The Silent Thief: Motherhood, Depression, and Finding Myself

Today's blogger prefers to remain anonymous. 

When I had my son, 3 years ago, he was sick and early and had to stay at the hospital for a while. It was HORRIBLE, but as soon as he was home we easily got into a groove and life was perfect.

While I was pregnant with my daughter, I was really sick and uncomfortable.  So when she was born I hoped and prayed that things would get back to normal.  Happy, crazy, busy, fun, and normal.  But it didn't.  I figured it was just the stress of two kids, or that I was tired, or my husband was gone too much, or whatever.  After months and months, it didn't get better.  I just kind of adjusted. I figured motherhood with two children was just that hard.  I thought, "There is no way I could EVER have more. This is too much!"  I never had energy to do anything, I couldn't handle going anywhere without my husband, and we never left our apartment.

Finally, just before my daughters first birthday, I recognized that I was not okay, that something had to be fixed. I talked to my wonderful husband, we called the employee support line, and they referred me to a therapist.  It took me a few weeks to call her and then I almost chickened out of the appointment.  When I finally went, she was late.  I got in the car and almost drove away,  but I somehow got the courage to go back in.

And it was great.  She let me talk, I cried, she understood, and she told me I was depressed. I thought "No, I am not depressed, have you seen my kids? And have you met my husband? I have NOTHING to be depressed about!" So we discussed what depression really is, and I learned that you can have a perfectly happy life, and still be depressed. Chemical imbalances in your brain cause you to not be you, to be angry and sad and stressed all the time.  I learned that depression is a real medical condition and it was very humbling for me.  I was of the "you can handle it, just work through it, depression isn't that bad, or really real" school of thought. I was so wrong.

At first she thought it was my thyroid, which had been diagnosed as being under-productive a few years earlier.  I went to an endocrinologist and he told me my thyroid was fine.  I had been misdiagnosed.  I had been taking meds for years for something that wasn't wrong.  I stopped taking them, and felt a little better.  But it still wasn't right. The endocrinologist referred me to a psychiatrist, and I called after a few weeks.  They were so busy they couldn't see me for 3 months. I told them not to worry about it.  I then waited another week, and looked up a different one.  I called pretty quickly, and they said they could see me the next week.

I was very nervous to say the least.  I had been finding ways to put off dealing with it every way I could. I felt so weak, and like I was at fault. I worried that my husband would think he didn't make me happy. I worried that I must be the worst mother ever because I didn't find enough joy in my children.  I worried that I would go and they would say to me "It's all in your head, grow up,  you're fine you big whiner."  I went and he was the nicest guy.  He knew how I felt before I could even explain it.

Apparently, I had a classic text book version of depression.  There are 3 kinds of depression. Mine was chemical rather than situational.  I agreed to try taking medication and went home. I took it for 4 days and I noticed a HUGE difference. For the first time in a year I felt like a real person again. It was bright outside again, I wanted to play with my children.  You know the movie Tangled?  She sings  "And at last I see the light, and it's like a fog has lifted." (You just sang that, didn't you?)  As cheesy and rehearsed as that sounds, it was exactly how I felt.  I couldn't believe it.  It wasn't a magic cure-all and I have still had to deal with my emotions, but it was great.

My doctor told me I had undiagnosed Postpartum depression that had just gotten worse and worse. He said that PPD is often referred to as the "silent thief of motherhood joy" (or any joy, really)  and that so many women suffer from it, but never know or seek help. So many women are missing out on the wonderful happiness that you can feel when your body is working the way it was intended to work.  It's really scary for me to share this story, because it's SO very easy to think, "I am so weak, I should be better/stronger/bigger than this."  I am working through that, and I do believe there is a medical cause for it, but it's so easy to slip into that.

To the thoughts of insecurity and not being good enough. It's the easiest thing to listen to someone who doesn't think depression is real, and to feel like less than a whole person for being so weak. I have learned that depression is a real condition, and it can be helped, just like any other illness. It is very real.  It is not just in your head. You are not alone if you are depressed, it is something so many people struggle with. Don't suffer alone.  It's not your fault.  It can be better.

It is scary and hard to admit a weakness.  Everyone feels that. No one likes to admit that they are weak at something, that they are less than they want to be in some way.  But you need to know that any problem or illness you have can be dealt with. For me it was depression and I had to find my path to treatment and ultimately working through it and being happy again.  No matter what it is you are going through, you are never alone.  Sometimes the hardest thing to do is ask for help.  But it makes all
the difference. If you have no strength left, find enough to ask someone else for help. Let them help you, let them give you some strength, you can do it. You can be happy again. I am.

