Time to Rest

After creating the universe, all the stars, each grain of sand, the humpback whale and the soft-shell crab, even God tired and took a day off.

There's no argument that we humans, who at our best can only create opportunities and at our worst create havoc, need time to rest.

--Maya Angelou, Even the Stars Look Lonesome

People--women in particular--are sometimes pretty bad about giving themselves the breaks they need. We get caught up in all the things going on in our lives, all the responsibilities and to-do lists, and we start to think those things are more important than they are.

"I believe that should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying "wrong." Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don't think we need more wrongs in our life."  

--Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life

I don't think we do, either; most of us already have plenty. I think it's important to learn to focus less on what we think we should be doing, and more on what we need. It's like we're juggling, and each aspect of life is one of the balls; we think they're all made of glass that will shatter if we drop them, but really they're made of rubber (or at least some of them are). We think there are so many things we absolutely must do, but the number of things we really actually have to do is a lot smaller.

It's okay to have to let some things slide every now and then, to take a break when we need to, and to give ourselves a little time to rest. After all, God rested; and who are we to be above his method?

Conflict Avoidance ≠ Peace

Most people don’t like conflict; this is pretty much a fact of life. However, it is also a fact of life that no one can avoid it forever. Unless you are a mountain man living alone in nature, it is inevitable that at some points in your life you will butt heads with other human beings.

For the most part, trying to avoid conflict is a good thing. No one needs more drama in their lives, and it definitely isn’t healthy to seek out arguments with people. If you’re able to let go of the little things that irritate you, the ones that don’t really mean anything, you’ll be able to make your life much more peaceful.

But there are times when conflict avoidance is not the ultimate high road—when it is, in fact, the wrong road. No matter how much we hate to be involved in disagreements, the hard truth is that sometimes it is necessary. Communication is an essential aspect of relationships, and no relationship can be healthy when one person isn’t willing to acknowledge tension. To be healthy, not just as one half of a relationship but as a person, you simply must be able to express your feelings.

Sometimes people let others walk all over them because they don’t want to start an argument. Sometimes someone does something that really hurts us, but we don’t want to have a fight about it, so we keep silent. Sometimes we bite our tongues because we’re afraid of what will happen if we bring up the issue. These behaviors are incredibly unhealthy, and they lead to other unhealthy behaviors like gossiping and passive-aggressiveness (because everyone needs an outlet). 

When a person’s ultimate relationship goal is to never have conflicts, they are effectively giving other people total control over them. If you put yourself in a situation where, no matter what the other person does, you will not say anything about it, you are allowing that person to decide what happens in your life. This is a misuse of our personal freedom, and essentially puts you in an abusive relationship. We unquestioningly condemn physically abusive relationships, but I think that sometimes an emotionally abusive relationship is worse for the simple reason that you may not even know you’re in one.

Conflicts cannot be resolved unless they are talked through. You may think that you can just ignore something and forget about it, but the fact is that you probably haven’t forgotten about it by just pushing it away. All you’ve done is give yourself time to stew; the same issue will come up again later, and again and again, and each time it will cause you more emotional pain. If you want to overcome the problem, you need to address it.

Don’t let yourself be a victim in your relationships. If it becomes necessary to have an argument with someone, don’t think you’re doing anyone a favor by keeping silent and avoiding it. If you want to have healthy relationships with others and be at peace with yourself, you must learn to deal with conflicts. It’s a ridiculously hard thing to do—believe me, I know—but unfortunately it’s just a part of life, and it’s something we all must learn.

Feel Good

I came across this list while browsing one of my favorite blogs (Tangled and True). I love the idea of having a "feelgood list."


There are times when you just don't feel good. Times when depression or stress take away your ability to naturally do whatever it is that makes you feel good. You have to make a conscious effort to get up and get yourself ready for the day or to interact with people, to laugh and play, even to eat. Here is what the designer has to say about her reasons for creating this list:

Deep in the throes of postpartum depression, when it felt like I would never get better ever again, I made myself a list. The therapy was okay; my journal helped; my husband was great. But I needed to go at that thing with every possible weapon in the feel-good arsenal.

I read all the literature on depression; I researched neurochemistry as best I could. And then I sat down and listed every single thing I could think of that might help me feel better. Things my doctors had told me; things I knew about myself. I wrote them all down.

And then I started checking them off.

I never once got the whole thing checked off in a week, but working at it and seeing how much effort I was putting into my recovery made it start to feel like, well, recovery.

