Awesomeness

Some interesting points have been raised regarding the challenge Miri posted this morning and, as always, we are waiting to hear more about what you think. In the meantime, however, I wanted to add to what Miri was saying. Here's where I get a little more personal.

I have struggled my entire life with feeling "normal." I never felt like I wasn't pretty enough or like I wasn't smart enough, I just always felt like I wasn't normal enough. I developed earlier than every other girl I knew, I was short, my laugh was loud and I could never seem to be girly enough. I was always more preoccupied with my personality than my looks - even though I never knew what clothes to wear, I didn't really wear make up till I was 21, and I knew I weighed more than all my friends. I was (and still am) surprised when people laughed at my jokes. I was cautious when making new friends, always feeling that I put in a whole lot more than I got out of a friendship. Other girls made me feel inadequate simply because they seemed to know how to act with each other and I knew there was some secret to it all that I wasn't being told.

Fast forward to college. I left high school early and I went to Utah State to start my freshman year. I was 17 and I still had braces. I knew no one and again I struggled to find a place where I felt normal. Luckily, I found that one friend who accepted me completely. It was a miracle, I tell you. Still, I never really questioned my looks. Sure, there were things I didn't love, but I had more pressing things to worry about. Through college, as I began to grow up, my focus changed. I felt more at ease with my surroundings and with my relationships and I began to find more and more things about myself that I could complain about. That was about the same time I met Megan and Miri (and other fabulous people). We all enjoyed each other so much, we talked about it constantly. We were awesome and we were funny and we liked us. We said these things constantly. When I got ready to go out, I would look in the mirror and say "Man! I'm hot!" Sometimes I didn't really think that. Most of the time, I could have stayed in front of the mirror another 20 minutes and found a million things I didn't like, but I didn't let myself do that. I just said it and made myself believe it. I eventually got to where I didn't doubt myself when I said I looked good or when I said I was awesome and, more importantly, I didn't doubt other people when they told me those things. I believed it whole-heartedly and it was amazing.

Fast forward again, post college. I've had a rough time recently, especially the past year. I've dealt with a couple bouts of depression, a few particularly difficult relationships and the loss of a job. I've spent the last 8 months or so feeling like a complete failure. I've been doing what I have to do to get by and pretty much just blocking the rest of it out. For the first time in my life, I have had to deal with a complete loss of self confidence. But the fog is lifting. I am beginning to see what I can do to turn things back around. I realized that I stopped trying to make myself feel better and I stopped listening to the good things my friends and family would tell me. Instead I let myself wallow for far too long. Happily, after I started trying to make myself feel better again, the inspiration for this blog came to me...a way to make what I've gone through a positive experience.

I really hope that you all attempt what Miri has suggested. Try for one month (or even just a week or two!) to think positive thoughts about yourself. I'm looking forward to the challenge and the change I know it can bring. This isn't about being skinny or fat or smart or pretty or any particular thing, it is something every person can benefit from. Even if you look in the mirror and can only see something negative (like "I have a monstrous zit!"), try your best to find that silver lining ("at least I don't have two monstrous zits!") and embrace it!