Moving Forward

There was a time in my life, quite recently and somewhat well documented on this blog (maybe even the catalyst for this blog), where I pretty much had nothing.  No job, no home of my own, no direction.  I am relatively confident in saying that the reasons for my stalling out were mostly beyond my control and I am 100% confident in saying that I have never worked harder in my life than I did while I was trying to dig myself out of that hole.  I am still recovering in some ways, but for the most part, I am in a period of stability and I love it.

If I could pin point the hardest part of those years, which happened to cover my mid-to-late twenties, it would be to say that I was overwhelmed with feelings of failure and lack of motivation.  I was constantly working to find a full-time job and working several nanny jobs to make ends meet.  I was barely keeping my head above water.  My family supported me by giving me a place to live and feeding me and trying their best to keep me sane.  Even when I found a full-time job, it paid me just enough to pay my bills on time.  I was moving constantly, but I was getting nowhere.

There's a certain amount of luck that comes into play when you are in this situation (or others like it).  You have to work as hard as you possibly can, physically and mentally, to keep on top of things and to try to move forward.  For a (seemingly impossible) long time, you will feel like you are stuck and there will be no end in sight.  But if you are doing everything you can possibly do to make things better, and if you are paying attention and willing to accept help, a little bit of luck can set things back in motion.

For me, luck came in the form of my lowest point.  At the height of my anxiety.  At the time, it was the most emotional and physically taxing experience.  I felt like I had finally lost all control over the decisions in my life.  My mom told me to quit my job and move home.  After spending two and a half years searching for a full-time job, quitting that job seemed like the worst possible decision to make.  It was made worse by the prospect of moving back in with my parents.  There's nothing more uplifting than admitting defeat and moving back into your childhood home.  Right?  The thing is, once I moved back, I was offered an even better job.  A job that paid enough to get ahead of my bills and where I was surrounded by co-workers I liked and respected.

Now, two years after making that change, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I can move forward and happily put those years behind me.  I can make plans and have fun without feeling guilty or stressed about money.  I can see (and expect) more good things in my future, even though I also know there will also be more bad things along the way.  I'm happiest when I'm moving forward, but now I can find some gratitude for the time I was standing still. 

On Raising a Son

I've been raising girls for five years now, and I'm often discouraged by the blatant discrimination between boys and girls.

When we found out we were having a boy, I was beyond elated. I was going to have daughters, and a son. I was going to be able to have that special bond between a mother and her son, and I was going to be able to watch my husband raise a boy. However, it didn't take long to become defensive when people would make comments to me or my husband, such as:

"You are finally giving Adam a boy!"

"Wow! I bet Adam is so happy!" 

"Real men have boys!" 

and the absolute worst:

"Way to go, Adam! You did it!" 

(Which is horrific on so many levels)

As I prepare to meet my boy, I've been pondering some of the things I want to teach him about being a boy, that sometimes deviate from the things I've observed in society. According to Brene Brown's research on our cultural ideals for men, men are expected to always win, be in emotional control, take risks, assert dominance, be competently self-reliant, have power over women, and pursue status. I want my son to know that cultural expectations don't determine his masculinity.

1) Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. There is real strength in being open and honest, rather than pretending everything is under control all the time. Because it's not going to be okay all the time. You will be scared, hurt, and lonely, and learning to appropriately express and process these emotions will give you a balance and power that will allow you to thrive. Developing this skill will serve you well in adulthood.

2) Learn to control your thoughts. Your actions are ultimately dictated by your thoughts.Nobody else is responsible for the way you think or act. Becoming accountable for your own thoughts will teach you responsibility and control.

3) Learn to apologize. Nobody is perfect, and I don't expect you to be. I do expect you to own up to your mistakes, and recognize when you've done something wrong.

4) Honor women. I expect you to respect all people, but just as I want your sisters to learn to have respect for men, I expect you to respect women. Sometimes they will be difficult to understand, and that's okay.

5) I expect you to do the dishes, make meals, fold laundry, and vacuum the house. There is no such thing as "women's work" vs "men's work." As a member of this household, you are expected to pitch in and help out with whatever needs getting done.