Now that I’m better I see that it’s not really a recovery list so much as a life list. It’s like my own best advice to myself. My own little reminder to be kind to myself, to make myself a priority, and to take time to stay healthy so that I don’t slide back down the dreaded, dreaded hill.

I just love that. As women, as mothers and daughters and sisters and friends, we all need a reminder to be more kind to ourselves, to take time for ourselves so we can continue to take care of the other people around us. Making a list is so simple it almost seems silly, and goodness knows I love a good list, but if that's what it takes to help pull you out of whatever it is that is dragging you down, then why not?

Keep Calm

I love this print. I'm know it's fairly popular and a lot of people love it, but I wanted to post it here anyway. I have a little red journal I carry in my purse with this print on the front. I keep it with me so I always have a place to write down thoughts for this blog because this blog is one of those things that reminds me to "keep calm and carry on."

Changes

I came across this article while perusing the internets, 30 Days to a Happier Life. It's a short guide (nine steps) taken from a book, The First 30 Days by author Ariane de Bonvoisin, that is meant to help you adapt better to change. In the article, de Bonvoisin says, "Change is the one constant in all our lives.... And learning to embrace it is the most valuable tool in helping you love your life more."

I hate change and I used to be very bad at dealing with it. I was never good at it when I was younger then there was a year in high school when things were constantly changing and a lot of hard stuff happened. Looking back, I think I pretended to be fine with things till I could no longer stand it then I just got angry. Because of that year, my mom still holds off as long as possible to deliver difficult news to me and she generally is the one to tell me, not my dad or sister, it has to come from her. I love that she is still protective of me like that, but I have long since learned how to deal with change and hard times in a healthier way.

Having shared that, it takes a lot of hard work. It takes constant reminders to be positive, to focus on an end goal, to look at the bigger picture. I like that this article and the nine steps outlined in it are all essentially saying that to deal with change, you must be optimistic. You have to think positively about yourself, your support system and your new situation, whatever it may be.

Personally, I really make an effort to be a more positive person and it's a tough thing. But, when all else fails, I look at the problem or the approaching change or even the lack of change when I know one is sorely needed and I tell myself that it's temporary. My entire life will not be defined by the events that happened during my 15th year or my 26th year. Change can be hard, but with the right attitude, it doesn't have to be.

Expectations

It's hard to keep yourself from having expectations. We expect things to happen and, for the most part, we even expect things to happen in a certain way. We anticipate an upcoming event and we create expectations for how that event will turn out.

Most of the time, for me at least, those expectations are pretty general. Thoughts like, "Everything will go well and run smoothly" and "I'm going to have a good time." Usually the general, wide spread expectations are more of a reassurance or a mantra to get me through whatever event is occurring. The problem I have with expectations is when it comes to personal relationships. Relationships with family, friends, potential boyfriends, co-workers, etc.

See, I am an over thinker. I think through every situation and all the possible outcomes before I ever reach the situation (that is, whenever I have the opportunity to do so). I talk things out with other people to try to figure out if my expectations are realistic or not, but there are always those little hopes and fears that sneak in and can quickly turn realistic expectations around. I really hate that I do that. I always think that my life would be so much easier if I just stopped over thinking things, not if I stopped expecting things to go one way or another, but if I just stopped thinking about those expectations until they became so drastically different from the possible real life outcome.

I guess my point is that we should expect good things, but expect them to come in their normal, everyday packages. Expectations can be exciting and can be the thing you need to give you that boost to do something daring, but building up unrealistic expectations can leave you dissatisfied with the good things that are real.

I Might As Well Be Comfortable.

Have any of you seen this episode of Seinfeld?



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0Hbu4Z4pGI

Yeah. I'm pretty sure I think of this every single time I wear sweatpants or pajama bottoms outside of my house. Also, I'm confessing to the internets that I am a person who wears sweatpants or pajama bottoms outside of my house. At least now I make sure they match whatever shirt I'm wearing.

The thing is, I have felt like this a lot lately. Maybe it's the cold, rainy days or because I had a cold or whatever, the reason doesn't really matter. I've been wanting to lounge around. I wear yoga pants to work most of the week and I justify it by saying it's okay because I'm a nanny and yoga pants are so much easier, but it really is just a justification. I need to suck it up and wear real clothes.

The good part is that, outside of work, I have been ignoring my desire to lounge and have instead been going and doing things. I've been getting ready and going out and telling myself I look cute (even when I severely doubt my own judgment) and it's been fun. Crazy how that works, huh?

