Friday, March 21, 2014

Confessions of a Dumb Blonde

So technically I have brown hair but that still doesn't stop me from saying some really dumb things sometimes. I did graduate cum laude with my college degree but farm animals? Now that's a really tricky subject.

One day I was frustrated on the computer.
Paige: Ugh! I can't find what I'm looking for.
Josh: What are you looking for?
Paige: DIY stuff, it's always so cute.
Josh: What?
Paige: DIY makes like crafts and home good stuff and their stuff is always super cute but I can't find their website anywhere. Have you ever seen any DIY stores?
Josh: Do you think it's a brand or something? DIY stands for "do it yourself".
Paige: Oh... 

One night my husband and I were zoning out on the Internet
Josh: Did you know Artie on Glee is the pizza delivery kid on that one episode of the Office?
Me: Oh yeah, I can totally see that now! Wait so he's not really in a wheelchair?
Josh: Really? We've seen a bunch of episodes of Glee when he's dancing around and walking and stuff. How did you not know that already?
Me: I thought it was like special effects or something. Are you sure? Then why are his legs atrophied?
Josh: Paige, he's just a skinny kid.

One night while watching Blackfish I saw a close-up of an Orca whale.
Me: Woah, what was that?
Josh: The whale's eye. Was that surprising for you or something?
Me: I thought those big white things were it's eyes.
Josh: How could that possibly be an eye? There's no pupil or lid, it's just a big white spot on the side of it's head!
Me: Well, I didn't think you needed eyelids underwater.

One day while driving around Salt Lake I informed Josh that Utah's state bird is the seagull and then asked him what Minnesota's state bird is.
Josh: The loon.
Paige: No, that must be your state duck, or your state animal or something. What's your state bird?
Josh: The loon.
Paige: No, that's a duck.
Josh: Ducks ARE birds.
Paige: Nooo... Wait what?
Josh: What do you think a duck is?
Paige: It's an animal.
Josh: Well yes, but more specifically it's a bird.
Paige: No, it's poultry.
Josh: Poultry are birds.
Paige: So you mean to tell me that chickens and turkeys and geese and ducks and all of those things are birds too?
Josh: Paige they have WINGS.
Paige: Well yeah, but they can't fly...
Josh: Yes they can fly! Have you ever been duck hunting? Of course not. Have you ever played duck hunt?
Long story short, we got home, googled it (or I googled it while Josh stared at me in horror) and it turns out- ducks are birds I guess.

Apparently ducks are a confusing area for me. One night on the phone with Josh's parents they told us about the wood duck house they had built. We got off the phone and I asked Josh what a wood duck looked like.
Josh: What do you mean?
Paige: Well how is it different from an actual duck?
Josh: What do you mean an actual duck?
Paige: You know, like a normal duck.
Josh: A normal duck?
Paige: Those green headed guys.
Josh: A mallard?
Paige: A what?
Josh: Paige do you understand what a species is?
Paige: .... So there's no such thing as just a regular duck?
Josh: No honey.

Last one of the farm animals category (which I guess I never cared to learn much basic information about). One day while driving to my grandparent's house I was looking out the window and saw some strange animals.
Paige: What kind of animals are those?
Josh: Are you serious? They're cows. Have you never seen a cow before?
Paige: Obviously I've seen a cow. Cows are white with black spots. These things are just brown and black.
Josh: Black and white cows are dairy cows, there are different kinds of cows. Maybe your grandparents have some little kid book about farm animals you can read when we get there.

One time Josh and I stopped at In N Out. We ordered, sat down, and I started reading a brochure at the table. On the back of the brochure there was an order form to fill out and mail in and a place to put your money. I casually remarked out loud "Who would want to order a hamburger by mail? It'd be cold and gross by the time it got there." Josh was already walking towards the counter to get our food. He stopped, turned around, stared at me for a while, and then came back to the table to point out the t-shirts and hats and other memorabilia on the front of the brochure and explained that you would be ordering a t-shirt by mail, not a hamburger.

One night we were watching one of those late night talkshows and they introduced the lead singer of the Dave Matthews Band as "Dave Matthews."
Me: Woah! That's actually his name? How tricky!
Josh: silence.

One time we were driving and I saw a sign for a ten dollar tire rotation. I said to Josh "Who would pay ten dollars for that? Your tires rotate every time you drive." Josh tried to explain it for a while and then ultimately had to draw me a diagram of what tire rotation was.

One day Josh was telling me about a relative of his who was a merchant marine.
Paige: Wow that's so cool. You have to be really strong to be a merchant marine.
Josh: Well I don't really know about that, you mostly have to know about ships.
Paige: No you're thinking of the navy, the marines are on land.
Josh: Paige, what do you think a merchant marine is?
Paige: Someone who is in the marines and I don't really know about the merchant part- maybe they sell stuff?

I am very scared of bugs, one day while home alone I saw one on our floor and trapped it under a pot so Josh could kill it when he got home. I also stacked several books on top of the pot for good measure so it definitely couldn't escape. When Josh got home this is what transpired
Me: Oh good you're home. I trapped a really scary bug for you under that pot. Can you kill it please?
Josh: What kind of bug?
Me: I've never seen anything like it. It's like an exotic cross-breed of some kind.
Josh: (Lifting up the pot and taking a look) Yeah, that's a french fry.


Meg said...

Oh Paige. What would I do without you?

Melissa said...

Paige, my husband is looking at me like an idiot because I am laughing like a crazy person. This is the best ever.