6) In our house, there is no "Boys vs. Girls." As you get older, you'll notice lots of comparisons being made between boys and girls. Some people might even try to tell you that boys are better than girls. You'll know how silly that is. You'll know that every individual person is inherently born with qualities which allow them to contribute in significant ways to society.

7) Always be polite. Manners are important. I've raised your sisters to say please, thank you, and excuse me. I expect you to do the same. Just because you are a boy it doesn't mean you can get away with being crude. Not in my house, buster.

8) Don't feel like you have to be macho. Some people will define masculinity based on certain ideals, activities, or attributes. You're inherent manliness is not defined by how good you are at sports, or how well you can barbecue. You may be an excellent baseball player, and that will be wonderful. Or, you may be a tech nerd like your father, which will be just as wonderful, and just as manly.

9) Be loving. Serve others. Hug your sisters. Kiss your mommy. Did you know there isn't a single conversation that my brother, your uncle Sean, doesn't tell me that he loves me? It's always appreciated.

10) Be smart. Studies show that in the earlier school years, girls far surpass boys academically. Did you know that a large part of this is due to the fact that parents often place different expectations on girls academically than boys? Did you also know that parents read to their daughters more than twice as much as they read to their sons? Fortunately for you, your mother places an extreme emphasis on reading, and you'll have the benefit of many stories.

Bonus: We'll get our share of Cars, Planes, Monsters Inc, and Toy Story, but you are also going to be watching Frozen, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty. Good storytelling is good storytelling, and you shouldn't discriminate because someone tells you that something is a "girl" movie.

Of course, there are hundreds of things I want to teach my son, and I'm sure hundreds more he'll learn from his father. One thing I never want is to discourage him from being who he innately is, and to be able to find joy and happiness in life.

Just Stop Already: Article Headlines that Tease

I’m old for someone my age, and that sometimes makes me grumbly. I know it. When reading a news story, or one that is supposed to resemble a news story (usually online), I find myself growing more and more irritated. Why? I learned a long time ago that the best news stories present the most important information first. I really can't handle it when an article doesn't adhere to this practice (I almost had to walk away from this post while researching headlines because I was so frustrated). Examples:

• Something Weird Happens When Three Master Fencers Battle Fifty Novices: It doesn't play out the way you probably think it does (Really, IO9?!)

Any headline from Upworthy (these are all real):

• He's Counting Down from 21, And By The Time He Reaches 15, My Stomach Is In Knots (First: can we please talk about capitalization rules in titles? Second: I couldn't agree more, commenter Lynn Shuck.)
• Think The Internet's Kinda Awful Sometimes? Well, You're Right. Here's Why.
• They're Trying To Censor Her -- So She Made A Video To Tell You What's Happening Instead
• Do You Like Drinking Beer? Here's A Video You'll Want To Pay Close Attention To.
• I Hate Sushi, But This Has Got To Be One Of The Most Engaging Videos I've Ever Seen
• 4 Minutes That Are Better Than Any Self-Help Book I've Ever Read

(Again, capitalization rules...and inconsistent punctuation, please.)

I'm not saying the information they present isn't inspirational or interesting. I've shared my fair share of articles with headlines that tease, but at some point I just had to step away. I think I've reached teasing headline saturation. Just provide the necessary information, or I'll get really irritated. I know it is supposed to entice us to click through onto the link, but so often it’s just a story that hijacks another story, waters it down into fluff, and then (maybe) provides a link back to the original.

Can you imagine having an in-person conversation in this style with someone? It would be like an extended, less informative, Perd Hapley interview.

(Walks up to acquaintance, sitting at a picnic table outdoors) 

Hey! How's it going?

On a day like today, with weather like this, you won't believe your eyes when you see just how today is going. Ask me again, but be sure you're sitting down! You'll never look at today the same way again!

So...Okay... I'm going to guess today is going well. Does it have something to do with that awesome-looking sandwich sitting in front of you? What kind of sandwich is that anyway?

What's in between these two slices of bread is better than anything you've ever had before. Take off the sandwich lid to see more. You won't regret it! It just might change your life!