Historical Fiction about Girls

I hope you noticed that I said about girls, not for girls. Some of these books will be more universally appealing than others—Number the Stars, The Green Glass Sea, The Book Thief, and The Ruby in the Smoke, especially—but I personally know boys who have appreciated all of them, and the same is true for adults (YA is not just for teens!). Four of them are books I loved as a child, and still love as an adult; the rest are books I read for the first time as an adult, and I enthusiastically recommend them all.

The Hope Chest, by Karen Schwabach

I've been so excited about this book ever since I started it, because it's the only junior or YA fiction I've ever seen that tells the story of the suffrage movement, and from the inside. It's written from the perspective of two young girls, Violet and Myrtle, who run away to join Violet's older sister in fighting for suffrage. Such a thrilling and well-written story (and if the title turns you off, let me tell you that I felt the same way and don't worry—it's much more interesting than it sounds).

Number the Stars, by Lois Lowry

This has been one of my favorite books ever since I can remember. I have always loved fiction about World War II, and it takes place in Denmark, which is an uncommon setting for American children's books. It's a short book, and the action is quick and exciting.

I Capture the Castle, by Dodie Smith

For me, this entire book was lovely, but I've also heard that it took some people a little while to get hooked, so just make sure you give it a good chance. Fans of Downton Abbey, especially, should appreciate it for the romantic atmosphere; it's set in early-1900s England, narrated by seventeen-year-old Cassandra, who lives with her family in a dilapidated old castle. Her father is a struggling writer, her stepmother communes with nature, and her new neighbors/landlords are rich Americans with two unmarried sons. The recommendation writes itself.

The Green Glass Sea, by Ellen Klages

The premise for this book is fascinating and unique—eleven-year-old Dewey goes to live with her father in Los Alamos, where he is working on the Manhattan Project. I just loved the setting, and the characters and story are likable and engaging. It was really lovely to read about a girl with an aptitude for science.

The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak

I feel like you have to have been living under a rock to have missed at least hearing about this book. It's about a German girl named Liesel, who steals books and lives with a foster family in Munich during World War II. And it's narrated by Death. I think I just told you everything you need to know.

Catherine, Called Birdy, by Karen Cushman

Karen Cushman is a really fantastic and popular writer of historical fiction, for good reason. This is my favorite of her books, about a girl in thirteenth-century England whose greedy father is trying to marry her off to one of several horrible suitors. She's smart and independent, and I liked her more than enough to overcome my annoyance with the phrase "corpus bones."

Daughter of the Mountains, by Louise Rankin

I've loved this book since about third grade, and I was absolutely giddy when I mentioned it to a sixth-grade boy at the Orem library, spent about three seconds describing it, and he grabbed it saying it sounded interesting. It is! It really is.

Island of the Blue Dolphins, by Scott O'Dell

I liked this as a kid, too, but it wasn't until I reread it last year that I learned it was based on a true story. Historically fascinating, and the kind of book that sounds like it should be boring—person stranded alone on an island for several years? What would they do all the time?—but is absolutely not. 

Mara, Daughter of the Nile, by Eloise Jarvis McGraw

There are a few books that have been passed around my family, read by my parents, my teenage brothers, and me, and loved by everyone. This was one of the first; it was part of the curriculum when my brothers were homeschooled, and they loved it so much they made everyone else read it, too. 

The Ruby in the Smoke, by Philip Pullman

This book sat on my sister Talia's bookshelf for most of our teen years, and for some reason I formed an unfavorable opinion of it based on the cover, without ever having picked it up. When I did decide to read it one day, I had to laugh at myself, because it is an excellent, really engaging mystery (and I don't even especially care for mysteries). There are three sequels, but unfortunately I thought each one diminished in quality, so if you want my recommendation I would say just stop after the first.

Anne of Green Gables, by L.M. Montgomery

I read this a few years ago for the first time, but I saw the Megan Follows movie when I was younger, and the book is just as much fun to read as the movie is to watch. I think Megan Follows is brilliant as Anne, but that wonderful personality comes across just as well through the text, and if you made it to adulthood without having read it (like I did), you really should remedy that soon.

The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett

Honestly, I feel like any book that was written before 1920 but still appeals to kids (in its original, unabridged form) is worth checking out. I was a voracious but impatient reader, and I loved this book. What child (or adult) doesn't love the idea of a secret place all their own?

