On How to be Lovely

What's Going On?

2011-09-22T09:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Lovely Readers,

We just wanted to let you know that we still love you. We're still here for you. We all just kind of ran out of things to say every week, so at the moment we're on a (hopefully) temporary hiatus.

Lin and I were barely blogging at all for a couple of months in there, and although Miri's blog has continued going strong, she has taken some periodic internet fasts to regroup. We don't know why we all suddenly ran out of blog steam (especially at the same time), but we kind of did. It may have had something to do with the number of blogs we were trying to maintain.

We've been working our way back up. I've been starting to post more regularly on my blog since summer ended. Miri's written several posts as part of an amazing philosophy series on her blog. Lin is blogging some and also making amazing Star Wars knit hats for her nephews. We're all still trying to live lovely lives, and we feel pretty confident that at some point in the near future, we'll start wanting to write about them again here.

In the mean time, if you'd like to submit any stories, we'd be happy to post them. Check us out on our blogs if you just miss the melodious flow of our musings.

Stay lovely.

“The earth is what we all have in common.”

2011-04-22T20:33:00.010-04:00

Happy Earth Day, lovely readers!

Don't feel bad if you didn't get to do anything awesome like plant a tree or recycle your car; every day is Earth Day, and every day is your new chance! There are a million trillion ways to start taking care of the environment, and some of them are easy. (Some others aren't, it's true--but losing natural resources because we didn't take care of them isn't any easier! Just think of it that way. :) )

I didn't get to do anything epic today, either, but I did see a woman at the Barnes and Noble Starbucks getting her coffee in a mug she brought from home, and that made me pretty happy. All I did was my usual--skipping the plastic bag when I stopped at Target, picking up a little trash here and there, and putting a cardboard box in the recycle bin instead of the trash.

Here are some great lists of really simple ways to do your part:

Time to Rest

2011-04-21T09:37:00.001-04:00

After creating the universe, all the stars, each grain of sand, the humpback whale and the soft-shell crab, even God tired and took a day off.

There's no argument that we humans, who at our best can only create opportunities and at our worst create havoc, need time to rest.

--Maya Angelou, Even the Stars Look Lonesome

People--women in particular--are sometimes pretty bad about giving themselves the breaks they need. We get caught up in all the things going on in our lives, all the responsibilities and to-do lists, and we start to think those things are more important than they are.

"I believe that should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying "wrong." Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don't think we need more wrongs in our life."

--Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life

I don't think we do, either; most of us already have plenty. I think it's important to learn to focus less on what we think we should be doing, and more on what we need. It's like we're juggling, and each aspect of life is one of the balls; we think they're all made of glass that will shatter if we drop them, but really they're made of rubber (or at least some of them are). We think there are so many things we absolutely must do, but the number of things we really actually have to do is a lot smaller.

It's okay to have to let some things slide every now and then, to take a break when we need to, and to give ourselves a little time to rest. After all, God rested; and who are we to be above his method?

Boxes for Ishinomaki

2011-04-20T10:17:00.002-04:00

My friend Nicole, who was featured on this blog not too long ago, has been working on a pretty awesome project lately. It is starting to get some notice in the local news, and I felt like it would be good to spread the word.

Basically, Nicole has a friend at church from Japan. Nicole and her family set a goal to get 20 boxes prepared and sent to that friend's home town. Supplies, toys, anything extra you have around your house that could help families in Ishinomaki. Well, 20 boxes has turned into hundreds of boxes being sent. It's such an amazing thing.

Here's a video of her TV interview:

Check out Nicole's blog for more information or if you would like to follow the success of the project. Nicole posts photos and updates as they come in. There's even a post about the postman who gets to deliver all the packages, which must be an experience in and of itself. You can add a button to your blog or follow her Flickr page for updates and maybe even send a box yourself. What a fantastic (and easy) way to help people who really need it.

If you would like to send a box and would like more information, please leave a comment with us and I will do what I can to get the information to you. Also, see Nicole's blog, The Sleepy Time Gal, for information and links. She also has a Facebook page that she updates regularly, including lists of supplies that are needed in Ishinomaki.

Parents, don't dress your girls like tramps

2011-04-19T13:45:00.000-04:00

I just read this article at CNN.com about sexy clothes for little girls, specifically about Abercrombie and Fitch selling push-up bras for girls who should be too young to have anything to push up. Here's an excerpt:

What kind of PowerPoint presentation was shown to the Abercrombie executives that persuaded them to green light such a product?

That there was a demand to make little girls hot?

I mean, that is the purpose of a push-up bra, right? To enhance sex appeal by lifting up, pushing together and basically showcasing the wearer's breasts. Now, thanks to AF Kids, girls don't have to wait until high school to feel self-conscious about their, uhm, girls. They can start almost as soon as they're potty trained. Maybe this fall the retailer should consider keeping a plastic surgeon on site for free consultations.

It goes on to talk about the fact that Abercrombie would never make such a product if they didn't think someone would buy it - and little girls don't have cars or jobs or money.

I guess I've been out-of-the-loop and didn't realize there's been an ongoing stampede of 10-year-old girls driving to the mall with their tiny fists full of cash demanding sexier apparel.

What's that you say? Ten-year-olds can't drive? They don't have money, either? Well, how else are they getting ahold of these push-up bras and whore-friendly panties?

Their parents?

Noooo, couldn't be.

What adult who wants a daughter to grow up with high self-esteem would even consider purchasing such items? What parent is looking at their sweet, little girl thinking, "She would be perfect if she just had a little bit more up top."

The whole article is fantastic and sad and very necessary - especially in light of the study he quotes about the results of early sexualization of girls, "linking early sexualization with three of the most common mental-health problems of girls and women: eating disorders, low self-esteem and depression." Read it. Share it with your friends. And let your little girls know they are more than sex symbols.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/04/19/granderson.children.dress/index.html?npt=NP1

Guest Post: Mommy, If I Were You . . .

2011-04-18T14:20:00.002-04:00

Today we have another guest post from Julie! Thanks for keeping us going even when we're slacking!

My daughter gets her hair in to everything. You see, she has low vision and so in order to see she keeps her head close to the task at hand. If she is eating, her hair falls into her food becoming sticky. If she is cutting paper with scissors, her hair often falls in the path of the shears!

My solution to this problem is to keep her hair up and out of the way. I love to sculpt masterpieces atop her head with her lovely golden locks. But ohhh, does she hate getting her hair done. It takes her away from playing. It takes too long. It is soo annoying to be hunted down by Mom every morning! She puts up a good fight.

This morning as I was tying a simple knot on her head, she told me, “Mommy, if I were you I would just do a ponytail.”

What aspect of life is more difficult and time consuming than it needs to be? What is stressing you out? Does it need to be the deluxe-do or can it simply be changed to the classic pony tail?

I think I may just take her advice today.

A New Perspective on Motherhood

2011-03-30T09:18:00.014-04:00

I've been terrible about contributing to our tribute to women this month, and I will tell you why: I've been mothering a sick hedgehog.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I brought this little darlin' home. She was very sweet and quite tame (not too prickly) and we were just in love.

Then, one night our little gal sneezed all night long. Her breathing sounded wet and snuffly, and everything I saw in the literature about hedgehog care (I know, right?) said that it was probably an upper respiratory infection from the pine bedding the pet shop sold us (and swore was all right for her) - an infection that could quickly turn to pneumonia and be fatal for our hedgehog. And the worst of it was that we just didn't know what to do for her because she was so new to us. Who knows what a hedgehog's eating and breathing and playing should look like?

I spent the next few days constantly checking to make sure she was breathing, tensing up whenever she started to sneeze, counting her kibble to see if she was eating (she wasn't) and worrying, worrying, worrying. After a few days, I couldn't stand it anymore and took her to the vet, where they gave her some medicine and told me I was on the right track and she would be fine, that it hadn't gone to her lungs and antibiotics would clear up the rest. After thinking she might die because she was so lethargic and sniffly, it was a huge relief. It was an even bigger relief when, after a couple of days of working a medicine dropper into her mouth (while she threw her head back and forth and clenched her teeth like a little kid), she finally started to eat regularly, drink normally, and (I'm sorry) poop non-green poop.

I've always had a great respect for mothers - for the work they do to keep their babies happy and healthy as often as possible, for the worrying they go through when their babies are sick or sad or in trouble. However, I'd never understood things like the relief that comes when a baby starts eating right, the concern over weird-looking stuff in the diaper, the need to just watch the baby breathe. It may sound silly, but my concern for a spiny little rodent gave me a glimpse into the lives of new mothers - women who want so badly for their child to be healthy and normal and okay. I finally understood why someone would obsess over the color or frequency of baby poop - because any sign of normalcy is a huge comfort, another sigh of relief, another night when you don't lie awake listening for any sound that might be a bad sign.

To the mothers out there: I'm certainly not saying I understand everything you've gone through now that I've mothered a hedgehog. Cute as she is, the fear that little Stickybun wouldn't recover has nothing on the feelings a mother has for her child's wellbeing. But I do understand a little better the feelings of investment that come with trying to keep something tiny and helpless alive. I both dread and look forward to the day when I will be crazy with worry for my own child.

Until then, if you want to tell me about the color of your baby's poop, I will listen.

Silence

2011-03-29T10:00:00.000-04:00

Too many women in too many countries

speak the same language of silence.

My grandmother was always silent, always aggrieved

Only her husband had the cosmic right (or so it was said)

to speak and be heard.

They say it is different now.

(After all, I am always vocal and my grandmother

thinks I talk too much)

But sometimes I wonder.

When a woman shares her thoughts, as some women do,

graciously, it is allowed.

When a woman fights for power, as all women would like

to, quietly or loudly, it is questioned.

And yet, there must be freedom — if we are to speak

And yes, there must be power — if we are to be heard.

