How I Learned to Make Dolls (Plus an Unsolicited Plug for Wee Wonderfuls)

For my daughter's first Christmas, I really wanted to make her a doll. I'm not sure why this desire was so strong (although it was probably partly because we were kind of poor and partly because my friend Becky had just posted some doll hair tutorials and some really beautiful dolls that she'd made, and I wanted to be as cool as she is).

The problem was I couldn't really sew. All the tutorials you can find require some kind of knowledge of special stitches and junk like that, and I just couldn't quite figure out what they were talking about. I finally settled on a tutorial for a Black Apple doll for that first attempt. She was cute, but if you looked closely, she was barely holding together. The seams were shabby, the limbs were sewn on badly, I didn't know how to do a ladder stitch so I couldn't make the stitches invisible, etc. I made her a scarf to cover up the mistakes I made sewing her head on. Luckily, CB was only 5 months old and not very discerning.

Despite my only sort of successful attempt, I really enjoyed the process of turning unloved fabric scraps into something cute and lovable. I really wanted to learn to do it well, and I wanted to learn in time for the day when my daughter would have opinions about how they should look. A few months later, after reading lots of reviews and doing lots of searching around for something that I thought would be easy enough for my skill level without being boring,  I ordered Wee Wonderfuls: 24 Dolls to Sew and Love because it had some tutorials on how to do the actual stitches and had lots of different patterns so I could learn some different skills and hopefully start customizing a little someday.

Over the next few months I pulled out scraps here and there and put together a few toys that CB really loves.

 I had to make this bear by hand because I was afraid of trying to sew this fuzzy stuff in my sewing machine. He was made from the leftovers from the less-successful crib covers that I made for my daughter's crib so she wouldn't chew on it. (She still does, but she likes this bear, and the covers make it less evident that the crib looks like a beaver got to it.) He was much cuter when he was new than he is now. She chewed off his nose as well.

Kitty's face took a couple of attempts and her tiny dress was a struggle, but she is well-loved now, despite her terrible seams. I have re-attached her head and legs once, and the head is starting to look a bit loose again. 

These sleepover pals have crazy wide-set eyes, but they get hauled all over the place. CB gives them to her bigger dolls so they can have babies. 

So after I'd made a few of these projects, I really wanted something I could customize a bit more. I downloaded another pattern (again from Wee Wonderfuls because I'd had good luck with her patterns in the book and had been drooling over her amazing doll hair for more than a year) and made a doll to match CB's Easter dress using the scraps. 

A side note: sewing round things (like heads) is hard. Now that I've done three of these dolls it's a little less intimidating, but good heavens it was scary the first time. 

The tricky part about making a doll for a toddler is that they know before you even make it into an actual doll what the parts are going to be, and then they steal the doll before you are finished. I've given up on hiding this baby until Easter. 

Doing the doll hair is fast becoming my favorite part of this process. It's lots of painstaking pinning and stitching (which took some time to figure out, especially the first time around - eventually I kind of sewed out from the center like spokes of a wheel to do the back of the head) but I love the results and the process of making it come together.

I used this brief tutorial and many others I'd been reading on this website and others to get this hair style.  I was going for this look. 

Faces are still a work in progress for me. I didn't like how the ones on the pattern were turning out for me, so I did my own. I want to play with the look a little more, but my limited embroidery skills make trying out anything fancy on a finished doll when a mistake could ruin the whole thing pretty terrifying. 

After finishing CB's doll, I made these big sister/little sister dolls for a friend who has a 5 year old and is expecting another little girl. Keeping them away from CB was extra tricky. 

Little sister's hair came from this tutorial, big sister's from this picture, because by then I had kind of figured out how to make it work. My doll's hair turned out totally different because the yarn was a different texture, but I think I ultimately decided I like it. 

I never could decide whether or not these ladies needed noses, so in the end I left them off. 

CB is now in the throes of major stuffed animal love, and she ADORES these babies and animals, especially the latest one. She makes them dance and hauls them all over the house, and I love the feeling of knowing I made her something that she enjoys - especially because I made pretty much all of them out of leftover scraps from various projects my mom and I have worked on over the years. I like using little bits of old projects to make something new. 

Mostly though, I love that I can still learn new things. Three plus years out of college, sometimes it feels like I am stagnating, even though I know I'm learning a lot about taking care of children, and I still read and learn things every day. It's nice to feel like I can pick up a new skill just because I decide to do it, and I can create something that makes me and at least one tiny person happy, and I can make actual, visible progress at something. 