I guess I tend to let myself forget about the message I'm sending out to the world with my appearance. Wearing sweatpants is kind of like telling everyone you've given up on life...either that or you are just too stinking tired to worry about putting on a pair of jeans and a cute shirt. When you do put that time into how you look, though, it helps. People will be able to see how you feel about yourself and will treat you in kind.

Of course, this probably still won't keep me from wearing my yoga pants to work, but I'm okay with that.

Saturday Snapshot: Work It

(brought to you by Unrelated Captions)

Guest Post: Lexie

Lexie is from Lindsey's home town (well, county) so that automatically makes her awesome. She has other awesome traits though, so don't worry. Right now she is living in Utah and working on her Master's Degree in Family Therapy. She loves everything about China (could I say that in a weirder way? I think not). She lived in China while she taught ESL and served a mission for our church in Taiwan. She is also a talented artist... she even does caricatures!


It’s Friday night. The weekend is here and your plans are up in the air. Your best guy friend texts you, asking what’s going on tonight. As the evening settles in, you find yourself hanging out with friends watching a movie you really are not in the mood for, or at a dance party (and you really don’t like to dance).

Does this ever happen to you? Does it sound like your every weekend? I present this scenario from personal experience--in fact, from weekends of personal experience.

Until now.

I have a belated New Year’s resolution. It dawned on me this past week. I was sick with a cold, following a pack of friends down Center Street, looking for a place to eat. I wasn’t even hungry. All I really wanted was to be at home in my pjs, watching something sappy like Pride and Prejudice and pampering my cold. But, obviously, there was something significantly appealing about this sad alternative that found me cold and meandering up and down Center Street… Yes, a guy.

On this walk, I took note of the couples that also walked hand in hand along Center Street. Watching them enter and exit the quaint ethnic restaurants or hidden community theaters. And that feeling hit--you know the one. I really want a boyfriend. I want him to know how I love China and take me to this perfect Chinese place that he heard about on Center Street, one I’ve never been to. But I don't have that. Instead, here I am: Cold. Sick. “Hanging out” with a guy who is clueless.

I’m really putting myself out here for you, readers. At this point in the story, I probably sound sad and pathetic. But I do this because I know I am not the only girl who finds herself in this situation. I don’t know what inspired me, but my thoughts took a positive turn.

Yes, I want to date. But while thinking about this, my mind did a short mental review of my dateless existence. So the question became, am I going to have a pity party with myself, or am I going to do something about it?

The answer is... I will date. Every week. I will take myself on dates!

I haven’t gone crazy, I promise. The solution I came up with is exactly what I read on this blog all the time: Pamper yourself. Enjoy yourself. Be yourself. Take yourself (and possibly a friend, because going solo to a restaurant is a little daunting even with this newfound self-assertiveness) to that Chinese place you know you’ll love. Or to the movie or play you’ve been dying to see. Or maybe stay in and try out a new recipe, because cooking is fun. I guarantee these dates with yourself will be more satisfying and fulfilling than the alternative. And, I suspect that a girl who is comfortable with herself and has fun with herself will seem more comfortable and fun to others. This may even lead to real dates--but that is not the point. The point is to be happy with you. Right now. The way things are.

A heads up: I don’t imagine it will always be easy. Like I said, “hanging out,” especially with someone you really like, will be tempting. Just don’t ditch yourself to do something that is less satisfying and fulfilling. If he isn’t asking you out, then ask yourself out. You deserve better. ;)

Those Days

Do you ever have days when you just feel off? When, try as you might, everything you do feels wrong? Not that things necessarily go wrong or anything truly bad or frustrating happens, but you are frustrated simply because you don't feel like yourself?

I have those days. I HATE those days. I could eat whole pints of Ben and Jerry's on those days.

To me, it's like whatever it is inside me that makes me who I truly am has taken a vacation without giving any notice. If I was a cartoon, there would be a picture of the inside of my head with one of these:
Unfortunately, I am not a cartoon. There will be no solution presented to me after the break and no happy ending in 30 minutes. There will be no white knight arriving at my door to rescue me from my truly disfunctional day, completely disregarding my severe lack of shower and makeup.

All I can do on those days is hope and pray I can keep it together until bedtime and continue to hope and pray that tomorrow, I will be me again.... and probably eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's.

But then there are those days when you couldn't be more happy with yourself. Where you can conquer the world. Laundry not only gets cleaned, but folded AND put away! Dishes are done and real-life, healthy meals are made. It's like the sun shines down on you alone and birds sing your praises and everyone is your best friend. And poor Ben and Jerry are eschewed with a firm hand, never to be heard from again.