Ummm, well, I haven't really washed my hands lately, so I probably shouldn't be touching other people's food. Germs and all. Plus it's a little weird for you to tell me to take apart your sandwich. I don't really know you that well...But, hey. Enjoy it, I guess. 

(Walks away quickly with confused look on face)

Here are some headlines I like (not because of the content, because the news can be quite sad) because they tell me what I need to know without teasing me:

Mouse Experiments Hint at Fountain of Youth in Young Blood (Nova Next & PBS)
De Blasio Outlines Affordable Housing Plan for City (NY Times)
Nigerian Insurgency Leader Says He Has Taken Abducted Girls as Slaves (Wall Street Journal)
Netflix's 'Orange Is the New Black' Renewed for Third Season (Hollywood Reporter)

So how does all of my complaining translate to real life? Here's me getting to the point (I know, I'm not practicing what I preach by putting this at the end): Say what you mean; mean what you say. Sometimes it can be helpful to cushion the message (i.e. "let's sit down and talk about this" situations), but sometimes it can just get in the way (i.e. situations where a firm, clear message is needed).

Anyone else out there feel this way? Just me? Alright then...

Being Grateful During Cruddy Circumstances

My little family just got back from a really fun trip to the San Francisco/Oakland area. My husband had a video production job there for one day and we decided we'd just add an extra plane ticket and have a last hurrah before our toddler turns two and doesn't fly for free any more, because at that point we figure we'll probably never fly again.

On the last day of our trip, we loaded up our rental car with all of our stuff because we were going to do a little more sightseeing and then we were going to go down to San Jose to stay with my friend for the night so that we didn't have to wake up at 2 am to make our 6:00 flight (plus we had borrowed some bedding from friends that we didn't want to return at 2 am, because that seems like a bad way to thank someone for lending you their stuff). We found a great parking spot just behind Ghirardelli Square and had a really fun four hours, then we trudged back to the car happy and exhausted, sure our toddler was about to fall asleep in the car while we drove around a bit more before we headed out.

Only when we got there, there was something funny about the back window of our rental van. At first we thought it was a shadow from some trees - then we realized that the window was broken.

We rushed to look in, because the van was FULL of stuff, including quite a bit of equipment my husband brought with him for his job - a backpack full of soundboards and cameras and video equipment, plus a laptop bag with two laptops in it.

The backpack was gone.

My husband went down the street to the hotel on the corner to ask them what the number was for the police, and the security guards told us that our car was actually parked right under a security camera - and that there were similar break-ins on this street all the time. A homeless guy would walk up to a car, wave at the security camera, break the window and walk off with people's stuff, and no one would do anything.

Since we were in a rental, we had to make a police report even though we were sure they wouldn't do anything. The concierge at the hotel called them and told us that it would be two hours before anyone could get there. We realized at this point that we hadn't paid for the insurance for the rental, and the very limited insurance we carry for our clunker car wasn't going to help either, so we would also get to pay for the window.

There we sat with our exhausted grumpy toddler, stewing about our stupidity and bad luck, feeling robbed of stuff and our vacation. After 2.5 hours we called the police again to check on things, and they had no record of the previous call, but also they said we could make that report over the phone. So . . . great. We made a report, put our little girl in her pajamas and drove off to my friend's house to put her to bed (plus my husband had to go to the rental car place to fill out a report about the window issue, since they wouldn't be available when we went back at 4:30 the next morning).

So to sum up, the last day of our vacation went like this:

• We got robbed, and the thief made off with about $2000 worth of equipment (most of which he probably won't get anything out of because he won't know what it's worth). 
• We didn't get the rental car insurance, so we would be paying for the window he broke out of our own pockets.
• We had to sit in the car for three hours with a tired toddler waiting for police who were never coming, thanks to faulty information from the dispatcher.
• We didn't get to do any of the other fun things we wanted to do in our last few hours of vacation. 

However, my husband is incessantly positive once he gets over his initial frustration, and some of it has rubbed off on me. As we were sitting there in the car--and in the days following-- we've realized a few other things. 