What new things are you learning to do? (And if you decide to learn to make dolls and want to talk about it, shoot me a comment or an email!) 

Conflict Avoidance ≠ Peace

Most people don’t like conflict; this is pretty much a fact of life. However, it is also a fact of life that no one can avoid it forever. Unless you are a mountain man living alone in nature, it is inevitable that at some points in your life you will butt heads with other human beings.

For the most part, trying to avoid conflict is a good thing. No one needs more drama in their lives, and it definitely isn’t healthy to seek out arguments with people. If you’re able to let go of the little things that irritate you, the ones that don’t really mean anything, you’ll be able to make your life much more peaceful.

But there are times when conflict avoidance is not the ultimate high road—when it is, in fact, the wrong road. No matter how much we hate to be involved in disagreements, the hard truth is that sometimes it is necessary. Communication is an essential aspect of relationships, and no relationship can be healthy when one person isn’t willing to acknowledge tension. To be healthy, not just as one half of a relationship but as a person, you simply must be able to express your feelings.

Sometimes people let others walk all over them because they don’t want to start an argument. Sometimes someone does something that really hurts us, but we don’t want to have a fight about it, so we keep silent. Sometimes we bite our tongues because we’re afraid of what will happen if we bring up the issue. These behaviors are incredibly unhealthy, and they lead to other unhealthy behaviors like gossiping and passive-aggressiveness (because everyone needs an outlet). 

When a person’s ultimate relationship goal is to never have conflicts, they are effectively giving other people total control over them. If you put yourself in a situation where, no matter what the other person does, you will not say anything about it, you are allowing that person to decide what happens in your life. This is a misuse of our personal freedom, and essentially puts you in an abusive relationship. We unquestioningly condemn physically abusive relationships, but I think that sometimes an emotionally abusive relationship is worse for the simple reason that you may not even know you’re in one.

Conflicts cannot be resolved unless they are talked through. You may think that you can just ignore something and forget about it, but the fact is that you probably haven’t forgotten about it by just pushing it away. All you’ve done is give yourself time to stew; the same issue will come up again later, and again and again, and each time it will cause you more emotional pain. If you want to overcome the problem, you need to address it.

Don’t let yourself be a victim in your relationships. If it becomes necessary to have an argument with someone, don’t think you’re doing anyone a favor by keeping silent and avoiding it. If you want to have healthy relationships with others and be at peace with yourself, you must learn to deal with conflicts. It’s a ridiculously hard thing to do—believe me, I know—but unfortunately it’s just a part of life, and it’s something we all must learn.

Lesson Learned, Miki: Channel Your Inner Drama

Here's essay #9 by Miki Esplin. 


It's been almost 10 years since I came to the U.S. It feels like I have gone through many changes, trials, great happiness, and transformations in a very short time. I sometimes feel I am on a crazy ride and I need to get off for a bit so I don't get dizzy... Woo!


I was thinking about becoming lovely and for me, a wild, quite odd person who DOES NOT blend with the crowd, I feared my essay will be misunderstood. Which brings me to the lesson I have learned.


The fear of not being understood made me terrified and anxious communicating with people on deeper levels, human levels, bluntly-said levels. This fear made me try to talk and act in a way that I perceived to be "the right way."


Realizing I was acting out of fear, which is never a good thing, I went upon a learning journey to get to the root of the fear and yank it. What I learned is mostly awesome and somewhat sad but true.


When I am true to myself, respect my true core, and respect others' place in life, I am doing the right thing. With that said, being true and not always understood leads to the loss of "friends" or "loved ones."


Seeing life in a positive lovely way sometimes requires stepping in mud and having no one say, "Aw, you poor thing." The loneliness that comes with retrieving your real self is the "downside." The upside is that I have a true sense of who I am: complex, funny, silly, blunt, naive, loving to the point of puking, weird, unique and quite imaginative and dramatic.


Instead of letting that drama come out in my relationships, the drama is to be channeled into my art. Writing. Photography. Music.


The beautiful irony in that is that writing will lead to exposure of feelings and experiences that can make people, once again, not understand me. But the greatest lesson is that my truth and my art is ME.


Those who love me will stick with me, appreciate my sincere intentions and remember always that I love them in my odd, silly, sometimes overwhelming way.