I have those days. I LOVE those days.

The trouble comes in trying to find where the difference lies. Is it attitude? I don't think it is, because you can try and try to be happy no matter what during an off day and it just doesn't change things. They are different from bad days. Is it some outside influence? I would also have to say no to that. I think it really is just a need for opposition. You can't have the good days without having the bad days. You can't be "on" if you are never "off."

So maybe it's all about embracing those off days, as uncomfortable and frustrating as that may be. Allow yourself to take a break mentally and physically. Try not to focus on how your inner self is probably off lying on a beach in the sun somewhere. Lay down and take a nap with your kids. Read them a book. Read a book for you. Watch some TV and eat some Ben and Jerry's. Let the laundry and the dishes wait. Eat cold cereal for dinner (your children will think you are awesome, I promise). Embrace the off days and maybe they will be fewer and further between and you'll actually have more time to just be yourself.

Say Yes

So I was working on various things on a Friday afternoon, and I wanted something brainless to have on the TV while I was working on them. For better or for worse, I ended up seeing bits and pieces of about four straight hours of Say Yes to the Dress in the Friday afternoon lineup on TLC. It was . . . informative. (It is, after all, The Learning Channel.)
The basic premise of the show is that there are all of these consultants that work in a ritzy wedding dress store, and they try to close sales with various brides who come in to find their dream dresses. Some people know exactly what they want, some people have no idea, some people don't think they can spend as much money as their dream dress costs, and some bring their 18 children to help them pick out the dress. (Oh TLC and their crazy crossovers.)
Besides learning that there are a whole lot of ugly wedding dresses out there and that there are people who spend more money on their wedding dress than I intend to spend on my entire wedding, I learned a few things that I think are actually pretty applicable to decision-making in every day life. Scoff if you will, but here's what I came up with.

Five Things I Learned About Decision-Making from Say Yes to the Dress

1. It's really hard to make a decision that will make you happy when you're trying to please everyone. The most ridiculous drama on the show always comes when everyone has an opinion and the bride wants to please everyone, and I think the same is true in life. It just can't be done. Although your family and friends can have input in your decisions -- and it's often helpful input -- there comes a point in most decisions where it's down to you.
2. You can't always get what you want. It's always the people who know exactly what they want who have a hard time being satisfied with what actually exists. If you go into a situation knowing exactly how you want it to pan out and then find out that the perfect choice doesn't exist in reality, it's much more difficult to arrive at a satisfactory conclusion. (I learned this lesson the hard way, by trying to force my life into the shape I wanted. And then I realized it wasn't working and moved to Indiana.)
3. It's easier if you have some idea about what you want. Some people on the show don't know what they want at all, and they end up being tugged around by their families or bridesmaids or consultants, but they say things like, "This just isn't me." Having some idea about what you want is important for making a good decision, even if you end up with something completely different. In real life (but not so much with wedding dresses), I'd say this goes back to knowing who you are at your core.
4. Eventually, you have to commit to a decision. There's always going to be something else out there. Sometimes you just have to decide that amazing is going to be good enough and trust that you won't be disappointed that you didn't go with a different decision later. It's not settling -- it's just recognizing that you can't do or have everything. I always get a kick out of it when they compare choosing the dress to choosing the guy, but in a way it's the same principle. Eventually you just say, "This will make me happy. It may not be the only thing that could make me happy, but I can only have one, and I choose this one." If you don't ever get to that point, you end up naked or alone. :)
5. Sometimes, the thing that seemed perfect when you made the decision doesn't fit later. Lots of people come back months later for a fitting, and they panic because the dress isn't what they remembered or it no longer fits because they lost or gained weight. That's when you have to make alterations or switch to a different one. Just because it was the right decision at the time doesn't always mean it's going to be your only decision. (Okay, this is generally not as true of wedding dresses and husbands, but you can apply it to other decisions. It's harder to trade in wedding dresses and husbands than apartments or majors.) When it doesn't fit anymore, you either adjust until you can make it work, or you move on. I sometimes get in a mindset that says, "This is what I'm doing and I will always be doing it because it was such a good decision when I made it." But then it gets stale and I can't stick with it anymore. I felt like I needed to live in Provo after I graduated, but after living there for another year, I didn't feel that way anymore. (And again, there was Indiana.)

I was amazed with how much this absurd little microcosm of reality TV revealed about the way I make decisions -- not to mention the way it revealed why some decisions are more successful than others. The people who were the happiest in the end were the people who were flexible, but who trusted themselves and knew when they had reached a decision they could love. I think we could all learn from that.