To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee

Obviously. Scout Finch is smart, good-hearted, and independent. She's a great character and an excellent narrator for a brilliant book.

Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott

I loved this book when my parents gave it to me for my twelfth birthday. I grew up watching the Katharine Hepburn movie, and I have always loved this story. It's quiet and comforting to me, driven not just by the relationships between the sisters, but by each sister's personal journey of discovery. They have such lovely relationships, and the characters are just imperfect enough to be beautiful instead of annoying (probably because they were based on Alcott's own family).

Caddie Woodlawn, by Carol Ryrie Brink
Having, as I do, a complete and utter lack of interest in stories about the American West, it took me 28 years to finally pick up this book even though I've been hearing about it basically my whole life. I now know that it is for good reason. Caddie is a delightful character, and the story moves quickly enough that even if you are like me and don't care for pioneer stories, you'll enjoy this.

The Wild Girls, by Pat Murphy
Historical fiction is supposed to take place at least fifty years in the past, and The Wild Girls  is set in the 1970s so it doesn't technically count. It's such a great book, though, and it definitely does have the feel of a different decade, so I decided to include it anyway. The characters are lovable and the book handles serious issues well—neither too heavy nor too lighthearted in its treatment of them, and just right for the age group.

Classical Hipsters, Readers, Body Language and more

Happy Friday! Behold, a beautiful array of things that I love around the internet to kick off your weekend.

Because it makes me laugh, this ridiculous collection of pictures of classical sculptures dressed as hipsters: http://todayilearned.co.uk/2013/06/13/classical-sculptures-dressed-as-hipsters-look-contemporary-and-totally-badass/

A lovely story about a dad who read to his daughter every day for nine years:  which made me feel better after reading this article, which kind of depressed me (but maybe that's just because I freaking love kids books and having my 13 month old bring me one and climb into my lap so I'll read it to her.)

This is great advice about talking to your daughter about her body.

And here is a great one about the way women think about their post-baby bodies, and why on earth everyone acts like it should all be back to normal immediately - or ever.

In case you haven't seen it yet, this is an awesome video of Dustin Hoffman talking about how his experience playing a woman in Tootsie changed the way he feels about women.

I really love this blog post about being sensitive when you ask people when they are having kids. It's a good reminder that you just don't know what's going on in someone's life, and that decision is incredibly personal (and probably none of your business).

I think these Where I Have Loved You Canvases are adorable, and you could totally make it just Where I Have Lived if you didn't want to be all mushy. (I love you, Debra!)

This Oatmeal Cookie and Salted Caramel Cinnamon Ice Cream looks divine, doesn't it? I want to eat it right now. (Anyone want to come over and make it for me? No? Shoot.)

This is a beautiful article about letting our children help us learn how to slow down and enjoy life.

A Narrowing Path

I've been reading a fantasy series by Ursula K. Le Guin, and a quote in A Wizard of Earthsea clarified something I've been thinking about. The reference to a mage in the quote must be taken in the context of a wizarding world.

"You thought, as a boy, that a mage is one who can do anything. So I thought, once. So did we all. And the truth is that a man's real power grows and his knowledge widens, ever the way he can follow grows narrower: until at last he chooses nothing, but does only and wholly what he must do...."

I believe every child has wanted to be an adult at one point because then they could do anything they wanted anytime they wanted, or so they thought. While there is some truth to that wishful thinking, there is a lot of truth to the above quote.

Honestly, if we didn't have to have a job and work, how many of us would? Not many. Or we would just work a little here and there. How many of us would go to bed at a decent hour, mop the floor, and weed the yard if we didn't have to? Not many. We would do it sometimes but probably not enough.

A child's concept of adult life is like a Peter Pan Never Land imaging. When you're an adult you can go to any restaurant you want any time. You can watch whatever you want. You get to tell other people what to do. Nobody makes you eat your vegetables. Nobody makes you do homework.

As children turn into teenagers, they test their new found freedoms with mixed results and learn from experience. They learn to be responsible, hopefully, and a good contributor to society.

As teens turn into adults, they learn that technically they have the ability to choose to do whatever they want, but there are consequences to all choices and making the right choices, though potentially boring, seems to be the best way.

Many people find rules, laws, religion, regulations, demands, and instructions to be prohibiting of the free lifestyle their inner child still craves. In truth, like the quote, those rules show a path where one must go and do if they want to achieve true happiness and peace.