I have released the need to be loved by everyone. How? I have learned that I love myself- and just like I would not give up on a person I love because they are not what I "decide" they should be, I have full confidence that I will not give up on myself, with all my weaknesses and oddness (which I now embrace).


Learning to have a positive outlook on yourself and others is a wonderful inner journey. As we know, we are our thoughts. Which is why repressing hard things can control me- so God gave me art!


I embrace imperfection- It's PERFECT and lovely and I love unconditionally. Peace.

A Lovely Contest

In an effort to get to know you, our amazing Lovely Readers, better (and also in an effort to make you send us that guest post you've been thinking about for months but never got around to writing), we have decided to hold an essay contest. A contest! With a prize!! Tres exciting, right?


So you write an essay (700 words max, although if you go over by a little, we won't hate you) and email it to us and we will post it. The category is "Lesson Learned," which basically means we want to hear about your embarrassing moments, good days, bad days, victories, failures, etc. Tell us about something that has happened to you that was a turning point of sorts - or maybe just an "a-HA!" moment. It can be something tiny that caused a big change, something big that caused a tiny but significant change, a thing and change of somewhat equal size - anything. Funny, sad, deep, random - we want it all!


As a bonus, you'll get an essay from each of us while you are thinking about what to send in. We will be posting our essays next week while we anxiously await your emails. After our posts, we'll start posting yours until they've all been posted and everyone has had a chance to read them. At that point, we will each pick our favorite essays and put the top three to a vote. The winner will be picked by you, our lovely readers.

Now we get to our awesome, fabulous prize. Our dear friend, Annie (author of Ultra Vroom, mother of an adorable toddling type person and mastermind behind annilygreen), has created a beautiful and Lovely Blog-centric fabric poster for our winner. The winner will be able to choose from two styles here and here (also pictured below). And if you don't win, she will still make you a poster just like these - you'll just have to buy it. We're all coveting them and saving our pennies.


So did you get all that? Just in case, here are the simple facts:

Lesson Learned – Essay Contest


Submit an essay (700 words or fewer) about a turning point in your life – it can be funny, embarrassing, sad, sarcastic, uplifting… the list goes on and on. As long as it’s about you, we want to read it.


Entries will be posted on this blog, On How to be Lovely, and there will be a vote for the winner.


Submission deadline is August 7th.

Best Imitation of Myself

Sometimes I wonder about how other people see me. I feel like there are so many different versions of me out there in the world just floating around. There is shy, independent, baby sister me; emotional high school me; funny, stressed, happy college me; me on a Friday night or me on a Monday morning; me with my friends and family and me at work. All of those versions (and so many others) make up the whole, but sometimes it bothers me that most people will only ever see one version of me.

There will be people who only interact with me once or twice and maybe I'll be having a terrible, no good day and they'll see and remember that not so lovely version of me. There will be people that, regardless of how much time and effort we both make, will never experience a version of me that works for them (and vice versa). There will also be those select few who will get a chance to see the whole package...and they will still love me, even when dealing with crazy, over-bearing control freak me.

I think that, in the end, people will see what they want to see. All I can do is remember that everyone is dealing with their own doubts, moods, fears, troubles, etc. and try to be the best version of myself regardless of those things.

Guest Post: Being a Mother

Melissa has provided us with quite a few guest posts, and here is another great one. Enjoy!

The word “woman” is not a definition in itself. A woman can be classy, sophisticated, and timeless; however, a woman may also be gaudy, brash, and unrefined. Women may be funny, or humorless. We are each born with our own spirit which may drive us to be traditional or modern, passive or passionate. We have the choice to become the person we desire. Each woman has within them virtue and flaw mixed with personality: the recipe for character.

Similarly, the word “mother” is not a definition in itself. I used to worry about becoming a mother. I thought I was far off from my own mother. My mother is kind, generous, sweet, refined, gentle, and innocent. I’m just sassy. While our core beliefs remain intact, our personalities are very different. Part of me assumed that when I became a mother, the angelic virtue of my mother would be born in me.

Nope.

For a long time I struggled because I couldn’t recognize the goodness of my mother in myself. Then, after months of guilt and reflection, I decided the best way to be Hannah’s mom was to embrace the fabulous person I am; to love her with all of my heart, care for her, and teach her, but be my own person and do it my way. So I am working simply on being the best mother I can be: Because I can either be a wonderful version of myself, or a poor version of someone else.

Saturday Snapshot: Express Yourself

Playdoh works for me!

Spotlight: Curly Girl Design

I don't normally make it a point to advertise things I like on this blog (mainly because I don't know how to write about it without sounding like a crazy person), but every once in a while something comes to your attention and you just must share. So.

A few months ago I was in a little store in Nashville, IN, and I started looking at these little greeting cards. I was in love with all of them. They all seemed to say something that was both simple and profound - and not terribly cheesy - and they were cute and creative. I stood and read them for about half an hour before I pulled myself away, and then I came back a few months later and bought several - some to give away, some to frame for myself - and last week I took Lin to the store and we both ended up with another handful. But even if you don't want to buy any (which is fine) you should go and look at them, because the message she's sending is truly lovely. You can find her website at http://www.curlygirldesign.com/.

Here are a few of my favorite designs. I had trouble narrowing it down. I'm pretty sure at some point I'll have some of her prints on my wall.

I Might As Well Be Comfortable.

Have any of you seen this episode of Seinfeld?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0Hbu4Z4pGI

Yeah. I'm pretty sure I think of this every single time I wear sweatpants or pajama bottoms outside of my house. Also, I'm confessing to the internets that I am a person who wears sweatpants or pajama bottoms outside of my house. At least now I make sure they match whatever shirt I'm wearing.

The thing is, I have felt like this a lot lately. Maybe it's the cold, rainy days or because I had a cold or whatever, the reason doesn't really matter. I've been wanting to lounge around. I wear yoga pants to work most of the week and I justify it by saying it's okay because I'm a nanny and yoga pants are so much easier, but it really is just a justification. I need to suck it up and wear real clothes.

The good part is that, outside of work, I have been ignoring my desire to lounge and have instead been going and doing things. I've been getting ready and going out and telling myself I look cute (even when I severely doubt my own judgment) and it's been fun. Crazy how that works, huh?

I guess I tend to let myself forget about the message I'm sending out to the world with my appearance. Wearing sweatpants is kind of like telling everyone you've given up on life...either that or you are just too stinking tired to worry about putting on a pair of jeans and a cute shirt. When you do put that time into how you look, though, it helps. People will be able to see how you feel about yourself and will treat you in kind.

Of course, this probably still won't keep me from wearing my yoga pants to work, but I'm okay with that.

Constantly Trying to Figure Things Out

Of the three writers of this blog, I am not usually the one who knows what has been happening on NPR, but there's a first time for everything!

"Can you tell your life story in exactly six words?"

It's a short story about six-word memoirs and the book, It All Changed in an Instant. It isn't easy coming up with just six words that encompass your whole life. Do you go funny or serious? Do you try to focus on one defining moment or event in your life or keep it general? It feels like you shouldn't have to think about it so much. It's just six words, right? Easy.

Or not. It's six words that tell your life story. Maybe I'm just over dramatic. Either way, I'd love if you Lovely Readers tried it out and shared your six-word memoir with us.

My Heart's a Drummer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_g3kkGH8Mo

My love for the show Glee is well known and, honestly, the cover of Don't Rain on My Parade from that show is what inspired this post; but I'm also a little bit of a purist, so this clip from Funny Girl won out.

Mostly, I was listening to the song and the lyrics (my favorite lines are in bold) and it made me think about Monday's post. Read through the lyrics, have a listen and go do something new and exciting.


Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade
Don't tell me not to fly, I simply got to
If someone takes a spill, it's me and not you
Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade?

I'll march my band out, I'll beat my drum
And if I'm fanned out, your turn at bat, sir
At least I didn't fake it, hat, sir
I guess I didn't make it
But whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection
A freckle on the nose of life's complexion
The Cinderella or the shine apple of its eye
I gotta fly once, I gotta try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?
Ooh, life is juicy, juicy and you see,
I gotta have my bite, sir.
Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer"
I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer
Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade

I'm gonna live and live NOW!
Get what I want, I know how!
One roll for the whole shebang!
One throw that bell will go clang,
Eye on the target and wham,
One shot, one gun shot and bam!
Hey, Mr. Arnstein, here I am ...

I'll march my band out, I will beat my drum,
And if I'm fanned out, your turn at bat, sir,
At least I didn't fake it, hat, sir,
I guess I didn't make it
Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer"
I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer
Nobody, no, nobody, is gonna rain on my parade!

