground. The piece of wood that broke was directly underneath me so there was no question that it was my enormous girth that snapped it in two. My self esteem has never recovered.

I confess that after numerous birthing classes when we learned we just needed to think of happy colors and mentally open our birth canal, this is what my childbirth experience ended up looking like-

Seriously, I was so pumped and ready to have my baby in a stream while someone played the pan flute. Unfortunately, it didn't quite turn out that way.

I confess that I refused to buy new underwear when I was pregnant even when my undies started to look like a string around a pot roast. I have about five pair of underwear that I only wear to the gym, I've had them since high school (gross I know) and I refused to accept that I needed bigger ones. One night I was changing into my work out clothes, I got my underwear on and I saw in the mirror reflection that my husband was doubled up, on the floor, literally crying with silent laughter at the sight of me in those underwear. At that point, I couldn't really tell what they looked like so I asked him what was wrong. It took him a few minutes to stop laughing long enough to answer, "They don't cover the top third or bottom third of your bum. They only cover a tiny strip in the middle." 

I confess that I was totally planning on cloth diapering until I saw this slideshow. And then I was like sorry about that mother earth . . . how about I just donate to the Sierra Club or something and we'll call it even?

I confess that I use motherhood as an excuse for daily Diet Coke consumption. Whenever someone in church makes a comment that caffeine is really just the tears of Satan, I'm like yeah that's adorable but my baby makes me really sleepy....

I confess that after I spent pregnancy basically planning my run for president of the Le Leche League and cramming statistics about breastfeeding down everyone's throat, the best day of my motherhood so far was the day I decided to quit nursing. 

I confess that I go to great lengths to delay grocery shopping, one of which includes me eating my son's baby food. My favorites include baby yogurt, these wagon wheels that essentially taste like giant Honeycombs, and a particularly enticing pineapple-mango puree....

Now I'll say ten hail mary's and call it good. 


Jill said...

Forget cloth diapering, after that slideshow I might now hire a nanny whose sold responsibility is changing my soon-to-be Bean's diaper. She will, of course, have to be on call 24/7, but it might be worth it. For me, anyway.

Zaissa said...

You gotta try the cheese puffs that come in the same type of can as those wagon wheels. Mmmmmmmmmmmm.