And when we have both (freedom and power) let us now be

understood.

We seek only to give words to those who cannot speak

(too many women in too many countries)

I seek to forget the sorrows of my grandmother's silence.

Anasuya Sengupta

Geraldine Ferraro (1935-2011)

2011-03-28T09:00:00.000-04:00

In 1984, Geraldine Ferraro was the first woman to run for vice president on a major party ticket.

"I can look back and say that really was an important thing to have happen because, you know, people did see a woman running for national office. But I also have to say something to you: It's not only—it wasn't only the campaign. It wasn't only the election. Since then, I have to tell you the number of women who have come up to me and said to me, thank you for doing that. And I say, well, I appreciate it. And they say, well, no, no. You don't understand. Because if you hadn't done it, I would not have... And I cannot tell you the number of things they attach to the end of that word—have."

Saturday Snapshot

2011-03-26T11:00:00.002-04:00

Elizabeth Taylor (1932-2011)

2011-03-25T10:00:00.001-04:00

I feel very adventurous.

There are so many doors to be opened, and I'm not afraid to look behind them.

Appreciation

2011-03-23T09:00:00.003-04:00

"My children are now all grown. Some are in their 60s. But when they call and I answer the phone, they say, “How are you?” And before I can answer, they ask, “Is Mother there?”

She has been their strength all of their lives. Since they were babies they have looked to her, and she has always responded with affection, guidance, teaching, blessing their lives in every way.

Now we have granddaughters who are mothers. They visit us, and I marvel at their patience, at their capacity to calm their children, to stop them from crying, and it seems to me to do a thousand other things.

They drive cars, they run computers, they attend the activities of their children, they cook and sew, they teach classes, and they speak in church.

I see their husbands, and I feel like saying to them: “Wake up. Carry your share of the load. Do you really appreciate your wife? Do you know how much she does? Do you ever compliment her? Do you ever say thanks to her?”

Well, you dear women, I say thanks to you. Thank you for being the kind of people you are and doing the things you do. May the blessings of heaven rest upon you. May your prayers be answered and your hopes and dreams become realities."

Gordon B. Hinckley

Sakena Yacoobi

2011-03-22T12:00:00.000-04:00

Sakena Yacoobi is the executive director of the Afghan Institute of Learning, an NGO that she founded in 1995 to help improve the lives of Afghan women. AIL operates Educational Learning Centers and health centers in Afghanistan and Pakistan, and most of its employees are women.

Just over a week ago, Dr. Yacoobi was inducted into the Enterprising Women's Hall of Fame at the ninth annual Enterprising Women of the Year Awards Celebration in Boca Raton, Florida. Dr. Terry Neese, founder of The Institute for Economic Empowerment of Women and the woman who nominated Dr. Yacoobi, explained her choice: "Her organization was the first to offer human rights and leadership training to Afghan women in the 1990s. She is an inspiration to Afghan and American women. Her visionary work is an example to everyone that women can persevere through the most challenging times to help build their country and educate their people."

Anna Sewell

2011-03-21T14:04:00.001-04:00

"There is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham."

Anna Sewell is the author of the lovely Black Beauty, which so many of us adored as children. Her compassion and love of all living creatures is evident in her writing.

My Gram

2011-03-18T08:00:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about my family, specifically the women in my family. We are all very close, something I wouldn't change for anything in the world. I could write forever about how awesome they are and how much I love them and I could get sappy and lame, but I'm going to try to keep it together and talk about my grandmother.

Matilda, my mom's mom, has always insisted on being called Grandmother. When we all got older and started calling her "Gram," she would ignore us until we finally gave up and called her Grandmother. She's gotten better about this over the years, but I'm pretty sure it's only because she can't hear us as well.

My grandmother and grandad met when they were teenagers attending school in a one-room schoolhouse in Pennsylvania... they've been together ever since. I find that incredibly romantic. Even more romantic is how she still talks about how great my grandad is - how he used to ride his bike up a giant hill to visit her; how they used to go out for ice cream sundaes; how he got along with all of her siblings and how they spent hours playing cards. She's 87 years old and she's still smitten with her high school sweetheart.

My grandparents (on the left) on their wedding day with my grandmother's twin sister and her husband.

My grandmother taught us all how to behave properly. We learned how to set a proper place setting, which utensils to use and when, how to twirl our spaghetti on a spoon so the bites were manageable and non-slurpy. She helped teach us manners and how to treat people with respect. She taught us how to cook and how to shop (seriously, she could shop). She always took so much pride in her appearance, which hasn't necessarily rubbed off on me but I blame society for that one.

We all have amazing women in our lives, we had to learn it from somewhere. Mothers, sisters, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, neighbors - someone out there influenced you to such an extent that you carry them with you where ever you go. All of these things that I learned from my own Grandmother are things I will be able to teach my daughters someday and that is amazing to me.

Anne Frank

2011-03-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."

Few people inspire me more than Anne Frank. She was so young, and yet she set such a beautiful example of the best there is in human nature. In circumstances that would have tried the most enlightened adults, she was thoughtful and hopeful and utterly lovely. "It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals," she said, "because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart."

*I have looked everywhere trying to find the actual origin of that first quote and I couldn't, so if anyone can tell me the source, I will gladly name my first-born child after you. It's driving me crazy. I assumed it was from her diary, but I searched the text of the diary on Google Books and it didn't come up... I'm at a loss.

100th Anniversary of International Women's Day

2011-03-08T09:06:00.002-05:00

Information about International Women's Day

Television's Greatest Women?

2011-03-07T14:00:00.002-05:00

Today I came across a list of TV's 25 Greatest Women, and I thought it would be a fun contribution to our celebration of women this month.

To be honest, I am not a big TV-watcher, and I have never seen most of the shows on this list. I don't really know how to approach it, since I don't know most of the characters--are these the women who contributed the most to television? Who had the biggest audiences? Whose characters exemplify all the best qualities of women? What do you think?

If you don't see some of your favorites, check out the links to the rest of the list--this top 25 is just the final installment of a top 100. Like I said, I don't know most of the characters in this list, but these I do know (and love):

57. Lorelai Gilmore
'Gilmore Girls' (2000-07) | Played By: Lauren Graham
She didn't focus on the challenges of being a single teen mom, and instead made sure daughter Rory's life was filled with love, laughter, a deep appreciation and knowledge of pop culture, and the assurance that Lorelai would always be there as her mom and her fast-talkin' BFF.

14. Liz Lemon
'30 Rock' (2006-present) | Played By: Tina Fey
She's the heroine of every bespectacled, sweats-wearing, junk-food-noshing, boy-chasing, pop-culture-loving, smart-girl nerd everywhere.

3. Lucy Ricardo
'I Love Lucy' (1951-60) | Played By: Lucille Ball
The meddling redhead couldn't stay out of trouble, but it was only because she wouldn't let anyone, even beloved hubby Ricky or BFF Ethel, keep her in the kitchen and out of the spotlight she craved to be in.

Who would be on your list?

A Call For Posts

2011-03-04T08:00:00.008-05:00

Hey ladies (and also gentlemen, because we know you're out there too, and some of you even know how to write),

Because we love the idea of Women's History month, we'd love it if we could get a special batch of guest posts for March. It's a time when we can honor the women who have inspired us: the teacher who helped us love a subject, the writer or artist who opened our eyes to something beautiful and true, the scientist who gave us a sense of our own potential, the suffragette who gave us a voice, the mothers, grandmothers, sisters, aunts or friends who made us who we are today.

We want posts celebrating the women who are important to you, whether you know them personally or not, and we want to know how they've affected the person you've become or the way you see yourself. We want to hear about them even if your post is just a paragraph. If you have quotes that you feel match the spirit of the month, we'd love to be able to share those with everyone who reads the blog. (And we promise we'll be participating as well.)

Don't forget to email all guest posts to beinglovelyblog at gmail dot com.
What say you, lovelies? Are you with us?

Link

"Our daughters' daughters will adore us and they'll sing in grateful chorus..."

(Just to get you in the spirit.)

Women's History Month 2011

2011-03-03T08:45:00.003-05:00

The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release

February 28, 2011

Presidential Proclamation--Women's History Month, 2011

WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH, 2011

BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

A PROCLAMATION

During Women's History Month, we reflect on the extraordinary accomplishments of women and honor their role in shaping the course of our Nation's history. Today, women have reached heights their mothers and grandmothers might only have imagined. Women now comprise nearly half of our workforce and the majority of students in our colleges and universities. They scale the skies as astronauts, expand our economy as entrepreneurs and business leaders, and serve our country at the highest levels of government and our Armed Forces. In honor of the pioneering women who came before us, and in recognition of those who will come after us, this month, we recommit to erasing the remaining inequities facing women in our day.

This year, we commemorate the 100th anniversary of International Women's Day, a global celebration of the economic, political, and social achievements of women past, present, and future. International Women's Day is a chance to pay tribute to ordinary women throughout the world and is rooted in women's centuries-old struggle to participate in society on an equal footing with men. This day reminds us that, while enormous progress has been made, there is still work to be done before women achieve true parity.

My Administration has elevated the rights of women and girls abroad as a critical aspect of our foreign and national security policy. Empowering women across the globe is not simply the right thing to do, it is also smart foreign policy. This knowledge is reflected in the National Security Strategy of the United States, which recognizes that countries are more peaceful and prosperous when their female citizens enjoy equal rights, equal voices, and equal opportunities. Today, we are integrating a focus on women and girls in all our diplomatic efforts, and incorporating gender considerations in every aspect of our development assistance. We are working to build the participation of women into all aspects of conflict prevention and resolution, and we are continuing to lead in combating the scourge of conflict related sexual violence, both bilaterally and at the United Nations.