Guest Post: Give Me Something To Sing About

Heidi has written for us before. I've already mentioned how awesome she is, but apparently she has a sister who is just as awesome! This news doesn't surprise me at all.

You know when you're driving, or cleaning, or cooking, or chatting away with friends and you have your favorite playlist going, the one where you know every word to every song? And you sing along the whole time and rock out a bit (or a lot) and you feel free and full of power? Yeah, I love that too. It makes me feel awesome!

My kid sister, Staci, and I work for the same employer. We were blessed for a long time to share an office together, where we'd shut the office door and sing our hearts out while working, because it makes us feel wonderful and strong.

Well... things had to change for one reason or another (and no, not because we sang too much) and we had to split offices. I got put in an office with a marketing guy and Staci went to a reception desk in the middle of everything.

My work life changed drastically after that. I stopped singing and I had a hard time for a while finding that joy of coming to work... I mean it's just awkward for a married girl to sing her heart out with a single marketing guy in the office, not to mention when you're having a rough day and need a sister like person to sympathize with you. Life at work for me became just... work.

This setup has been such for roughly three months. I've grown accustomed to not singing and I don't feel so out of place anymore (also, a pleasant side note--my husband works with us now, and the three of us have fun visiting each other and eating lunch together). But it still took me until yesterday to learn something very important: Sing anyway.

So yesterday I'm working away *type type type*, and I hear my sister's beautiful voice through the halls. And I realize... for three months my sister's been sitting at a makeshift desk in the middle of the hallway near the soda machine, where everyone walks back and forth and to and fro right past her for millions of reasons; she has no office, no privacy and no doors to shut so she can sing to her favorite songs. And all this time, she's been singing still.

My sister Staci is fearless. She sings boldly, because it makes her feel powerful. This is a quote from her as to why she sings where everyone can hear her: "I sing because I don’t care that anyone is around. If my employer wants to move me to the middle of the company then it's not gonna stop me from doing things I would normally do alone. And singing brings certain emotions to the surface where you just can’t help but release your inner self and sing your soul out! Kinda like therapy… eh?"

So if you love to *sing at work, or dance in the halls, or skip instead of walk, or strike up conversations with random people, or stop to help someone struggling a bit, or just smile a lot, or whistle, or eat fruit snacks during church, or make eye contact with people you pass at school, or talk to yourself, EVEN if it may be breaking the norm, do it anyway! And feel that light-as-air feeling in your gut, that smile that rushes to your face uncontrollably, that desire to be friends with everyone in the world. Yeah, that feeling. I love it, and I'm glad my sister reminded me that I can do what makes me feel that way anyway.


*Assuming none of this will get you in trouble with employers, church facilities, etc... :)

Saturday Snapshots

Never forget to take time to be silly.

Say Yes

So I was working on various things on a Friday afternoon, and I wanted something brainless to have on the TV while I was working on them. For better or for worse, I ended up seeing bits and pieces of about four straight hours of Say Yes to the Dress in the Friday afternoon lineup on TLC. It was . . . informative. (It is, after all, The Learning Channel.)
The basic premise of the show is that there are all of these consultants that work in a ritzy wedding dress store, and they try to close sales with various brides who come in to find their dream dresses. Some people know exactly what they want, some people have no idea, some people don't think they can spend as much money as their dream dress costs, and some bring their 18 children to help them pick out the dress. (Oh TLC and their crazy crossovers.)
Besides learning that there are a whole lot of ugly wedding dresses out there and that there are people who spend more money on their wedding dress than I intend to spend on my entire wedding, I learned a few things that I think are actually pretty applicable to decision-making in every day life. Scoff if you will, but here's what I came up with.

