Tuesday, September 16, 2014

How to Offend a New Mom in Ten Easy Steps

A follow up to my post about how to offend a pregnant woman. The good news is that you can still be really offensive once the baby is actually born, not to worry.

1. Comment on how bad she looks.

You know who's not going to win a beauty contest? A new mother. They're sort of busy, you know, keeping a tiny helpless human alive.

Neighbor: Are you getting any sleep?
Me: Oh you know newborns, not really, but that's ok.
Neighbor: Yeah I can tell, you look terrible.

2. Tell her to read a parenting book.

You know what new mothers need to be doing in their small amounts of free time? Sleeping. Eating. Maybe showering. End of list. If you want to give parenting tips fine, but please don't make someone read a 300 page novel to go along with it.

3. If this were olden times you and your baby would be dead right now.

My first baby was born via emergency c-section once the doctor discovered my pelvis was too narrow for my son's melon head. I so appreciate the medical knowledge and technology we have now but maybe the delivery room is not the right time for relatives to remark on how 100 years ago me and my new baby would have been toast.

4. My baby slept through the night at ______ days old!

Good for you. Your baby must be one of those special babies that don't need to eat. Also, maybe it's not the best thing to brag about how much sleep you're getting to a sleep-deprived, hormonal lady.

5. You named your baby what?

Insert comment of your choice here:
I had a dog named that! (According to how often I got this comment, every single dog out there must be named Cooper, just in case you meet a dog at the park today, its name is most likely Cooper.)
Have you considered this name instead?
How unusual...
Staring with your mouth open.

6. Insert weird irrelevant parenting advice here _____.

Tips on how to discipline your newborn.
Tips on how to get your three day old to sleep through the night.
Tips on how to make your newborn's hair grow.

7. When are you going to have another one?

Ask me again when I'm not wearing pants with an elastic waist.

8. Didn't you already have the baby?

Yikes. Never ask. Just smile politely, speak of the weather, and hope she says something about it.

9. Are you breast feeding?

Now this question is acceptable coming from your child's pediatrician or a good friend, but not really from a total stranger in the grocery store. Due to some personal issues my son grew up happily on Costco's finest formula. And in order not to discuss those personal issues with the breastfeeding police I simply lied and said yes ma'am, he nurses all day long and I'm the president of the la leche league, now can you tell me where the doughnut aisle is?

10. Your new baby looks like Gollum.

Courtesy of my husband who said this to his sister upon meeting his new niece. She must have still been slightly sedated with medication or surely she would have punched him in the face.

No comments: