Thursday, November 6, 2014

Small Town News

I live in a small town. That usually means dealing with things like hardly any places to shop, few restaurant choices, an hour drive to the closest Costco, limited things to do on the weekends, and being the only family at family story time at the library. There is one thing that I love about my small town, though, and it comes in the mail once a week bringing inexpressible joy to my life.

It is a little two page local newspaper  and, as soon as I get my copy, I run inside with glee and proceed to ignore my toddler while I flip immediately to the crime report. Some weeks they just list all the calls to the police and a brief word like "theft" or "assault" next to it, but some glorious weeks (maybe when it's been a slow police week) they give a report of every police call and they always always contain some highly entertaining gems.

Now I will admit that one time after a string of robberies in our neighborhood I called the police when a man I didn't know came to the door asking to borrow some eggs. It turns out my downstairs neighbor's grandson was visiting and they were making peanut butter cookies. So I have absolutely no right to judge any of these people. But hey, I can still laugh at them right?

CALL- 911 call reported, answering party was not speaking. Dispatcher listened for a while and it appeared the two men were fine and were playing Guitar Hero.

CALL- A woman called to report some threatening graffiti in an alleyway by her house reading, "It's not over yet." She believed this message was in reference to her chicken which has been ill as of late.

Chicken lady is obviously the winner.

CALL- A woman called to report suspicions that her neighbor has been urinating out the window. She has not witnessed said event but reports seeing liquids dripping down the outside of the house. She is requesting a test of the foreign liquid.

CALL- Male subject was outside espresso stand and walked over and looked in the reporting party's car.

I just hate it when people look in my car.

CALL- Report that a woman has been receiving phone calls requesting credit card information from people she didn't know.

CALL- Someone's cat is missing. Woman reports suspicions that her neighbor shot it.

CALL- A visiting female came to the neighbor's house of males, reporting party could hear talking.

Members of the opposite sex talking? That definitely warrants a police call.

CALL- A woman's friend called her but she couldn't hear her talking on the other end, she could only hear buttons being pressed.

Butt-dialing is a very common theme in these police reports.

CALL- Female passed out, unknown breathing status. Reporting party does not want to get close enough to check.

This poor lady needs some better friends I think.

CALL- Subject keeps coming into reporting party's residence and eating reporting party's food.

Now THIS is a legitimate reason for a police call. In fact I would probably call the FBI as well. Food thievery is up there with murder and kidnapping in my book.

CALL- Reporting party called to state her feelings that city officials, "want her to die."

CALL- Report of a dead opossum was called in. The caller was afraid that kids would poke it on their way to school.

CALL- Somebody came in and took some Oreo cookies, left in a black Infinity.

Another food thief! Or maybe there's a serial food-thief out there. I hope not but I have now locked my Oreos in a safe just to be sure...

CALL- There was a male subject walking around with a flashlight, in a denim jacket and khaki pants.

That's the end of the call. Just a description of someone's outfit.

CALL- A man was standing at the bottom of a flight of stairs and yelling at traffic.

CALL- Man called to report a small red vehicle stopped on the side of the street with parking lights and a turn signal on that has been sitting there for 15 minutes.

Be careful when you pull over somewhere, this guy has a stopwatch and he's not afraid to call the police on you.

CALL- Someone called in saying that a friend called them and would not tell them what was wrong, as if someone may have been listening.

CALL- Two males were opening a pencil case and looking inside.

I'm pretty sure I haven't seen a pencil case in at least twenty years. Does Lisa Frank have a website where you can order irrelevant school supplies? Otherwise I'm baffled as to where they acquired the mysterious pencil case in the first place.

CALL- Someone called in stating they could hear yelling in the area, it's echoing and she is not sure where it's coming from.

CALL- A woman called to request her neighbor be arrested for not cutting her lawn.

I think it's a tie between her and the chicken lady.

Alright there are the highlights of the police calls over the last few months. The good news is that the police department is hiring, you can put in your application today!

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