Monday, February 3, 2014

How to Talk to Women

We thought about making some super cute Valentine's for you guys to use or sharing some inspirational stories of true love with you, but when we looked over our collective output as a blog team, we discovered that we mostly had a ridiculous collection of advice and stories, with the occasional touching bit here and there, so that's what we'll be sharing with you over the next few weeks. We can direct you to those other things if you'd like later. Happy month o' love! We'll let Paige kick it off as only Paige can. 

In honor of the month of love I thought I would give you all a little gift. My husband has some excellent tips on how to talk to women. It's an art form really, one that he has carefully mastered, and since Valentine's Day is approaching, I thought I would share some of his pearls of wisdom with you.

When your wife cooks a loving meal for you, here are several suggestions of things to say:

My personal favorite-
"This doesn't taste like my mom makes it."

"Oh it's great baby." (A promising start...)
"But it would be much better with different ingredients."

Describing the dinner I had prepared to our dinner guests-
"It's a curry dish." Pause...
"But not like authentic curry...."

Before even tasting it-
"It looks wonderful baby. But maybe next time let's make it differently."

Discussing our Thanksgiving travel plans and deciding we were going to stay home-
Me: That will be fine. I can cook Thanksgiving dinner for us!
Josh: I'll call around and see what restaurants are open.


Ideas for finessing your pregnant wife:

One night I was in tears crying about how big I was and I told Josh I looked like a walrus.
"Oh baby you don't look like a walrus!" (Another promising start)
"You don't have any tusks."
I patiently waited for more reasons but that was the end of the list.

After complaining to Josh that no one had given me the compliment that I was "glowing."
"You're glowing honey." Pause...
"Actually you're more glazed.
Like a doughnut."

After asking Josh if another pregnant woman with the same due date was skinner than I was-
"Well.... Um.... Well... She's probably just not as hungry as you are."

One day I stopped at KFC on the way home from work because I constantly craved their potato wedges and used to order the family size for just me. I called Josh to tell him I was going to be late coming home.
Me: I had to park and wait because they had to cook more wedges.
Josh: Well they probably didn't know you were coming, next time you should call and let them know ahead of time.

Josh and I were at a burger place and I had finished my french fries and desperately wanted to order another order but I was embarrassed and I wanted him to tell me it was ok.
Me: Do you think anyone ever orders two things of french fries?
Josh: Maybe people that are on documentaries about obesity.

Almost a year after giving birth I came across an old picture of myself pregnant.
Me: Wow. I think I was maybe the largest pregnant woman that has ever lived.
Josh: Yep.
Me: What?! I even asked you when I was pregnant and you said I was normal sized!
Josh: Of course I was going to lie to you. You were bigger than me. 


Always take the opportunity to comment on how much women can eat. Ladies love that.

One day we went to Five Guys and I ordered a double cheeseburger and the cashier asked me if I was sure I wanted that (what kind of a jerk says that by the way) but before I could say anything Josh responded-
"Don't worry, she can really put it away."

One day we were driving along in silence and I asked Josh what he was thinking about.
Josh: I think I'm going to buy stock in Frito-Lay.
Me: How come?
Josh: Because you alone are always going to keep them in business.

At a new restaurant one night, the waiter brought our food out and I was surprised at the portions-
Me: Wow. This is a ton of food! How am I going to eat it all?
Josh: I'm sure you'll find a way.


Other ideas of how to sweet talk your significant other during every day life:

I have a floral patterned shirt that I like to wear, I've had it for years and Josh had never said anything about it until one day-
Me: Have you seen my floral shirt anywhere?
Josh: You mean Mildred?
Me: What?
Josh: That's what I named your old lady shirt.

One day I located the nearest drive-in movie theater and excitedly asked Josh if he wanted to go-
Josh: Oh ummm.... With just you or with other people too?
Me: Just me.
Josh: No thanks.

One day I was bummed about something and I told Josh that I felt like everyone hated me-
"What are you talking about? No one hates you!" Pause...
"Except this person and this person and this person, oh and all of our neighbors...."

And lastly, we were having dinner with a new couple we had just met, I was talking to the wife and Josh was talking to the husband, I listened in to their conversation just long enough to hear this little gem-
Other husband: Oh your wife runs? She should go running with my wife!
Josh: Well she runs, but not very far. Or very fast.


Melissa said...

Oh, Paige. I love this. Our husbands would be very good friends.

After we had our first baby I was getting out of the shower and I bent over. My boobs suddenly resembled a cow's udders and my husband gave me a thumbs up and said, "Thanks for taking one for the team, babe."

You always crack me up.

Anonymous said...

YES. To all of this.