In America, we must lead by example in protecting women's rights and supporting their empowerment. Despite our progress, too many women continue to be paid less than male workers, and women are significantly underrepresented in the science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) fields. By tapping into the potential and talents of all our citizens, we can utilize an enormous source of economic growth and prosperity. The White House Council on Women and Girls has continued to remove obstacles to achievement by addressing the rate of violence against women, supporting female entrepreneurs, and prioritizing the economic security of women. American families depend largely on the financial stability of women, and my Administration continues to prioritize policies that promote workplace flexibility, access to affordable, quality health care and child care, support for family caregivers, and the enforcement of equal pay laws. I have also called on every agency in the Federal Government to be part of the solution to ending violence against women, and they have responded with unprecedented cooperation to protect victims of domestic and sexual violence and enable survivors to break the cycle of abuse.

As we reflect on the triumphs of the past, we must also look to the limitless potential that lies ahead. To win the future, we must equip the young women of today with the knowledge, skills, and equal access to reach for the promise of tomorrow. My Administration is making unprecedented investments in education and is working to expand opportunities for women and girls in the STEM fields critical for growth in the 21st century economy.

As we prepare to write the next chapter of women's history, let us resolve to build on the progress won by the trailblazers of the past. We must carry forward the work of the women who came before us and ensure our daughters have no limits on their dreams, no obstacles to their achievements, and no remaining ceilings to shatter.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim March 2011 as Women's History Month. I call upon all Americans to observe this month and to celebrate International Women's Day on March 8, 2011 with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities that honor the history, accomplishments, and contributions of American women. I also invite all Americans to visit www.WomensHistoryMonth.gov to learn more about the generations of women who have shaped our history.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-eighth day of February, in the year of our Lord two thousand eleven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fifth.

BARACK OBAMA

LINK

Our History is Our Strength

2011-03-01T08:30:00.004-05:00

If we were more on top of things, I think we would have liked to do something to celebrate Black History Month in February, and I wish we had. But for once I happened to think of something the night before it happens, so in March we are going to celebrate the women who have brought us to where we are today. Happy Women's History Month!

Love and Courage

2011-02-28T08:30:00.001-05:00

We must replace fear and chauvinism, hate, timidity and apathy, which flow in our national spinal column, with courage, sensitivity, perseverance, and, I even dare say, "love." And by "love" I mean that condition in the human spirit so profound it encourages us to develop courage. It is said that courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue with consistency.

--Maya Angelou, Even the Stars Look Lonely

I read the news a lot, and I try to keep up on what's happening in the world. Sometimes this is a pretty depressing thing to do--in fact, as a teenager, that was my reason for refusing to read or watch the news. So much of what goes on in the world seems to be motivated by hate, and it can be hard to hear about.

But I have learned that most often, what looks like hate is actually fear or insecurity. No person is born bad, and people do not become "bad" without having a lot of painful things happen to them. In fact, pretty much no one goes through life without having painful things happen to them; where people make a mistake is in taking out their pain on others.

In many ways our society is a comparatively enlightened one, but we have a lot of failings as well. One of these is our tendency to discriminate based on all kinds of things--race, gender, wealth, physical appearance, sexual orientation, nationality, political affiliation, age, religion--and I think discrimination is the single most obvious example of a hateful behavior that stems from fear. Discrimination is often lashing out against people who are different because we are afraid of them, or because deep down we are unsure of ourselves. When we discriminate against others, we take out our fears on people who have done nothing to hurt us, people who have fears and pain of their own, and who deserve to live their lives without antagonism from others who are different.

Life is too precious to spend our time dwelling in negativity. Instead of letting fear and insecurity control our actions, we need to learn to respond to people with sensitivity and love--and with the courage and perseverance to continue even when it would be easier to stop.

It's true!

2011-02-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

lelove

It's gonna take patience and time...

2011-02-22T09:00:00.002-05:00

Maybe I just wrote that title so you would all get this song stuck in your head:

I'm evil, but that's a good song so I don't feel too bad.

Now on to business.

Remember how I wrote about improvement? That's my theme of the year. I'm going to take what I have and I'm going to improve. But, you know what? That is going to require patience and time...two things I don't feel I have a lot of right now. Of course, improving on the time part is easy - I just have to "prioritize" and "make" time for the things I should be doing. That doesn't mean I want to do that. What I want to do is catch up on my Hulu and Netflix queues.

The patience part is what I'm really struggling with. How do you stay motivated when it seems to take so long to see results? This is with everything in my life right now...finances, work, dieting, my social life (or lack thereof), even in my relationships with friends and family. All those things that I want to improve on are some of the most difficult things to improve on because I am not a patient woman. I need feedback to keep me going! Validate me!

So, I reiterate my question and hope to get answers from you...How do YOU stay motivated when you really feel a little insane for even trying in the first place?

Saturday Snapshot

2011-02-19T16:29:00.000-05:00

Guest Post, Lis: No Quick Fixes

2011-02-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

Another lovely guest post from Miri's sister-in-law, Lis:

We made a goal a couple weeks ago (I made it and my husband went along with it) to have a home-cooked meal every night and to exercise at least three times that week. We actually do this quite frequently, but strangely enough, it was harder when I made a goal to do it than when we just do it.

It seems like a goal is harder to keep up with than a habit. It's starting to become a habit for me to go to the gym a couple times a week, and we were already cooking at home a lot; but when I forced myself to do it, I found that I kind of pushed back against myself.

I think goals are harder because they're a change from the normal, and people generally are very resistant to change and to having to do something new. When it's just a normal habit, it's a lot easier. When someone (even ourselves) makes us do something, we don't want to. We want to do things when we want to.

So I decided I need to be careful about my goals in the future--just decide I want to do them, but not set too specific boundaries. That way I won't be forcing myself against my own will and won't be disappointed if I don't accomplish the goal. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it makes for a much less stressful week.

I think the word "goal" is like the word "diet"--it now has a slightly negative connotation (as in people don't want to think about the stress of reaching their goals). We need to have a lifestyle change, not a one-time fix. The trick is getting from goal to habit. Thoughts are very powerful, and if I want to change, I need to think about it and decide to be the person I want to be, not just do the actions.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T10:00:00.001-05:00

All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.

--War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy

Improvement

2011-02-10T08:00:00.001-05:00

I rambled a bit about this subject on my personal blog and felt inspired to share a word or two here as well.

A lot has changed in my life over the past few months, mostly (thank goodness) for the better (it was about time). For the last two years, things had basically shut down. I didn't have a job, I didn't have money, I was not happy, I was stressed all the time and, when I wasn't looking for a job or doing whatever I could to earn some money, I loafed. My mind and my soul were overloaded with stress and fear and doubt and worry; there was no room for progression or forward thinking. I lived in the moment, day by day, doing the best I could.

But now that's different. That was how I coped so I could keep on keeping on and it worked when it needed to work, but now I get to cope with good things. The stress and worry are still there to some extent (I have a lot of bills to catch up on, people, those never go away), but I am so much happier. Not only was I lucky enough to find a job, it's a job I actually like and I'm good at it and I work with people I like and choose to spend time with outside of work. That's a huge deal. My finances, social life and career all took a turn for the better with one little job.

So. This time last year, I was telling myself that "everything is going to be alright" and now that things are alright (or headed that way), I'm focused on improvement. It's time to start progressing! Onward and upward! Keep moving forward! *Insert your favorite catchy, motivating slogan here*!

I'm choosing to go to the gym and diet (because it's about time). I've never been one to go to the gym (sweat. ugh.), but it's never too late to start. Since I'm going to the gym and dieting, I am also going to be saving the money I would spend on new clothes and eating out (and also pretty books and frivolous things) to pay off some of the debt one tends to acquire while unemployed. Once my credit cards are cleaner and my waist line is smaller, then I can shop (because hopefully I will NEED to shop for pants that don't fall off). So the library and the gym will be my new best friends.

These are lofty goals, I know, but it feels so good to have made them. I'm not a resolution kind of girl, but mostly because I think the term is equated with failure (who EVER keeps a New Years resolution? Who?!), so these will be my improvements for the year. I don't expect to be a size 2 with zero debt by Christmas 2011, but I do expect to see some improvement from month to month and I know it will relieve some of the stress and worry in my life.

So what will you be improving on this year?

What the World Needs Now...

2011-02-08T09:00:00.027-05:00

I read a lovely little story the other day. It's in Hillary Rodham Clinton's biography, Living History, and she quotes her husband giving the eulogy at her father's funeral.

"In 1974 when I made my first political race," he said, "I ran in a congressional district where there were a lot of Republicans from the Middle West. And my future father-in-law came down in a Cadillac with an Illinois license plate; never told a living soul I was in love with his daughter, just went up to people and said, 'I know that you're a Republican and so am I. I think Democrats are just one step short of communism, but this kid's all right.' "

This warmed my heart, and I don't think it happened because of anything special about Bill Clinton; I believe it was something special about Hugh Rodham. His daughter described him as a staunch Republican who "started out in life inheriting every prejudice imaginable in his working-class, Protestant family--against Democrats, Catholics, Jews, and blacks--and anyone else considered outside the tribe."

The truth is that most of our negative ideas about people who are different from us aren't really true, and deep down, I think most of us already know that. But it takes incredible maturity and humility to be able to overcome long-standing, deep-seated prejudices; to realize that what you believe, maybe even what your parents and grandparents believed, just isn't true; to understand that a person can be a truly good person and still have beliefs, traditions, and a culture that are completely opposite of yours.

Human beings are infinitely complex creatures, and yet for some reason we like to try and simplify each other. The fact is that you can't know someone based on their religious affiliation, their political convictions, their hobbies, their race, their job, where they live, or the emails they forward. These are all external factors, motivated by something deeper (or sometimes just circumstantial), and we can't know what that motivation is without getting to know a lot more about the person.