Five Things I Learned About Decision-Making from Say Yes to the Dress

1. It's really hard to make a decision that will make you happy when you're trying to please everyone. The most ridiculous drama on the show always comes when everyone has an opinion and the bride wants to please everyone, and I think the same is true in life. It just can't be done. Although your family and friends can have input in your decisions -- and it's often helpful input -- there comes a point in most decisions where it's down to you.
2. You can't always get what you want. It's always the people who know exactly what they want who have a hard time being satisfied with what actually exists. If you go into a situation knowing exactly how you want it to pan out and then find out that the perfect choice doesn't exist in reality, it's much more difficult to arrive at a satisfactory conclusion. (I learned this lesson the hard way, by trying to force my life into the shape I wanted. And then I realized it wasn't working and moved to Indiana.)
3. It's easier if you have some idea about what you want. Some people on the show don't know what they want at all, and they end up being tugged around by their families or bridesmaids or consultants, but they say things like, "This just isn't me." Having some idea about what you want is important for making a good decision, even if you end up with something completely different. In real life (but not so much with wedding dresses), I'd say this goes back to knowing who you are at your core.
4. Eventually, you have to commit to a decision. There's always going to be something else out there. Sometimes you just have to decide that amazing is going to be good enough and trust that you won't be disappointed that you didn't go with a different decision later. It's not settling -- it's just recognizing that you can't do or have everything. I always get a kick out of it when they compare choosing the dress to choosing the guy, but in a way it's the same principle. Eventually you just say, "This will make me happy. It may not be the only thing that could make me happy, but I can only have one, and I choose this one." If you don't ever get to that point, you end up naked or alone. :)
5. Sometimes, the thing that seemed perfect when you made the decision doesn't fit later. Lots of people come back months later for a fitting, and they panic because the dress isn't what they remembered or it no longer fits because they lost or gained weight. That's when you have to make alterations or switch to a different one. Just because it was the right decision at the time doesn't always mean it's going to be your only decision. (Okay, this is generally not as true of wedding dresses and husbands, but you can apply it to other decisions. It's harder to trade in wedding dresses and husbands than apartments or majors.) When it doesn't fit anymore, you either adjust until you can make it work, or you move on. I sometimes get in a mindset that says, "This is what I'm doing and I will always be doing it because it was such a good decision when I made it." But then it gets stale and I can't stick with it anymore. I felt like I needed to live in Provo after I graduated, but after living there for another year, I didn't feel that way anymore. (And again, there was Indiana.)

I was amazed with how much this absurd little microcosm of reality TV revealed about the way I make decisions -- not to mention the way it revealed why some decisions are more successful than others. The people who were the happiest in the end were the people who were flexible, but who trusted themselves and knew when they had reached a decision they could love. I think we could all learn from that.

"Know how to listen, and you will profit even from those who talk badly." --Plutarch

I have been reading a book. It's called Enough Already! Clearing Mental Clutter to Become the Best You, by Peter Walsh, and so far I'm enjoying it quite a bit. What I know about Peter Walsh is that he helps people get rid of clutter in their homes and in their lives, leaving them free to move on from the past and have healthy relationships in the future. This book is about clearing mental clutter, and one of the first areas he addresses is communication. Relationships with family, friends, significant others, coworkers, bosses, teachers, sales clerks, and random strangers all thrive or fail depending on our ability to communicate. It's essential to life, and an important skill to develop. With that in mind, here are a few points from the book.

• You know how sometimes when you're arguing with someone, you start thinking about the next thing you're going to say before they're finished talking? Walsh calls that overtalking. Don't do it. It's incredibly rude to cut someone off and start talking over them; if you start planning out your next response in your head, you're effectively doing the same thing.
  


• Examine your priorities--do you care more about winning the argument or finding a resolution to it? Is it more important that you get your way, or that you come to a solution that you can both agree with? Letting go of the need to win can be difficult, but you know what else is difficult? Fighting all the time.


• Learn to listen--without multitasking. Do you have your phone out while your partner (or whoever) is talking to you? Are you watching the TV behind them, flipping through a magazine, or playing a video game? If you are, stop. If someone wants to talk to you, put whatever you're doing down and focus on them. Make eye contact. Pay attention and you already set groundwork for a smoother conversation.
  


• Don't make every conversation a negotiation. If your spouse has a complaint, don't immediately counter with your own comparable one. This conversation is about him, not you--listen to what he has to say, and address his concern.
  


• Don't give pop quizzes. You hated them in school, and they're just as lame in a relationship. If you set your husband up to fail, he will fail. Don't passively hope for something and then be upset when you don't get it, especially if you know it's an area that isn't a strong point for him.

I think the basic principle of all these points is respect. Approach every conversation with respect for the other person, and speak to everyone the way you would like to be spoken to. If you try out some of these tips I think you'll find a lot of improvement in your relationships with people.

Express Yourself (Or Else)

I read an article in the Wall Street Journal a couple years ago (2007, I think) that talked about how women express their feelings, and why it is important. I actually saved the hard copy of that article up until this past summer when my husband and I moved into our current apartment, but alas, I think I threw it away in the move. Now that I want to write about it, I can't find it. But I have found another article that says something similar, and I will try to summarize for you.

