Expectation Vs. Reality

Recently I was talking to my good friend, Cori. I was admiring a beautiful little heart pendant that she was wearing, so  I asked her where she'd gotten it.

She replied that she bought it for herself, and then she added that she wished she could say it was from her husband...but he really didn't do things like that. I kind of laughed because I understood completely. I confessed my husband isn't really a sentimental jewelry buyer either. "What about your pearl necklace?" She reminded me.

Oh yes. My pearl necklace.

At some point during our first year of marriage, I mentioned to my husband that by our five year anniversary I wanted him to buy me a pearl necklace. I thought I was being pretty fair by laying out my expectation and desire (so I could be properly hurt if he didn't fulfill my wish). Somehow I'd gotten it into my head that the gift of a pearl necklace was the most romantic gesture of pure love a husband could offer (which probably has something to do with the fact the both my mother and grandmother had been gifted a pearl necklace from their spouses).

Well you can imagine my surprise when on our four year anniversary my husband jumped the gun and bought me a pearl necklace. I opened the box, my body teeming with anxiety, and immediately I knew I'd been let down. Pearl necklaces are not all made alike and this one was not what I was expecting. It was cheaply made, stiff, bumpy, discolored in spots...I was devastated. This is what I'd been waiting for?

Like a good person, I didn't let my disappointment show. Especially since he was excited to have surprised me a year earlier than demanded hoped for. I stayed quiet...that is until one day when I exploded (over something entirely unrelated) and during my rant I accused him of never listening to me and buying a cheap necklace (yes, I went on his amazon account to confirm he bought it on sale from $35 dollars). Before you write me off as a psychopath please note that I was pregnant at the time and my rant seemed totally justifiable in the moment.

My husband, being the darling that he is, instead of becoming defensive and angry started saving up for a real pearl necklace. One that would satisfy the whims of his spoiled wife. I opened a beautiful, classic pearl necklace on our fifth anniversary. You might expect the moment would be marred by the memory of my psychosis, but it wasn't. I was extremely grateful and again was reminded of what a sweet man I'd married, who fulfilled my desire (after I'd verbally assaulted him).

Although I had this expectation of a grand romantic gesture, and I still love my pearl necklace to this day, it was not the most romantic thing my husband has ever done for me. Some of those include:

• Picking up dinner on the way home from work so I wouldn't have to  make it.
• Carrying me up to bed after I fell asleep on the couch.
• Giving me a couple hours to myself so I could go read in the park with an ice cream while he and our daughters crafted handmade Mother's Day gifts.
• Cleaning the bathrooms before he leaves for work so that my load can be lightened.
• Supporting our family both financially, and emotionally in every way. 

So really, it is the little things. Would I turn my nose up at a grand romantic gesture? No, of course not. I'd eat it up in a second. But after nine years together I've come to appreciate the little romantic gestures that he makes on a daily basis to show his love for me, and I hope I'm doing the same. Truth be told, the expectations of my life pale in comparison to the reality of what I've been given. I just didn't know I already had what I wanted.

So Hollywood, you can keep your flowers, chocolates, and diamonds. I'm happy with my man who will scrub toilets, fold laundry, and share a frozen yogurt with me.

Confessions of a Hungry Girl

I had my monthly chiropractor appointment today. The usual questions were answered.

"How is everything?"

"How's the neck?"

"Anything new?"

I normally answer the last question with Nope regardless of the actual answer. But today I said, "I think I've gained some weight."

He laughed and looked at my chart. "It says you were 110 here on your first appointment. I don't believe that. I think you are the only woman who lies about her weight in the opposite direction."

I get it. No one wants to hear about someone complaining for being "too skinny". But when I was in grade school one of my nick names was Ethiopian. With my over-active metabolism and inability to sit still, my doctors were worried about me. I had to drink Ensure. Do you know how weird it is to have Ensure packed in your lunchbox next to the JELL-O cup?

I hated its chalky taste. But, the real problem was that I hated almost everything. Beans. Peas. Any vegetable that was green, red, orange, or white. Or yellow. Sour Cream. Cream Cheese. Whipped Cream.

My food groups are fruit snacks, chicken nuggets, and ice cream (the only kind of cream I will eat). Those are also the three things I would take to a deserted island. And some sprinkles.

But, today as I proudly told my chiropractor that yes, I believed I had gained some weight, I stepped back to think about what has happened to me since grade school. Like most women, my weight has fluctuated between I Think I Look Good and Yup, My Jeans Do Not Fit. I gained 30lbs after living in Europe for 3 months. I had only two food groups then: cake and beer. Unfortunately, I can't even remember the last time I had cake.

But, I do remember the last time I ate McDonald's. It was Monday. Glorious Monday. And the Saturday before that. And the Friday before that. And the Thursday before that.

I just can't figure out where this new weight is coming from.

How “Just Looking” Can Be Dangerous

I am three years into a new career. It’s great! I’m still continuously learning new things about myself, my new profession, and the people I serve. However, three years into a new career is not exactly the ideal time to begin looking at houses (I can’t even find it within myself to switch apartments so I can get a dog, which is something I desperately want, let alone buy a house…). And yet, here I sit, browsing through Zillow with a few specifics in mind for a home.

Now, I’m just looking, but sometimes “just looking” can be dangerous. I have fallen in love with at least three houses I could see as homes. (DANGER!) The last one was a doozie--Gorgeous, spacious, a yard for a someday-dog, appliances included (luxurious!!!). We’d only just met earlier today, and yet… There was something special. I found myself browsing through the photos, picturing my furniture in the living room, picturing my mail scattered on the kitchen counters and my tacky magnets stuck to the fridge. I looked at the square footage, the double garage (no more scraping ice from the windshield!), the deck in the back yard... And then I had to snap myself out of the daydream.

What’s the best way to do that and protect myself from heartbreak? Find a flaw. That’s right, friends. Whenever you’re online shopping (or in-store shopping), the best way to prevent yourself from getting in too deep is to convince yourself that you’ve not fallen head-over-heels. So, in this case, I set to work. I looked at the price history of the property (could have gotten a great deal in 2005, but now this one looks overpriced...and I’m too much of a deal seeker to fall for that). I looked at home buying guides online (to convince myself that the whole process is just too overwhelming to even consider at this point), and I looked at the realtor’s listing. That was the one that indicated the perfect reason for me to fall out of love with this house. It mentioned the words “sump pump.”

I’ve lived in Iowa my whole life. When a listing says “sump pump” that means water in the (lovely, recently refinished) basement. That also means I don’t want to deal with it. But, just to be sure, I Googled how to check if an address is prone to flooding (in case anyone is wondering, it’s FloodSmart.gov). And I had my answer, in all-caps, bright red font: THIS PROPERTY IS HIGH-RISK.

Danger!!!

I may have been spared this time, but I fear this (tempting and risky) process of falling in and out of love with homes on the internet will continue… But at least I’m safe for now.

Confessions of a Prideful Mom

When I was first married, my husband and I were having a nostalgic moment discussing our childhood.  He told me that his parents would tell him and his siblings that almost every problem they were having was a pride issue.

I scoffed.

Not everything can relate back to pride . . . right?

Turns out I'm not always right (much to my chagrin). I have come to realize that most of my problems are related to pride.  Obviously there are some that are completely beyond control.  My daughter being prone to ear infections, my son's problems with vision and crossed eyes, my husband's diabetes, my apparent inability to be a comfortable pregnant woman. All of these have nothing to do with pride.

Isn't there a pop culture reference to having 99 problems and something not being one?  I must sound horribly out of touch in asking this question, but what can I say? I can sing every song from Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

Well, let's think about the things I perceive as being problems in my life.  I do not look physically at all how I feel I "should, " I am not great at keeping every inch of our home clean.  I do not have anywhere near enough storage space.  My living room also happens to be a toy room, a family room, a tv room, a den, and often times a dance studio. Which means that it is not as nice as I want.  My home is not perfectly decorated.  I do not have enough money to let my husband stay home with us every day.  There is not a single time in my recollection that all of my laundry was done.  My car is the place goldfish go to die. No matter how I try, it's always dirty and full of toys and blankets.  I let my kids watch too much TV, et cetera, et cetera.

Do any of these things matter?  Honestly, no. They obviously matter to me, but it's because I am quite prideful.  If I were forced to sit down and really list my priorities, these things wouldn't be on them. But, because I have this crazy idea of how my life "should be," I have this insane feeling of inadequacy when I don't accomplish them. Which, let's be honest, is always.

What would happen if I let go of my pride? If I let go of all of the "shoulds?" What if I stopped letting silly things control my thoughts?  Well, I would venture to say I'd be a happier person, a nicer mom, a more considerate wife.  I'd say all around there would be improvements.  And yet, I hold on to my pride as if it were a lifeline.  For the life of me, as I sit here writing this, I cannot explain to you why.  I don't know what I get from being prideful.  If you come up with something let me know.

So here I am. Admitting to the fact that I am prideful, and selfish.  And hoping beyond hope that I can be strong enough to let it go. It obviously doesn't benefit me.

I believe it is in times such as these, when we can accept our less than perfect aspects, that our lives have the opportunity to become truly lovely.

Here is to being productive without feeling like you have to do more, or it's not good enough. Here is to being healthy for the sake of being healthy.  To taking care of my home, and spending more time enjoying the mound of toys my kids have, because heaven knows there are parents who would love to give their kids so many toys they can't find storage space for them.  Here's to accepting life's lovely moments without letting the hand of pride sneak in and make them less.

I am going to tackle this.  It won't be quick, and it won't be easy, but I like a challenge.  Well, a challenge that isn't too challenging.  I have downfalls, and I have imperfections.  But, when I see the way my kids look at me and the love in my husbands eyes when he comes home from work, they all seem so insignificant.  I am going to try and see myself as others, the ones who I love most, see me.  Definitely sounds like a win to me.

Be stronger than the pride?  It's not easy, but I am willing to try.  Are you?

Truths I've learned from Anne of Green Gables

My grandparents own a cabin in Island Park Idaho, where I spent many summers as a child. There was a large collection of what we called "cabin movies," which were essentially movies that were kept at the cabin that we'd watch obsessively every trip.

Among our collection was the Megan Follows version of Anne of Green Gables. I have been thinking about Anne (spelled with an E) recently, and decided to read L. M. Montgomery's novels, along with watching the movies again. Here are some truths I've learned from Cordelia Anne Shirley.

1) Cultivate your imagination “It's been my experience that you can nearly always enjoy things if you make up your mind firmly that you will.” 

2) Apologize profusely and sincerely "Oh, Mrs. Lynde, I am so extremely sorry," she said with a quiver in her voice. "I could never express all my sorrow, no, not if I used up a whole dictionary. You must just imagine it. I behaved terribly to you--and I've disgraced the dear friends, Matthew and Marilla, who have let me stay at Green Gables although I'm not a boy. I'm a dreadfully wicked and ungrateful girl, and I deserve to be punished and cast out by respectable people forever. It was very wicked of me to fly into a temper because you told me the truth. It was the truth; every word you said was true. My hair is red and I'm freckled and skinny and ugly. What I said to you was true, too, but I shouldn't have said it. Oh, Mrs. Lynde, please, please, forgive me. If you refuse it will be a lifelong sorrow on a poor little orphan girl would you, even if she had a dreadful temper? Oh, I am sure you wouldn't. Please say you forgive me, Mrs. Lynde."

3) Dream Big “Oh, it's delightful to have ambitions. I'm so glad I have such a lot. And there never seems to be any end to them-- that's the best of it. Just as soon as you attain to one ambition you see another one glittering higher up still. It does make life so interesting.” 

4) Learn from mistakes 

Anne: "But have you ever noticed one encouraging thing about me, Marilla? I never make the same mistake twice".

Marilla: "I don't know as that's much benefit when you're always making new ones".

5) Learn from failures “I've done my best, and I begin to understand what is meant by 'the joy of strife'. Next to trying and winning, the best thing is trying and failing.” 

And always remember...