I wonder if there any differences that couldn't be overcome if we could learn to treat everyone like a member of our family whom we have to love, even if we disagree with them. As a very lovely man said, "Love is the only force that can erase the differences between people or bridge the chasms of bitterness." It takes a lot of strength to become this kind of person--but imagine what the world would be like if we all tried.

2011-02-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

"An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it."

--Mahatma Gandhi

Something Fun for Your Friday

2011-01-28T09:39:00.002-05:00

A Theory

2011-01-19T09:00:00.002-05:00

I've been trying to figure out what the deal is with human beings and our obsession with appearances. My current philosophy is that looks are completely unimportant, and I have been doing a lot of work to make myself believe it. It's been great--I've actually lost weight, and when people ask me what I've been doing my only answer is, "I stopped caring about losing weight." I really love being able to say that and have it be true.

Yet our reliance on appearances seems to be such a natural part of us that it makes me wonder. For the most part, our natural instincts are there to keep us safe: Physical pain warns us away from something that can hurt us, the gag reflex helps expel harmful things from our stomachs. The instinct to judge based on looks seems to be innate--so does this mean that it isn't wrong? Is this instinct actually something we should use?

I will be honest here--I really don't want to believe that. First impressions of people are often completely wrong, especially when those impressions are based only on physical appearance. Thousands of years of evolution aside, the fact is that human beings are rotten at understanding people based on a look. (For reference, please see every movie ever made about a tough guy--or girl--who looks mean but turns out to be sensitive and emotional because their hard exterior is just a defense mechanism .)

Anyway. I don't know the answer to this question, but I have one theory.

My family's holistic doctor, Dr. Einsohn, tells us that we should be grateful for the most awful, difficult people in our lives because without them, we couldn't grow in whatever specific way they will force us to grow. Maybe this obsession with appearances is like that--a great obstacle that is part of our test, and we're meant to learn to overcome it.

What do you think? Any other theories?

Be Welcoming

2011-01-17T10:00:00.002-05:00

Well friends, after a long absence, I'm back, and writing to you from the southern tip of Texas.

I wasn't very excited to move down here. My new husband is working for the Teach for America Corps, and he was assigned to the Rio Grande Valley mere days before we started dating. It's not really where I would have picked, although I suppose with 70 degree weather in January and a half hour to the beach, it isn't all bad. (However, I'm still not a big fan of Mexican food. I'm sorry.)

The day after we got here, we went to church, and several people came and introduced themselves. We even got a dinner invite from this amazing family (which was great, because the only food we had in the house was some spaghetti that came with a wedding gift, and all of our cooking supplies were still in boxes).

I'm always taken aback by how welcoming some people can be. I have a hard time reaching out to people because I feel shy, but so many wonderful people just scooped us up into their circle immediately, and I felt about a thousand times better about being here, despite the number of tarantula stories we got over dinner. No matter how many concerts make it down here or how far we have to go for sushi, there are wonderful, kind people around me and they have willingly allowed me into their homes and opened their hearts to me without knowing me at all. How can I complain about that?

So this week, there was another new family. I made a point to introduce myself after the meetings. "I was new last week," I said with a big smile. "Welcome. You're going to love it."

Here Is What You Are

2011-01-14T11:35:00.002-05:00

Happy weekend, lovelies. We have a message for you.

Go here. (http://hereswhatyouare.com/)

Guest Post, Emily: Bucket List

2011-01-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

Here's another great guest post we got while we were on our break, from Emily. Check out her fantastic personal blog at http://emilymcb.blogspot.com.

I recently graduated from college and entered the adult world of full-time work. The transition was much harder on me than I expected it to be. Suddenly I didn't have papers to write or exams to study for, and I felt that I had free time coming out my ears.

All my life, all I'd known was school. First my main goals revolved around doing well in school, so I could get into college; then the main goal became finishing college, so I could get my bachelor's degree. I got stuck when I didn't know what I was working toward anymore.

I wasn't finding much fulfillment from my supposedly "dream" job, and I didn't want to spend all my life either working or watching Netflix. That's when I realized I needed to make some goals. Life goals.

I decided to make a bucket list.

I thought long and hard about what I wanted on my bucket list. What is it that I want to do before I die? What do I want my life to be about? What are my priorities?

Some things on my bucket list are silly (like learning how to milk a cow). Many involve traveling (like taking a road trip across the country or walking along the Great Wall of China). Some things I have control over (like reading all of Shakespeare's plays and running a half marathon), while others...not so much (like having kids). But that's okay! Because now, I feel like I have things to work on and things to look forward to. Things that I can do now, and things that need to wait 'til later.

What I've realized through all of this is how important it is for me to be setting goals and working toward them. My happiness is largely dependent on my productivity.

I want to have a lovely life. I'm trying my best to enjoy the small moments of everyday life, but when I'm feeling down, it's so nice to pull out my bucket list and think about the lovely moments that are waiting.

Guest Post, Julie: Home for the Holidays

2011-01-11T15:13:00.003-05:00

Julie sent us this guest post during the holiday season. Unfortunately, I was in full-out wedding mode, and Lindsey and Miri were crazy busy with holiday plans of their own, and we didn't get to it until now. However, it's such a lovely post that we can't very well wait until next year to post it, and I can certainly relate as I look forward to next Christmas with my new in-laws. Enjoy, and sorry for the delay, Julie!

I want to go home every holiday. I want to be in my childhood home, with my parents, and my siblings, and I want the same traditional food with the same decorations and the same activities. It is comfortable. It is warm. It feels like love.

I cannot go “home” anymore every holiday. My husband and I have this every other year swap. This year we are spending Christmas with the husband’s family. He loves them. It is his traditions and his food and his siblings.

If you can believe it, our first married Christmas with his family my heart was so empty longing for home, that we packed up the very next day and drove 750 miles so I could feel the warmth I cherished so much. I still have to restrain myself from doing this every year. I cannot. We have 4 kids, 3 fish, and a cat, with new traditions to uphold.

I want to share some of my tricks of how to deal with the longing for “home” holiday syndrome. Hopefully it will help find a way to cope with lone-lies around the holidays.

After 10 years of marriage I now know what to expect. I know where the holes in the holiday are that make me feel sad or lonely. So I anticipate and take defenses against these holes.

Embrace the city you are in. Adopt a local food bank or nursing home. Round up some friends to sing carols in your neighborhood. Visit the festivities the city provides. I now look forward to visiting the Christmas lights downtown and shoveling the snow.

Lower your expectations. Set too high and you are bound to be let down. Set them reasonably and they are sure to be surpassed. Don’t expect a stocking filled to the brim or the conversation to be centered on you. Mold yourself into their family and you are sure to become a cherished member.

In my family I am an important piece of the puzzle. I feel valued and loved always in their presence. I still struggle with not having this every year. I know my husband’s family is not trying to hurt me with their actions or lack thereof. Love is shown in other ways. I look for the ways they show their love for me and try to make sure I show them how much I value them in my life also.

Most importantly is not looking inward, but turning outward. This holiday is important to others. It means a whole lot to my husband’s family that we are here. I need to make my best effort to participate in their traditions without wishing they were different. I already can feel my heart becoming closer to them as I put away my selfish feelings and make this their traditional Christmas.

It is so easy to get caught up in a serious case of selfishness, self pity, envy, and even anger in the holiday season. Remembering the reason for the season puts things in perspective. And you will never be a lovelier you.

Another Break

2010-12-07T02:34:00.001-05:00

Dearest Lovelies,

Due to circumstances that we will call "life," we're taking another little break. I'm both getting my Master's and getting married in the next 11 days, and Lin and Miri both have multiple projects they're working on - and then they have to come to my wedding! Miri asked if we wanted to announce a break about a week ago because none of us had posted, and then still . . . none of us posted. You can see the dilemma and the busy-ness.

In any case, we love you all, and we can't wait to start up again in a few weeks. In the mean time, if you find yourself with holiday guest post ideas or just regular guest post ideas, send them along!

Love,

Us

Coping Mechanisms

2010-11-20T10:20:00.003-05:00

So . . . my life is crazy right now (but only for 4 more weeks!) I'm planning my Utah wedding to my Texas-dwelling fiance from my apartment in Indiana while working three jobs and finishing the last semester of my Master's degree. I mentioned in my last post that I may have had one or two breakdowns. This week, I want to address my recently developed anti-breakdown coping mechanisms. I developed a plan for myself this week, and it was . . . surprisingly effective.

Let me say first, that normally, I am not prone to this awesome breakdown-filled lifestyle. I am prone to stress, though, and when I have multiple things to be stressed about, it builds up to epic proportions that sometimes result in some wonderful meltdowns about really important things like the Netflix queue. Think of these as preventative emergency coping mechanisms. :)

Identify what causes you to get worked up. What sorts of things are upsetting or stressful to you? How do they get blown out of proportion? If it's something solvable, make a plan to solve it. If you can't do anything about it, decide how you will deal with that too. (For instance, all semester, I've stressed quite a bit about moving to Texas, and people ALWAYS want to talk to me about it. I know it will be fine when I get there, but when I talk about it, I think about plenty of reasons why it might not be. I've finally started saying, "You know, I appreciate your excitement, but I can't think about this right now. Can we talk about something else?" That way, I avoid telling them about all of my fears - and dredging them up again for myself.) I spent this week shutting down internal and external conversations about the things I couldn't do anything about yet, and making concrete plans to successfully deal with the things that can be done now.
Identify what makes you feel better. I actually made a physical list last week of what makes me feel better when I'm upset. (Getting up for a drink of water. Going for a walk or a drive. Watching Pushing Daisies or Buffy or Doctor Who. Flirting with my fiance over Skype. Eating Oreos.) If I have a list of options in place, I know exactly what I should do when I feel myself starting to get upset, and I don't have to figure it out when my judgment is clouded by an overabundance of stress adrenaline.
Tell someone calming about your stress and your plan to cope with it. Figure out whether there are ways this person can help you to stop the impending overload before it comes to tears. Having someone to talk your stress level down over ice cream is invaluable.