Women use verbal communication differently than men do. This we know. Women like to talk about their feelings more than men do, and men often have a hard time understanding that we don't want them to solve our problems, just to listen to them. This is why we have girlfriends.

But what you might not know is that women need to have this kind of communication, and if they don't it can affect their health (not to mention relationships). The article I linked to above mentions that women sometimes use conversation to figure out how they're feeling, not just to convey something that they've already identified. This is important, because if you can't identify what you're feeling, you can't resolve it; and unresolved issues don't just disappear, although we might stop thinking about them.
Think about how stress can affect your body, especially after many years of it. (I'm thinking of an episode of Friends right now, where Phoebe works for Merrill Lynch and has two heart attacks because of the stress... remember?) Well, not identifying and expressing your feelings creates a lot of stress in your body, and even if you don't see any effects of it now, it can manifest itself physically later on in your life. Now this is the part where I really wish I could find that article, because it gave the results of a study that I would love to be able to quote more accurately. However, I will summarize and tell you that the study showed that women who didn't talk about their feelings were literally more likely to die than others who did. (By the way, if anyone knows what article I'm talking about and can tell me where to find it, I would love to have it again. I did many extensive Google searches that were, unfortunately, fruitless.)
You really shouldn't need studies telling you that you'll die if you don't give yourself the chance to talk about what you're feeling. I think that this is something we should all learn to do because we deserve to do it, to be able to express our thoughts and feelings. If you have really good girl friends, talk to them about you for a while. If you have a husband or boyfriend, make sure he understands how you communicate, and help him learn to listen to you in the way that you need to be listened to. If you don't have someone you feel comfortable being totally honest with, write in a journal or get a blog! You can be anonymous if you want, and writing a blog gives you a feeling of having talked to someone, because you know that anyone can read it. However you do it, make an effort to pay attention to your own feelings and learn to express them. It can help improve your relationships with loved ones, and you'll improve your emotional and physical health too.

Have I Told You Lately...

We decided to try a little something different with this post (because we love each other so much) and share the responsibility of writing it (because we both have a lot to say). So please enjoy this experiment in group posting from Miri and Lindsey.

M: One of the best things you can do for yourself and the people in your life is just to tell them that you love them. It's easy to assume that our loved ones know they are loved, but why let them assume? "I love you" is something you can never hear too much, and sometimes we don't hear it enough.

L: I totally agree. I come from a very open family and an expressive make-shift extended family (my mom's best friends and all of their children). We weren't even really related and yet we treated each other like siblings. We hugged and held hands and told each other "I love you" all the time. And that sounds really weird written out but I don't care, it was totally normal for us. I never felt like there was no one I could turn to because we all expressed our feelings about each other.

M: I always felt like my roommates in college were a second family because we were always telling each other we loved each other. In my own family we never said it much growing up, but somehow while I was away at school my siblings started saying it all the time, and I still haven't gotten used to it. Every time one of them says "I love you" before we hang up the phone or go home, it's a pleasant little surprise. I know they love me and I don't HAVE to be told that, but it is so nice to hear it anyway.

L: I felt that way too once I met Jamie and moved into the Glenwood. Before that, I only had a few friends that I met when I moved to Utah that I felt that comfortable with. It was a major shock to me to not have that open relationship with roommates and friends...and it made me incredibly homesick. I still remember someone commenting how strange it was that I ended phone calls with friends with "I love you." It seemed so natural to me. Now that my family and the friends we grew up with are having families of their own, I can really see the effect that kind of expression has on everyone.

M: I also think an environment like that is a really great one to raise kids in, because they learn to express their feelings and not hold them in all the time. Nothing drives us women crazy like men who won't open up emotionally, right? And it's not just men who need to be able to do that. It's just an important thing for people to learn to express their emotions and not be ashamed of them. It can really hinder relationships if you aren't able to do that.

L: Exactly. Although, being around my nephews all the time, I appreciate it so much more when they volunteer an "I love you" or a kiss or a cuddle because it's so unexpected for a three year old boy to just stop what he is doing to tell you he loves you. It makes me proud of myself and my family for teaching him that just through example.

P.S. Are we the only ones who walk around singing this song? Because I definitely sing it a lot.