Monday, December 29, 2014

Six Perils of Knowing a Great Gift Giver

It sounds like a wonderful thing to have a husband that's an amazing gift giver right? Someone who is thoughtful and attentive and always on alert for gift ideas throughout the whole year? Wrong. Here are six things you have to consider when being partnered with a great gift giver.

1. You can no longer compliment anyone ever.

Do you ever give compliments just to be nice or because you like giving compliments or because there's an awkward pause in the conversation? Well I sure do. Or I used to before I wised up and realized that every time I told an old woman casually, "Oh I love your sweater!" that I would have the exact same sweater hanging in my closet the very next day. Now I can no longer offer anyone compliments unless my husband is out of the country or in a coma.

2. You can never ever mention that anything you own has been misplaced or broken.

Imagine every time you lost an earring and remarked to yourself, "hmm I guess I lost this earring" there was someone lurking around the corner making note to get you a replacement pair at the next gift giving opportunity. I even have a pair of earrings that I'm on my third set of. For someone who loses and ruins a lot of stuff that I don't necessarily want a replacement for, this has now become something I try to hide from my husband. The other night as I was hanging up laundry I foolishly said out loud to myself that my cardigan got ruined in the wash, before the words were out of my mouth my husband ran into the closet and was wrestling the cardigan out of my hands to get a look at the tag... See you soon orange cardigan...

3. You can never mention that you'd like the cheap version of something.

This year I showed my husband a picture of a necklace I wanted. I told him that there were many versions of it online, some of them cheap and some of them very expensive and real gold. I told him it was just a necklace I liked and that I didn't need an expensive one and certainly not one that was real gold.
Just take one guess of what version I got.

4. Everything you say about gift preferences/budgets/wishes will be totally ignored.

As evidenced in number three, there is no such thing as telling a great gift giver that you don't really want anything for your birthday or that you spent 30 dollars on his Christmas present so maybe he could spend about the same on yours. They are not listening. They are busy loading up their Amazon shopping cart.

5. Your gift will always suck.

This Christmas my husband got me a solid gold engraved necklace (see number three.) I got him a water-pick.

6. You can never mention that you like anything.

On our first Valentine's Day together my husband got me a houseplant instead of flowers, in response I said one sentence that I have regretted for five years now, "Oh I love getting plants instead of flowers, they live so much longer." Little did I know those words would haunt me to my grave. Every holiday I watch my sweet husband come home from work with his arms around one more giant house plant for our collection*. I would be living in a greenhouse by now if I weren't the world's worst gardener who kills each new plant within the month. And yes I have kindly said, "no more house plants please" but see number four. I also get a Willow Tree figurine with my houseplant for every holiday too because one time in passing I mentioned that I thought they were cute. Now I'm forced to tell my husband that I think everything is hideous.

*Upon doing a mental tally I realized that my husband has gotten me at least 17 houseplants over our short married time. 17!!

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