You, too, can cope with your stress, whether it's finals or holidays or children or whatever other curveballs life throws at you. A little planning goes a long way.

Image source: http://www.wolfescape.com/Humour/WorkStress.htm

A Pavlovian Philosophy of Sex

2010-11-17T08:00:00.031-05:00

Our dear friend Krissie posted a truly lovely article on Facebook yesterday, and I want to share it with you. It's quite long, but it's definitely worth reading to the end. Occasional skimming is acceptable if you deem it necessary--the important thing is the message.

I've come to realize something profound that I don't know if I've ever heard anybody actually say.

It is not the impossibly air brushed females on magazine covers who are causing women to hold themselves against a standard of perfection. No, it's not that at all. Holy crap. Why am I just realizing this? Why doesn't anybody seem to realize this?

It is the men that stop and look at those magazines.

And that simple, repeated act is how we constantly, and never-endingly declare to women that they are not good enough, and will never be good enough.

We stop, and we look.

And women notice.

This post is written with a pleasant freshness and honesty that will probably make you want to give the writer a hug at various points throughout; and, like it promises in the introduction, it presents some compelling arguments that will maybe make you examine your own life a little bit.

There was one particular paragraph that resonated with me more than the rest (which is not to say that the rest did not resonate). Please, it says.

Please. Let's stop ogling the very things that are causing this tragic mind game. Let's stop walking by the never-ending porn that surrounds us with our jaws dangling so carelessly. Let's stop salivating every time Pavlov rings his freaking bell.

It is the last sentence of this paragraph that strikes me, and I believe it makes a vital point: That essentially, we as a society have learned that the most important thing in life is sex.

In our feelings about sex, just like Pavlov's dogs, we have allowed ourselves to be conditioned. Women let themselves believe that desirability is the ultimate indication of worth. Men let themselves be taught that they are nothing but sex machines. Our society says we need to be sexy, so we try to be sexy. Society says something will make us sexy, so we try that thing. We'll even try to learn to have more confidence--not so we can stop worrying about something stupid, but because we've heard that confident people are sexy. This thinking, I'm sad to say, is truly warped.

The fact is that sex is a biological function. Its purpose is the propagation of species; it is a necessary and practical part of existence on this planet. Why, then, have we commercialized it, set it on a pedestal, and become obsessed with it?

We stress endlessly about the way we look; we spend thousands of dollars on makeup and workout systems and gym memberships and Spanx and liposuction and plastic surgery and lingerie and hairstyles and clothes. We know perfectly well that none of it means anything, but we do it anyway. We know already that none of those things will make a person healthy, that they are purely about appearance. But we buy them anyway, because more than almost anything else, we want to be desirable. We "know" that looks don't matter; we "know" it's what's inside that counts. We tell ourselves that we know these things--but time after time, our actions say otherwise.

This is why I'm glad to have read this article, and why I have posted it here for you all to read. It's time for us to stop conditioning ourselves, and let Pavlov go find something else to do. It's time for us to remember what's important, and--for once--to actually act on our knowledge.

And finally, finally--it's time to start ignoring the bells.

A Little Fun for Your Monday

2010-11-15T10:00:00.000-05:00

Just some lovely links to start your week off. Enjoy!

Ever lose your phone when there's no one else around to help you find it? No one to call your number so you can follow the sound of the ring? Now you can use this site to call. Get on the good ol' internets, type in your number and resume your search.

Megan and I recently went on a hunt for punctuation jewelry. If you know any of us, you won't think that is odd, in fact you'll be just as excited as we were when we found this and this and this.

And just in case you were worried we weren't nerdy enough, check out Save the Words.

I posted a quote from this blog (kissssing) last week, but it's quickly becoming a new favorite blog so I'm sharing it again. I love the old photos of couples and the quotes and this photo had me laughing like a lunatic for longer than was needed.

Finally, there's this video. Mostly because it's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Help a blogger out...

2010-11-11T00:34:00.003-05:00

Just found out The Sleepy Time Gal was nominated as a favorite mom blogger on babble.com! Click over to babble and vote for Nicole (our fabulous guest poster from last week) and show her some support. She is number 79 (or was last time I checked) and on the second page of the list.

Good luck, Sleepy Time Gal!

Things Change, Jo

2010-11-08T08:00:00.002-05:00

I just went to see the opera Little Women by Mark Adamo. It's one of my favorite stories, and I loved seeing it done in a new way.

I've always loved and identified with Jo March, although I thought it was because she was a tomboy who liked to write. I've never thought of myself when I saw the way Jo avoids change - until I watched this version.

I realized as I watched the opera that I am more like Jo in this way than in any other. I hated leaving high school, having roommates and siblings move out or get married, graduating from college, moving to Indiana - because all of these things meant something would never be the same. Ever. With each change, I lamented how perfect things had been before and wondered why things had to change, why people had to leave, why I had to move on. Then eventually, I'd adjust to the change and believe things were perfect again until the next adjustment. Ultimately, I think the anticipation of change is worse than change itself.

I've been thinking about this even more than usual lately. I'm graduating in December, getting married a week later, and moving to another new state a week or so after that. I'd be lying if I said there hadn't been breakdowns. I've panicked about the move. I'm sad to be leaving Indiana and the friends I've made here, even though I can't wait for my relationship to stop being a long distance one. I'm overwhelmed when I think about going through the process of changing my name, even though I'm excited to do it. I think about how this will change the way I celebrate holidays and wonder what will end up changing about the way I do things on a day to day basis. In so many ways, it's both a great adventure and a terrifying jolt out of the comfortable, steady life I'm constantly trying to establish for myself.

I think if life let me have my way, I would stay in one place with my friends and family gathered around me in my little life, the way Jo wanted to. "We are perfect as we are!" I rail, just as Jo did throughout this opera. But it just wouldn't be true. Things change, and really I wouldn't want them to stay the same forever. I grow, I learn, and my life gets more interesting through change. And even though I always fear change will make it worse, just as often, it makes my life better. And when it doesn't immediately, I adapt, and eventually it becomes better because I make it so. I can cope with change. I'm grateful for change.

Just don't expect me to admit it too often.

True.

2010-11-03T10:00:00.000-04:00

"Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves." -- Henri Frederic Amiel

found here.

Have You Voted?

2010-11-02T13:55:00.000-04:00

Oh loveliest of readers, have you voted today? There's still plenty of time if you haven't! Our system only works if we all participate in it, and what's more lovely than doing your part in your community? (Well... lots of things, probably... but it's still an important thing to do.)

Don't let other people make all the decisions--your input is just as essential as anyone's. Make sure you're informed about your candidates, and do your part to support those you believe in. It might even be the most valuable thing you do today.

Guest Post: Nicole, Growing a Mother

2010-10-28T10:00:00.003-04:00

Bringing twins into the world after already having two young children changed my life. Not in the way that you're probably thinking--not in a sentimental way, but in a fundamental way. Life = work, work = time, and time was incredibly precious and always slipping away.

All I wanted was more and more time, time to read to my older children who needed me, time to zone out, time to bake, time to stop time from moving forward. But life wouldn't slow down. Children wouldn't slow down. And so I had to choose: would I continue to fight or would I grow with life?

Each day I still choose. Growing with whatever is placed in front of me means I can lead a more peaceful, content life. It means I can live minute by minute and follow my heart to know what is most important each day. It means my children are understood more and penciled in less.

Accepting my lack of control over many things in life empowered me as a mother because I could focus on what I could control. Time became a blessing, a treasure to be used with thanksgiving with more awareness of the present.

The Sleepy Time Gal

Motherhood Links

2010-10-27T10:00:00.000-04:00

I don't know if you've noticed, but I love links almost as much as I love lists. There is just a lot of awesome stuff out there that needs to be shared!

Keeping in line with this week's theme, here are some motherhood related links:

First things first, if you aren't already reading Everyday I Write the Book, you need to fix that. Kacy blogs about whatever pops into her head, like advice on how to sleep on your face or helpful tips for not so good homemakers.

I recently became a fan of The Mom blog, blame it on CJane. Ruth blogs about her days with her children, but mostly about her daughter Davy who just had major surgery to repair a major cleft. It's sweet and real and touching and Davy has the most beautiful eyes on the planet.

Speaking of CJane, she just happened to write a guest post on Goodnight Moon about motherhood and Mormonism. She touches on some of our Mormon habits (Family Home Evening, Mutual, General Conference) and how those things work with being a mother. It's your normal, straightforward and funny CJane post. Enjoy!

Megan and her mom....and some really, really big trees.

Spotlight: The Sleepy Time Gal

2010-10-26T10:00:00.004-04:00

When I was in college and just starting out as an Art History major, I made a new friend, Nicole. We had several classes together even though she was further along than I was and I'm certain I wouldn't have passed some of those classes without her help.

When I met her, Nicole was dating Bobby. They were both funny and creative and fun to be around. They got married and I drove to their wedding in Pennsylvania. I visited them occasionally when we all lived in Utah and I'm trying to get a visit in to them now that we live close together again. Last time I saw Nicole, she had one gorgeous baby daughter. Now she has four daughters (including twins!) and she blogs about her awesome adventures with them.

I admire how her creativity has grown to accommodate her daughters and how she nurtures their individual creativity. It's even more amazing that she turns around and takes the time to blog about their activities when she could be catching up on sleep (which I'm sure must be a priority with four young children). Needless to say, I've always been a fan of Nicole and now I want to share the love.

