Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Confessions of a Pregnant Texter

So today my baby was taking an abnormally long time to put down for a nap and I found myself reading old text messages I sent to my husband while I was pregnant. I think when you're pregnant you are kind of living in this alternate universe where you think that you're rational and normal when in fact you are quite the opposite. But no one tells you that because they don't want to make you cry even more. Anyway, thought I'd share some of these precious gems, which in hindsight are all super ridiculous and I don't know how Josh put up with it for nine months! Enjoy!

Me: So my baby shower is postponed because my grandma's aunt died and that's when her funeral is and now I bet no one can come. Everyone gets parties but me!
Josh: Paige, people can't help when they die.
Me: Stupid Aunt Sue. I just want to open presents all day long!

Me: One of my co-workers just started eating some weird meat that's been in the fridge for two months and it just made me sick. And she eats louder and more aggressively than anyone I've ever seen, man or beast.

Me: One of my co-workers is eating a muffin that looks so good I think I'm going to leap across the table and snatch it out of her hands. Is it weird if I ask her for a bite?
Josh: Yes Paige, that's weird. Stop asking your co-workers for their food.

*Story time: One day one of my co-workers got chocolate covered strawberries delivered to her from her boyfriend. They were from Edible Arrangements, I'm sure they weren't cheap, and there weren't very many of them. Anyway she offered a strawberry to a girl sitting by me (they were close, and we were not) but crazy pregnant Paige turned around and stared at them until the girl said "Oh! Uh... Do you want a strawberry too?" And then crazy pregnant Paige was like, "Yes please, let me gobble down your birthday present!"*

Me: Josh my co-worker is eating some mystery food that I can't identify and it's making me throw up! I think if I knew what weird food it was I wouldn't be so grossed out. I'm going to try and find out.
Josh: Did you find out what it is yet?
Me: It smells like a spicy shepherd's pie
Josh: Is it?
Me: No, it's fettucini alfredo.

Me: (Picture message of my poop)
Josh: I don't think constipated pregnant ladies should be eating cracklin oat bran

Me: It smells like old tuna fish in here
Josh: Yummm
Me: Old expired tuna fish

Me: Do you think we should teach our baby sign language?
Josh: Why? Are you deaf?
We are teaching Cooper sign language so I won that battle!

Me: Josh I want to hire someone to make me muffins
Josh: How are you going to go about that?
Me: Can I just put an ad on craigslist?
Pregnant white female seeking one muffin maker
Bran muffins preferred
Blueberry muffins forbidden

Me: I think Cooper has fashioned a shiv during his time in confinement and is now using it to jab me in the ribs.
I am going to crawl up my own vaginal canal and put this baby in a straight jacket.

Me: I'm sleepy and I want a cinnamon bear.
And I want a hot dog. I want a hot dog and cinnamon bears.

Me: I smell like a wet washcloth

Me: Oh my gosh Josh I cannot watch this girl like feast on her cranberries. It's like a monkey foraging for fleas on other monkeys.

One day I sneezed and peed my pants at work...
Me: Josh!! I just had to take off my underwear in the bathroom cuz they're soaked! And now I have to work the rest of the day wearing just shorts and no undies!!
Josh: Are you serious?! Go home and change!
Me: No! I only have an hour left and I pretty much pee my pants all the time anyways! I'd have no vacation time left if I went home every time I peed my pants!
Josh: Oh Paige... Do you need me to bring you some underwear?

Josh packed me lunch every day and I guess some days I wasn't as grateful as I should have been...
Me: You said you packed me crackers and that was a dirty rotten lie.
Josh: Oh no! I'm so sorry!
Me: No crackers! And no pickles and no cheese! I just want to go home and cry!

Me: 1. I'm going to die if I don't get scrambled eggs. 2. I want a teardrop trailer!
Josh: We can look at trailers, that'd be fun
Me: What about my eggs????????
No answer
Me: !!!!!