Guest Post: Bite Me

Today we've got a special guest post in honor of a certain movie release. Julie sent us this post yesterday and since we can all get behind the romance and the ridiculousness, we are delighted to present it here. Go crazy.

I am 29. In one month I will be 30. My bestest girl friend just turned 29 and is freaking out a little about this. Our lives are ruled by responsibility and repetition. We are feeling a little down about this. We have both been married 9 years, and are stay at home moms raising our children. At this stage of motherhood, the only way to shake things up is to get involved in something and feel a sense of accomplishment. Some join the PTA, others a book club; many get a part-time job just to get out of the house. But what about stirring up those emotions we felt when we were young? This good friend of mine actually told me we needed to ask a single 21 year old what she does for fun. Yes, we are that pathetic.

I read a comment on Facebook by a friend who was totally annoyed by all this New Moon hype. I had similar feelings about the Twilight movie release (I was still a little in denial). But this time I feel differently. What makes grown women attend a midnight showing of a movie geared toward teenage girls? What makes them wear t-shirts proudly announcing “Bite me Edward”? I will tell you what. It is fun. It is not because I am obsessed over the characters. It is because of the emotions it stirs up inside of me. I WANT my heart to race over something other than being late for carpool. And I can relate to the themes in the books.

Twilight: Falling in love; a forbidden love.
New Moon: Being dumped; loving two men.
Eclipse: Choosing between two lovers; cheating on your boyfriend with fiery hot kisses.
Breaking Dawn: Getting married, going on a honeymoon; pregnancy, childbirth; fighting to keep your family.

I have experienced ALL of these events, and let me tell you, it is sure fun to live them over again. To feel all these complicated and deep emotions through a book is awesome! I love escaping my responsible life to feel like a young desirable girl again. Is that wrong? I don't think so. It tells us something that almost every movie theater across the U.S. is sold out for opening day weeks in advance.

You know what a single 21 year old does for fun? She screams over hot boys on the covers of magazines, dreams about kissing the sexiest man alive, and goes to midnight premiers of movies. She doesn’t worry about the 5 am feeding of her 6 month old baby, or packing her kid’s lunch for school. She throws that all to the wind and giggles in the theater with her girlfriends while waiting for the show to start. And that is what I am going to do. This is how I feel alive: I embrace silly experiences to feel young again.

Special thanks to Lindsay Heinzen of Penguin Stands Alone for not being too mad at us that we didn't originally know where the awesome Edward/Jacob picture (above) came from. It's her lovely/hilarious work. We love it and you should all shower praise on her head. Thanks Lindsay!

Be Free

There is something so nice about having free time, just fifteen minutes where you are free to do whatever you like without the worries of housework, homework, work work, etc. Time where you can actually take a break and breathe and let your mind rest...and I'm not talking about sleeping. Sleeping is still something you HAVE to do. I really enjoy those moments...those "turn off your mind" moments and yet, I still don't take advantage of them like I should.

I tend to guilt myself out of those moments. There are dishes to do and toys to pick up and work to be done. Sometimes, though, those moments catch me and I love them for it. I get online to be productive and I end up having an enjoyable conversation with a friend instead (productive, but in a different way). I plan on using nap time to fold laundry or get a head start on dinner and I end up taking a nap myself or getting caught up in whatever book I'm reading at the time. Later, I scramble or I just go with the flow, but that time to myself was the best thing I could do for me and whoever else I'm spending time with (usually my nephews).

I definitely am the type of person who puts everyone else first. This can be a good thing, but I have come to consider it a flaw in a lot of ways. I can run myself ragged doing all sorts of things for all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons because I genuinely enjoy being able to help and serve the people around me. Then, when I get a chance for some free time, I struggle to actually enjoy myself and to use that time for myself and that can take its toll.

Sometimes we just get so caught up in taking care of other people, we forget to take time for ourselves. We take care of our friends and children and family members and at the end of the day we realize we haven't taken any time to think. Sometimes I realize I haven't taken the time to shower or put on clothes I would wear out in public or, you know, eat. I know I'm not alone in this.

So don't guilt yourself out of free time and remember that it is okay to say no to some things simply because you want to (this should be my mantra). Take some time for yourself to "be free." Free of schedules and obligations that take you away from your home and your family and yourself, whether that means a ten minute phone conversation with a friend (just to make sure you're both still kickin') or a two minute breather on the front porch.