Check her out on The Life and Times of The Sleepy Time Gal. She shares photos of her children and their activities, including the decision to start homeschooling. There are tutorials, tips, recipes and links to explore, all put together in a neat little package of a blog. You can tell she is having fun with her daughters every day - even on the hard days (because there are always hard days when you are raising children).

And stay tuned later this week for a guest post from The Sleepy Time Gal, Nicole.

Motherhood from my Perspective

2010-10-25T19:22:00.005-04:00

I shared this link back in September when I wrote a guest post for my friend's blog, All the Sanity in Me. I'm recycling this post because it's relevant and, in all honesty, it took me forever to write it and I think it's worth two posts.

The reason it took so long, and I mention this in the post, is that I have a really hard time talking about my relationships with my nephews and niece and not getting sappy or long-winded or emotional. I'm fully aware that my situation as an aunt is not normal, but I wouldn't change it for anything on this earth. I've sacrificed a lot of time for them, but it was (and is) time well spent.

I think the point I was trying to make is that anyone can be a mother to anybody...it doesn't matter if you birthed them, what matters is the time and the dedication. What matters is the example you set, the lessons you teach and the unconditional love you give.

The Wisdom of Aunt Zizi

I have rewritten this post five times. Sixth is the charm, right? Mostly, it's just difficult to explain my situation without being long-winded, boring or sentimental. Heidi said, "Be funny, Lindsey!" I'm finding it hard to be funny on cue. I'm no dancing monkey, Heidi! Still, I'm going to try this one more time.

I'm Lindsey. There are oh so many things that define who I am, but one of my favorite things is that I am an aunt. Aunt Lindsey or Zizi, depending on which children are doing the name calling. I have always loved kids and all I've ever wanted out of life is to be a mother. I don't have my own babies yet, but I spoil the heck out of my sister and brother's kids. There are six all together, five boys and one girl, ranging in ages from 13 to 2 1/2. My level of involvement in each of their lives has varied over the years. I went from being the doting, teenage aunt to one opinionated toddler to the college attending, long-distance aunt who spoiled her three favorite boys despite money and distance to the live-in/caretaker aunt who gets to see her two youngest nephews grow up day by day. That's a pretty big spectrum, but I've loved every incarnation of aunthood that I've achieved.

When I moved home after college, my sister, brother-in-law and their oldest son (who was one at the time) were also living with my parents. I shared my room with the one year old, now that was an adventure. Needless to say, neither of us slept very well. A few years later (and the addition of another baby), I moved into a new house with my sister and her family. I was back home, without a job, nannying for my sister and whoever else wanted to pay me. Watching my nephews was one of the hardest and greatest things I've done in my life. Same goes for the decision to move in with them. It's so hard to balance being an aunt and helping raise these boys. I want to be the fun aunt 100% of the time, but life won't allow that. I'm also not their mother, so there are times when I can be the fun aunt and not feel guilty. I also get to make my sister change the dirty diapers, but that's mostly because I potty-trained her oldest son and I think she'll owe me forever for that one.

Now that you are all up to speed, here's the good stuff. A list (I'm a fan of lists) of six things I've learned about parenting from being a super aunt:

1. Chill out. Monkey see, monkey do. If you are stressed and high strung, your kids are going to pick up on that and your day is going to go down hill faster than a Jamaican bobsledding team. Put yourself in time out or learn some breathing exercises or distract yourself and the kids with something more fun and productive.

2. Baby wipes are amazing. I've used baby wipes once to clean crayon off of cream colored upholstery. I also use the same thing to clean my nephew's face and bottom. That seems off, right? But baby wipes keep my clothes and car free from sticky residue and stains so YAY WIPES!

3. TV is not the devil. Sometimes when you've been in a house all day with three screaming children under the age of 3, two of whom insist on being carried ALL THE TIME, the TV will become your best friend. If Yo Gabba Gabba provides me with 30 minutes of scream-free peace, then yes, TV is an angel sent from heaven.

4. Get the king size bed. It only takes one night of "sleeping" in a twin size bottom bunk with a wriggling 3-year-old to learn this very important lesson - and countless other nights in similar situations to burn this lesson into your brain for time and all eternity.

5. Build up a tolerance for waste. Children are adorable. They say the darndest things! They also pee, poop, cry, and throw up all over the place. It happens. And sometimes several of those things happen all at once. It's like a horror movie, only there's no crew man waiting off stage to come clean up the mess.

6. Enjoy the little moments. Sometimes days are bad. Sometimes, by the time you are sitting down to dinner, it's all you can do to keep from crying. That's when it's time to pay more attention to the little moments and try to focus on those. Things like how cute it is when your 2 year old starts dancing at the dinner table and eating his sandwich like a kitty cat or when your 4 year old actually sits down and eats every single thing on his plate without complaint AND asks for seconds. The more of those you find, the more your bad day will seem less bad.

Motherhood

2010-10-25T08:00:00.001-04:00

We are dedicating this week to posts on Motherhood.

Since none of us are mothers yet, we are turning to our blog friends who are mothers. Look out for a couple of blog spotlights, a guest post and lots of links that will hopefully add some loveliness to your week.

My mommy and me circa 1986ish

Conflict Avoidance ≠ Peace

2010-10-19T09:00:00.003-04:00

Most people don’t like conflict; this is pretty much a fact of life. However, it is also a fact of life that no one can avoid it forever. Unless you are a mountain man living alone in nature, it is inevitable that at some points in your life you will butt heads with other human beings.

For the most part, trying to avoid conflict is a good thing. No one needs more drama in their lives, and it definitely isn’t healthy to seek out arguments with people. If you’re able to let go of the little things that irritate you, the ones that don’t really mean anything, you’ll be able to make your life much more peaceful.

But there are times when conflict avoidance is not the ultimate high road—when it is, in fact, the wrong road. No matter how much we hate to be involved in disagreements, the hard truth is that sometimes it is necessary. Communication is an essential aspect of relationships, and no relationship can be healthy when one person isn’t willing to acknowledge tension. To be healthy, not just as one half of a relationship but as a person, you simply must be able to express your feelings.

Sometimes people let others walk all over them because they don’t want to start an argument. Sometimes someone does something that really hurts us, but we don’t want to have a fight about it, so we keep silent. Sometimes we bite our tongues because we’re afraid of what will happen if we bring up the issue. These behaviors are incredibly unhealthy, and they lead to other unhealthy behaviors like gossiping and passive-aggressiveness (because everyone needs an outlet).

When a person’s ultimate relationship goal is to never have conflicts, they are effectively giving other people total control over them. If you put yourself in a situation where, no matter what the other person does, you will not say anything about it, you are allowing that person to decide what happens in your life. This is a misuse of our personal freedom, and essentially puts you in an abusive relationship. We unquestioningly condemn physically abusive relationships, but I think that sometimes an emotionally abusive relationship is worse for the simple reason that you may not even know you’re in one.

Conflicts cannot be resolved unless they are talked through. You may think that you can just ignore something and forget about it, but the fact is that you probably haven’t forgotten about it by just pushing it away. All you’ve done is give yourself time to stew; the same issue will come up again later, and again and again, and each time it will cause you more emotional pain. If you want to overcome the problem, you need to address it.

Don’t let yourself be a victim in your relationships. If it becomes necessary to have an argument with someone, don’t think you’re doing anyone a favor by keeping silent and avoiding it. If you want to have healthy relationships with others and be at peace with yourself, you must learn to deal with conflicts. It’s a ridiculously hard thing to do—believe me, I know—but unfortunately it’s just a part of life, and it’s something we all must learn.

Something Amazing

2010-10-18T12:10:00.002-04:00

Look for something amazing today!

(And tell us about it if you find it... That's kind of a given. :P)

Saturday Snapshots

2010-10-16T16:42:00.003-04:00

Source

Grades

2010-10-14T08:00:00.001-04:00

†

I love this. Thank you, Doghouse Diaries.

Also, does this remind anyone else of Batman Begins? "But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you." :)http://www.thedoghousediaries.com/?p=2009

Desired Things

2010-10-11T10:00:00.001-04:00

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952

Living Single

2010-10-06T10:00:00.001-04:00

I am now the only single author of this blog (Megan's getting married, did you hear?), and I felt the need to write about it.

Turns out the internets want to teach me how to live life as a single girl. I keep coming across these lists detailing things that MUST be done while I'm single. Is the universe not-so-subtly trying to tell me that I should hunker down for a long, single winter? Thanks, Universe. I hate you.

I think most of the things on this list work just as well for someone who is not single, but whatever, you get what you get.

"Wallow in the ache of a broken heart" is not necessarily something I would like to aim to accomplish in my life, although I'm pretty lucky because I've done it twice already! Go me!

The advice to "develop a hobby" is well meaning, but could go horribly wrong. The internet has taught me this, and I trust the internet implicitly.

"Learn how to take care of yourself" and "be completely, utterly, wholly single for at least three months" are actually great bits of advice that I have used quite often when talking to friends. A lot of problems can be resolved or avoided when you know how to cook a meal or fix a toilet or wash your own clothes. Also, it's difficult to be yourself in a relationship if you don't really know who you are outside of a relationship.

So thanks, Internet, now I can live my single life to its fullest. What would I do without you?

A Philosophy of Life

2010-10-04T09:00:00.001-04:00

One Sunday when I was in high school, a Sunday School teacher gave an object lesson involving a jar full of rocks. I found a handout from that lesson the other day when going through some old school things, and I was struck by how the simplest concepts can sometimes slip past us until someone points them out.

A professor stood in front of his class with a jar full of rocks. He held up the jar and asked the students if they thought it was full; they said yes. He took a box of small pebbles and poured them into the jar, and they slid in around the rocks. The class laughed.