• Right next to the backpack was a laptop bag containing two MacBook Pros and a piece of equipment that for no reason I understand is worth $1400 (a piece that had been in the backpack on our way down, I might add). If the thief would have picked that bag, the loss to us and the company would have been more like $8000 - plus the laptops had the job my husband had just done but hadn't delivered yet on them. It could have been a lot worse. 
• We weren't anywhere nearby when we got robbed. We were never in danger, we just came back to a broken window.
• The window was the only damage to the car - probably the least expensive fix for us.
• We're in a place now where this kind of loss doesn't equal total devastation to our bank account. It's certainly not ideal and we don't have a lot of extra money to throw around, but after a year of hard work and insane budgeting and some good luck, we have an actual emergency fund. 
• We found out a couple of days later that our Visa card (which we used for the car rental) actually has insurance for collision and theft for car rentals, a thing I would never have thought to check but which my brother did, so we shouldn't have to pay for the window after all. 
• We had friends who put us up for the night after it all happened and who were offering support throughout the experience. It was so nice to come back to a home with friendly faces and offered leftovers instead of to a hotel, and it was nice that we had options for rides if things had worked out differently with the rental car. 

It would be easy to look back on this trip with frustration and anger and let those last few hours of our last day ruin the whole thing. But the truth is, we had a lot to be grateful for once we started looking for it, a fact that I think is almost always true, no matter the circumstances. So instead of remembering this vacation angrily for years to come, I'll remember it like this: 

And this: 

And this:

How has gratitude helped you feel better about a bad situation?

Perfectly Imperfect

Growing up, I always felt like I'd been passed up on the talent department. One of my biggest pains and sorrows as a teen, was that as much as I wanted to preform and be on stage, I didn't have the voice to be a star. I couldn't paint. I couldn't do much of anything. So I just said that I wasn't creative, and that was that. 

Except that it wasn't, because as talent-less as I am, I still have always felt this need to create, and to be creative.

Recently I came across something beautiful written by artist Nicholas Wilton: 

“I always felt that someone, a long time ago, organized the affairs of the world into areas that made sense – categories of stuff that is perfectible, things that fit neatly in perfect bundles.  The world of business, for example, is this way – line items, spreadsheets , things that add up, that can be perfected. The legal system – not always perfect. but nonetheless a mind-numbing effort to actually write down all kinds of laws and instructions that cover all aspects of being human, a kind of umbrella code of conduct we should all  follow.

Perfection is crucial in building an aircraft, a bridge, or a high-speed train.  The code and mathematics residing just below the surface of the Internet is also this way.  Things are either perfectly right or they will not work.  So much of the world we work and live in is based upon being correct, being perfect.

But after this someone got through organizing everything just perfectly, he (or probably a she) was left with a bunch of stuff that didn’t fit anywhere – things in a shoe box that had to go somewhere. So in desperation this person threw up her arms and said “OK! Fine.  All the rest of this stuff that isn’t perfectible, that doesn’t seem to fit anywhere else, will just have to  be piled into this last, rather large, tattered box that we can sort of push behind the couch.  Maybe later we can come back and figure where it all is supposed to fit in.  Let’s label the box ART.

The problem was thankfully never fixed, and in time the box overflowed as more and more art piled up.  I think the dilemma exists because art, among all the other tidy categories, most closely resembles what it is like to be human. To be alive.  It is our nature to be imperfect. To have uncategorized feelings and emotions. To make or do things that don’t sometimes necessarily make sense.

Art is all just perfectly imperfect.

Once the word Art enters the description of what you’re up to, it is almost like getting a hall pass from perfection.  It thankfully releases us from any expectation of perfection. In relation to my own work not being perfect, I just always point to the tattered box behind the couch and mention the word Art, and people seem to understand and let you off the hook about being perfect and go back to their business.”

Creating art isn't about being the most talented, or most admired. It's an experience between you, and your art. Last year, I participated in a local art class. It was simple enough, They provided the paint, the canvas, and the instructor, who walked us through, step by step, as we all created the same piece of (admittedly poor to mediocre art). I was shocked at the sense of achievement I felt, the freeing sense of creating, even though it wasn't even that spectacular. I was amazed I was even able to follow instructions. It was peaceful, relaxing, and FUN. It was, as Wilton said, perfectly imperfect.