Me: Someone is eating chick fil a and I want to body tackle them and take their chick fil a for my own.
Josh: Poor crazy baby.

Me: So I'm watching grey's anatomy and when I die during childbirth you should move in with your parents to help you with the baby and then when you get settled you can find a nice new wife ok? Just keep your hair trimmed and wear clothes that fit and you shouldn't have a problem.
Josh: Please stop watching medical dramas.

Me: I think I'm going to kill someone if I don't get a cookie in the next few minutes.
No answer
Me: Maybe one of my co workers has a cookie hidden in their desk and then I can create a diversion and search their things and eat their cookie?
Josh: Yeah?
Me: I feel like I can sense there is one near by.
No answer
Me: Found some old Easter candy in an old box of holiday decorations! Score!
Josh: Are you seriously hunting your office for candy?!
Me: Well not anymore.
Josh: Enjoy your spoils.

Me: (Picture message of a dark spot on our couch)
Me: Unfortunately I happened to sneeze while sitting on the couch in my underwear. You can guess the rest.

Me: Did you make a pizza at lunch? Is there any left over?
Josh: Two slices
Me: What kind is it?
Josh: Cheese
Me: Ok I eat it
Me: These are the smallest pieces of pizza I've ever seen!
Josh: Sorry baby

Me: Well I am deciding what to do. I was going to make a pizza but then some girl went to Culver's and I smelled her onion rings and then she gave the rest of her onion rings to this guy that eats a lot and he gets all her extra food and I'm pretty sure I can eat more than he can! So I don't know what to do.
Josh: What?? What are you talking about?? Are you talking about dinner?
Me: Yes dinner. But also that that girl never gives me her extra food.
Me: What'd you eat for lunch?

Me: I drank my diet coke and I've already fallen asleep at work twice.
Josh: Go buy another one at lunch
Me: I don't think that's going to help. I think I need a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart like that dying man on Downton Abbey.

Me: So every day I see this girl's pizza in the fridge and I think man I really want to eat a slice, she might not notice... And then I sit there and look at her pizza for a while. But I think my judgement might be slightly skewed, I should probably not eat her pizza right??
Josh: No pizza

Me: The baby has been scissor kicking my lady parts all day

Me: Everyone else got Rio for lunch and I'm sick of eating my sandwich every day and my feet are cold and I'm super pissed!
Josh: Baby I'm sorry. Let's make larger dinners so you can take them for lunch.
Me: I try to! But we always eat it all! And making dinners makes me really tired and swollen footed and I just want to cry!!
No answer
Me: Josh?
Josh: I'm so sorry baby, I can make dinners. Also what's the plan for tonight?
Me: Well we need to go to the store and get treats.

Me: Every time the baby gets hiccups it feels like my lady parts are in a popcorn popper.

You'd be crazy too if these were your feet!


Melanie Page said...

Too funny! Love it!!

Anonymous said...

This is awesome.
You deserve pizza everyday. All day.

fierygiraffe said...

I have some of these thoughts now--I can't imagine how bad it's going to be once I'm pregnant.

P.S. I'd love to be your muffin maker (wow that sounded dirty) if only you lived closer!

Miri said...

There are simply no words for how amazing this is. We can close down the internet now, Paige. You win.

P & J said...

I knew I could find a muffin maker if only my husband would have let me look!! Thank you so much for the offer!

Del Thatcher said...

Wondering if I was that nuts during pregnancy. Probably feet were definitely not that swollen. Thanks for the giggles.

Zaissa said...

I'm laughing ...but also relating! I could have been the texter for some of these!

Once a coworker (while I was 8mos preg!) bought ALL of a certain snack food out of our vendig machine cause he knew I loved them. Then he tried to sell them back to me at a profit! I resisted at first but then I really wanted one and I was going to pay his ransom and when I told him so he had already eaten it!!!

Husband had to go to the store and bring me cake to save that guy's life! (And keep me out of jail!)

Heidi Marie said...

Best post ever. Thank you for sharing! This should be on Ellen or something haha