Then the professor picked up a box of sand, and as he poured it into the jar, the sand filled in all the empty spaces.

"This jar is like your life," he said. "The rocks are the important things--your family, your partner, your health, your children--anything so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed.

image source

"The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.

"The sand is everything else: The small stuff. If you put the sand in the jar first, there's no room for anything else; but if you start with the rocks, everything fits.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take your wife out dancing. Call your parents just to say hello. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, and fix the disposal.

"Take care of the rocks first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

Time Tested Beauty Tips

2010-09-30T10:00:00.000-04:00

This poem was not written by Audrey Hepburn, as many an email forward has claimed; it was written by Sam Levenson, but the lovely Audrey quoted it often. (It does seem like the kind of thing she would say, doesn't it? And that is why we love her.)

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anybody.

source (and a lovely story)

Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands: One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

--Sam Levenson

Talk to the Hand

2010-09-28T10:00:00.000-04:00

I think it's fair to say that society has changed a lot in the last hundred years. We have technologies that our ancestors couldn't have been imagined, and the way we dress couldn't be more different. And hey, the word "society" doesn't even mean what it used to. Our language has changed significantly, and our behaviors have changed too. These changes have brought about great things like civil rights, suffrage, and the end of the old rigid class system; but we've lost a lot of good things in the transition as well.

A while ago I read a book called Talk to the Hand: The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door. It's essentially a rant about the loss of manners in the modern world by Lynne Truss, one of my favorite British writers, and I'm going to let her help me explain what I'm talking about.

"The utter bloody rudeness of the world today is about a lot of things... but I think what most dismays many honourable people is the way 'deference' has become a dirty little demeaning word, while its close relative 'respect' has become a cool street-crime buzz-word mainly associated with paying feudal obeisance to those in possession of firearms. Both words have lost their true meaning. Deference is not about lying down and letting someone put their foot on your head. It is not about kow-tow. It is about assessing what is due to other people on all sorts of grounds...

The crying shame about modern rudeness is that it's such a terrible missed opportunity for a different kind of manners--manners based, for the first time, not on class and snobbery, but on a kind of voluntary charity that dignifies both the giver and the receiver by being a system of mutual respect."

I've often thought that one reason it's so difficult to express your feelings when someone is grieving is that we simply don't use the right kind of language for it anymore. We don't say things like, "my condolences" in everyday speech, and maybe we don't try because we feel pretentious. But how much more simple would it be if people could just express their feelings without worrying about what words are acceptable?

I may have mentioned a book called The Four Agreements on this blog before, and in reference to this issue I've been trying to apply a principle from that book that says, "be impeccable with your word." One of the definitions of this is to "use your energy in the direction of truth and love;" to me, it means a few things:

that I don't say things I don't mean
that I am kind and careful with my words, because words have a lot of power and I do not want to use that power to hurt anyone
and, perhaps most of all, that I am honest about my feelings, and don't worry about what other people will think of them

Sometimes I think I was affected by public school more than I should have been. What I mean is that when I meet someone who is obviously not included in others' social groups, I still feel the temptation to avoid them myself; when I remember someone's birthday or college major or something they once told me about their mom, I want to pretend that I don't because it feels more cool to be aloof. I'm learning to stop this.

The world would be a much lovelier place if people could learn to respect each other and speak with kindness instead of cynicism. Life would be so much more pleasant if we could learn to express ourselves simply and honestly, and remember the manners our mothers taught us.

Smart Girls at the Party

2010-09-27T13:00:00.000-04:00

I came across this website a while ago called Smart Girls at the Party. Amy Poehler is one of the people involved with it and I love her, so of course I was curious. Basically, they interview young girls about the things they are interested in, from yoga to robots to gardening...all sorts of things.

Here's Amy Poehler talking about it on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon:

I just love this idea. It's encouraging and uplifting and a great way to teach girls that it's okay to be smart and silly and funny, that they don't have to just blend in with everyone else. It's also another great example of someone who is using their influence over girls (since Amy Poehler is in the media spotlight) for good.

We Are Women Giveaway Winner

2010-09-27T08:00:00.000-04:00

Thank you to everyone who entered the giveaway! We loved all of your comments. Being a woman is awesome because of dresses and nail polish and pretty shoes AND because we get to be mothers and wives and sisters. We get to nurture, create, empathize and share. We can be emotional and silly and loving and all sorts of other wonderful things. It's nice to think of all those good things. So, thank you for the lovely reminders.

And now for a winner. Our randomly chosen winner is.....Krissie! Here's what she said:

I like being a woman because I believe that women have a better sense of "self" and spend their thoughts and heart songs thinking about what more they can do to be truer to that idea, whatever it may be. I like being a woman because the possibilities for individuality, each lovely, are endless, powerful, and perfect. I like being a woman because of the tenderness we are known for throughout time and the beauty of creativity and love we embody. I like being a woman because of the pure image it gives to those who truly know and understand the worth of a great woman and what they can accomplish if they have one on their team. The image that promotes happy families, compassionate service, and empathetic voices. Never underestimate the power of a woman who knows who she is and what she is capable of accomplishing.

Email us with contact information (an email address) and Allison will get in touch with you shortly with a link to the ebook.

For those of you near Provo/Orem, go to the book release party tonight at The Chocolate (6-8pm, 212 South State St., Orem).

We're All in This Together

2010-09-23T12:26:00.000-04:00

How hard to realize that every camp of men or beast has this glorious starry firmament for a roof! ... Standing alone on the mountaintop it is easy to realize that whatever special nests we make - leaves and moss like the marmots and birds, or tents or piled stone - we all dwell in a house of one room - the world with the firmament for its roof.

--John Muir

Do Not Even the Publicans the Same?

2010-09-22T09:34:00.013-04:00

From the lovely Molly at Smart, Pretty, and Awkward:

How to be (less) Awkward: It is more or less implied you are proud of someone you love when they have a success in their life. “I am so proud you got straight A’s,” “Great job landing that design internship,” etc. But it much more powerful to say, outloud, that you are proud of people even when they are not having classically defined successes. “I am proud of you for getting out that harmful relationship,” “I am proud of you for sticking through that tough time at work,” etc. When you love someone remind them often and frequently that you are proud of them for all the things they do — all of the things.

2010-09-21T08:00:00.004-04:00

"He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool."

--Brigham Young

A Link and a Smile

2010-09-17T08:33:00.003-04:00

I wrote a guest post about parenting on a friend's blog this week. Click the link and check it out.

And don't forget to comment on the giveaway! It's a super cool book and your only chance to get it for FREE!

We Are Women Giveaway!

2010-09-15T09:00:00.000-04:00

Remember Allison? She recently submitted an essay for the contest and has been mentioned before on this blog.

Well, the We Are Women book is nearing release. Miri and I submitted photos that are featured in the book (I'm looking unintentionally fierce in a photo from Miri's wedding) and the essays are wonderful. Not only is it a great book, but the proceeds go to the Campaign to End Fistula.

The release of the ebook is set for September 27th (check out details below about the release party at The Chocolate in Orem, Utah), but Allison was awesome enough to let us do a giveaway for you Lovely Readers.

So leave a comment below telling us why you love being a woman. It can be detailed or simple, whatever the answer, it will enter you into the giveaway. You can enter multiple times if you share this post via Facebook, your blog or Twitter and then leave another comment with a link. It's basically all about spreading the word and helping out a good cause!

The giveaway will close on Friday, September 24th. Happy commenting!

If Women Like It, It Must Be Stupid

2010-09-13T09:00:00.008-04:00

I've been trying to write this post since July 3, and the other day I came across an article that has really helped give some definition to what I'd been trying to say. That day--July 3--was my friend Lori's birthday, and the day that I saw Eclipse. This post is about what happened as I was leaving the movie.

The first thing you should know is that I love the Twilight books. I read them four years ago, when only the first two were out. I read them multiple times; I gushed about them with my roommates, who were also reading them; I went to Stephenie Meyer's website, downloaded the songs on the playlists she had to accompany the books, and listened to them constantly.

Then I saw the movies. On the one hand, I think they are pretty terrible as movies go. The dialogue is painful, Jasper walks around looking like he has something stuck up his bum, and Kristen Stewart is the Monotonous Expressionless Wonder. But on the other hand, all ridiculousness aside, watching the movies somehow feels like watching the books. I like that.

So Lori, Meredith, Bethany and I went to the movie. We watched; I wondered where Jasper and Carlisle got their new accents, tried not to laugh when Jacob said "I am hotter than you," and was impressed when Bella actually raised her voice for once.

The whole time, and indeed whenever the Twilight franchise is mentioned, my inner snob wanted to point out that I'm not in this the way others are. I'm not obsessed, I would never wear a shirt with Edward or Jacob on it, I refuse to be on anyone's "team." But that day, as I was leaving the movie, I had a thought:

Why do I have to excuse myself about this? Why do I feel the need to qualify my love of these books with explanations about how I actually hate vampire stories in general, how I don't like the movies and won't buy the merchandise? What is wrong with liking Twilight?

The article I mentioned at the beginning of this post is called "Eat, Pray, Love: If women like it, it must be stupid." It's about how people write off that book because it's about a woman's journey to find herself, and because it's primarily women who love it. (This, might I point out, is because of a lovely phenomenon--discussed in this article about the same topic--in which women will read and watch things about men, but men will not do the reverse.) And reading this article, plus a blog post about it by my uncle, made me realize that this ridiculous attitude is exactly what I was exemplifying in my on-the-fence, love/hate relationship with Twilight.

Okay, so, it's true: Women do like a lot of stupid things. Guess what. So do men. (May I remind you of the existence of this.)