There are as many variations of this path as there are people, but there is still just a narrow road that leads to true happiness versus temporary indulgence and amusement.

Regardless of any laws, commandments, and rules, can I stay up all night tonight while drinking and having unprotected sex with strangers and throwing rocks through windows? Yes, I can. Yes, you can. Yes, anyone can do that. Can I do that without any negative consequences? Absolutely not.

Any person at any moment can choose to do bad or good, but most choose to do good because they have learned that all choices have consequences. So can I go do drugs tonight to relax my mind after a long week? Yes, but more importantly, will I? No, because I don't like the consequences associated with it.

Can I go to bed at a decent hour after eating vegetables with my dinner tonight? Yes, but more importantly, will I? Hopefully, because I do like the consequences associated with it.

Yes, we all have the power to make infinite choices of good and bad at all times, but we stick to the narrow path, not because someone told us to, but because we know it leads to true happiness, which is always worth having.

Thoughts on Being a Stay At Home Mama

I wanted to write down some of my thoughts on being a stay at home mom. This week we had a bit of a financial hiccup and I sort of had to make the decision all over again about whether I wanted to continue staying at home. Before I say anything I just want to add that there are a lot of ways that women choose to balance work and family based on their own individual needs- my situation may be different than another woman's situation and therefore my choice is different. I don't mommy judge anyone, nor do I think there is one right way to raise your family. But here are my personal experiences-

When I was 19 I worked full time and went to school full time, I only had time to eat one meal a day, I usually got home from work around 11 pm, then had to study, then had to be up at 7 am for class. I thought I had the most exhausting life... Then my aunt and uncle went out of town and I spent a week with 3 kids ages 3, 4, and 5. Making meals, getting people ready for school, bed time, bath time, and every meal a blood bath over who got to drink out of the hello kitty cup. Every morning after school drop off I drove to 711 to get myself an industrial size Red Bull and cry quietly in the parking lot. My dumb 19 year old self had NO idea what true exhaustion was.

So my days haven't quite culminated in that yet! No toddlers and just the one kid is much more manageable but like that week, these last five months have been the most exhausting of my life. I was originally planning on returning to work part time, and I did- for a grand total of three days. I was working from home, waving a toy at Cooper's face with one hand while trying to type with the other hand and I glanced over at him and realized he had just smiled for the very first time and I missed it. I quit on the spot. In three seconds I made a major life decision (which weirdly is how I make all of my major decisions, I really need to start some pro's and con's lists or something...)

To me working was easy, I had one job and I was good at that one thing, it gave me validation to accomplish tangible things. Now as a stay at home mom I feel like there are a million jobs I have to be good at. And sadly I really suck at a lot of them. For some reason I feel like the actual motherhood part of it is very small and that I need to be a professional seamstress, an interior designer, a gourmet chef, an amazing crafter! Suddenly there are a lot more things to fail at, and a vast amount of people that are just really a lot better at those things than I am. Most days I go to sleep feeling like I failed at everything. And when I don't fail, there's no positive affirmation, no tangible things to show for my day, my to-do list is usually longer than the one I started the morning with...

A few days ago we recieved some new information about our hospital bills that would make our tight budget even tighter. For a few days I toyed around with the idea of working part time, I looked around, I set up an interview and then I really gave my situation a second thought. Being a mom is exhausting, it is a job that never ends, and most of the time it makes me feel super inadequate. But it also makes me see the bigger picture. It makes me see that if we can cover our expenses with me staying at home, it doesn't matter if I can't buy a bunch of fun things for myself. Spending time with Cooper doesn't even register on the same playing field as replacing all my dishes with fiesta ware. I don't need to spend my weekends going out to eat, shopping, and seeing movies anymore, they're all experiences Cooper renders absolutely miserable anyway. I don't need to go on vacations where I sit on an exotic beach somewhere with my husband, I can go on a road trip for Cooper to see his grandparents.

So this week has taught me to be grateful for my budget, to be grateful I had to say no to going and getting a pedicure because that means that every morning I get to wake up to a little man who usually has all four appendages stuck in his crib bars and needs someone to help get him out. It means I get to spend all day playing and tickling and reading stories and singing songs. It means I am there to see the first time Cooper realizes he has feet. It means I have time to really get to know my boy and be the only person that knows things like Cooper's thighs are really tickelish and that he loves to stare at the microwave. And if I have to paint my own toenails to do all that then it's actually a really easy choice to make.