When a lot of men like something, people don't think it's ridiculous. Macho, yes. Violent, probably; involving scantily clad women, very likely. But when a lot of women like something, people assume it's worthless.

It turns out that everything doesn't have to be the ultimate in literary (or cinematic) quality for there to be something legitimately worth loving about it. No, Stephenie Meyer isn't going to be winning any Pulitzers. So what? Instead, she has created something that appeals to women all over the world, of totally different generations and backgrounds and circumstances. There is something special about that, and what I realized that day when I was leaving the theater is that I am glad to be a part of it.

It is a lot of fun to have this in common with my aunts, my nieces, my mother-in-law, my friends, the girl who works at the library who always talks to me about YA books, the women I go to church with, and the few men I know who were adult enough to try reading it and honest enough to admit they liked it. (Yes, my husband is one of these--he read it even before I met him.)

To my mind, this attitude is a matter of insecurity. Sometimes we don't want to like something because of the stigma associated with that thing. I consider myself a well-read person; I love meaningful, "important" books; I tend to turn up my nose at "summer beach reading," romances, and Oprah's book club.

But I don't need to be afraid that liking Twilight will make me less smart. I don't need to pretend that I don't like something because I'm afraid that it will give the wrong impression of what kind of person I am (see the lovely Melissa's post from the recent contest). And as a culture, we don't need to belittle the things that women like just because women like them.

It's not a secret that women are often under-appreciated, underestimated, and trivialized in the cultures of the world. But that trend is not one in which I want to participate. So from now on, I am out of the closet.

I am a smart girl who loves literature, learning, and the English language. I like to know about the world. I like to defy convention. I like to be myself in spite of what others think.

And I like Twilight.

Recognize Beauty

2010-09-10T08:00:00.002-04:00

Maybe you've already heard this story from the Washington Post before (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html if you're having trouble with the link.) It's the story of a social experiment involving a world-class violinist and a subway station - and it's a fascinating commentary on our society.

How often are we too busy to notice great talent or beauty or excellence because it comes in an ordinary package? Do we see beauty in our friends? Our parents? Our spouses or siblings or children? I think sometimes we forget that extraordinary things often happen in ordinary places. We don't have to be in a museum or a concert hall to experience talent. We don't have to visit the wonders of the world to experience the beauty of nature. No one has to designate something as beautiful or valuable for us to recognize it as such.

We have a winner!

2010-08-31T10:00:00.001-04:00

The votes are in and we have a winner!

Congratulations to Summer Myers! Summer gets to choose between two posters made by annilygreen*. Email us with your choice and contact information and we'll make sure you get your prize.

Thank you again (so so much) to everyone who sent in an essay. They were all beautiful in their own perfect way and we've enjoyed hearing from you.

*Don't forget, both of these posters are available in Annie's Etsy shop for purchase. You can buy one to hang on your very own wall! I certainly intend to do so.

90 Years

2010-08-26T15:42:00.001-04:00

This is later in the day than we usually post, but it was only a few minutes ago that I learned we needed to have a post. We need to have a post, my lovely friends, because today is the 90th anniversary of the adoption of the amendment that gave women the right to vote.

The fight for suffrage in the United States began all the way back in 1848. For sixty years, amazing women attended conventions, picketed the White House, marched in protests and demonstrations, and went to jail in the pursuit of equal political rights.

On August 26, 1920, the amendment was finally made official. It's impossible to do justice to all the women who deserve recognition, but today I hope we can remember their sacrifices and honor them all.

Let the Voting Begin!

2010-08-24T09:00:00.001-04:00

First of all, thanks to everyone who sent us an essay. They were all wonderful and lovely to read.

Second of all, we have a top three for you Lovely Readers to vote on! Go democracy!

So, in no particular order, our top three essays:

Rachel Slough: Rachel Learns to Kill Vampires

Summer Myers: It's Still Okay

Julie W.: Comfortable

Check out the poll on the right side bar and vote for your favorite of the three. Voting will close in one week, August 31st. Happy voting!

Lesson Learned, Agata

2010-08-20T09:00:00.000-04:00

Essay #11 by Agata Mancini. This is our last essay before the voting begins, so start reviewing your favorites!

It was January 2006 and my boyfriend of four years and I had traveled to Australia for six months with a couple of friends. We wanted to work, travel, experience the country - just have an amazing time.

About two weeks into our trip, my boyfriend's father was diagnosed with cancer. Stage four. We couldn't believe it and, I guess because we weren't exposed firsthand to what was happening, were perpetually hopeful that he was strong enough and that "everything's going to be fine." We spoke to him on the phone, shared our positive insights and did our best to cheer him up.

In the beginning of May, my boyfriend decided to go back. His mom had asked him to come home; his dad wasn't doing well.

I couldn't leave. I mean, my little sister had purchased a ticket for Australia and was going to be there in just a few weeks.

I couldn't leave. I knew I needed to support him, but I couldn't leave my family either... My sister was young and my mom was terrified of her being in the country on her own.

I couldn't leave. And what about the rent? We were renting with two friends and I couldn't just leave them hanging like that. They wouldn't be able to afford rent.

So he left May 9 and I stayed.

It was hard.

We broke up a month or so later because he simply couldn't really handle everything that was happening. He needed more support than I could give him over the phone. His father passed away on July 14. On July 16, my birthday, I was on a plane headed for Canada, desperate to make it to the funeral on the 17th.

I made it.

But he didn't want me there.

It was hard to accept. I had been there for the family for four years... but I wasn't there for them when they needed it most - I couldn't just show up when it was all over and offer support. I had let the entire family down, not just him. Worst of all, I never said goodbye to his dad and the last memory he would have had of me was that I had forsaken his son and his family. It was awful.

I still hurts now.
It still brings tears to my eyes to write this
Even though we got back together
Even though he forgave me
Even though we are now married and in love and happy.

In the end, the rent wasn't important. I could have kept paying my share even though I was gone. My sister would have been okay on her own - my friends would have made sure of that. I made the decision I did, because I was worried about disappointing other people. I was thinking with my head, about the logical thing to do, about everything that needed to be taken care of by me. I should have thought with my heart. If I had, I would have been on that plane with him.

Lesson Learned, Summer: It's Still Okay

2010-08-19T09:00:00.003-04:00

Here's essay #10 by Summer Myers. Are you getting your votes ready? We're almost there!

My son Elliot is sleeping in the room next to me with a mild fever, and I'm not worried about it. This is in contrast to the weeks following his birth when every fever, every vomit, and every sniffle warranted tears for me and an immediate doctor visit for him. He was sensitive to my milk when I ate chocolate. He had asymmetrical circulation that caused a red line down the center of his face when he cried. He had torticollis so severe that a lump formed on his neck and projected past his jaw over the course of a day. We took him to the Emergency Room at one o'clock that night; he was sixteen days old. And I sobbed because somebody somewhere mentioned the word "cancer."

None of these amounted to anything. The doctors would say, "It's just one of those things. He'll get over it." And he did. I made myself sick with worry about a bunch of red herrings. I fantasized about a book for new parents - an encyclopedia of every problem a child could ever have - and next to every entry the book would authoritatively state: "This is perfectly normal. It's okay. Don't worry about it." Then we new parents would all sigh and smile and clink our glasses of apple juice together.

There were two little things I wasn't worried about. Elliot was jaundiced. It was bad enough that we were ordered to come back to the hospital after two weeks to check up on it, but I knew jaundice was common and that it was likely to resolve itself. It did. Also, he didn't pass his newborn hearing test. No problem. This is common enough, especially for babies born by caesarean, and there's no history of hearing loss on either side of the family.

But he didn't pass the follow-up test, or the one after that, or the three after that. Elliot was a few months old when we faced the obvious conclusion: our son was deaf. Further testing would be required to determine the severity. My husband and I were heartbroken. We talked to him and sang to him into the evening, aching for him to hear our voices.

Elliot received his first pair of hearing aids at five months old. We had adequately adjusted to the idea by then, though the wound was still healing. We had to laugh at the stares and the questions from strangers around town; it's not every day that you see a little baby with chunky, ill-fitting machinery flopping out of his tiny ears, and a lot of people have a lot to say about it.

One evening, my husband was holding Elliot in an aisle in the grocery store when a little boy of undetermined age walked up and wordlessly hugged our son. He had hearing aids, too. In this one healing act the boy expressed empathy, fellowship, and acceptance to my son. He had hearing aids, too, and it was okay.

Now I fantasize about a different encyclopedia of baby problems - one which reads next to certain entries, "This is not normal. Everything is not perfect. And it's still okay." I am nearly nine months pregnant with our second child, and my husband and I still don't know the cause of Elliot's hearing loss. Our daughter may have hearing impairment, too, or maybe something more complicated. Maybe in the end we'll have a house full of half a dozen kids with twice as many hearing aids: small, expensive things to lose and find and break and replace. Maybe Elliot will struggle with some things in his life that I never will, and I will have to watch from the outside and feel the special heart-sickness of a mother who can't do anything about it.

And it's still okay.

Lesson Learned, Miki: Channel Your Inner Drama

2010-08-18T09:00:00.000-04:00

Here's essay #9 by Miki Esplin.

It's been almost 10 years since I came to the U.S. It feels like I have gone through many changes, trials, great happiness, and transformations in a very short time. I sometimes feel I am on a crazy ride and I need to get off for a bit so I don't get dizzy... Woo!

I was thinking about becoming lovely and for me, a wild, quite odd person who DOES NOT blend with the crowd, I feared my essay will be misunderstood. Which brings me to the lesson I have learned.

The fear of not being understood made me terrified and anxious communicating with people on deeper levels, human levels, bluntly-said levels. This fear made me try to talk and act in a way that I perceived to be "the right way."

Realizing I was acting out of fear, which is never a good thing, I went upon a learning journey to get to the root of the fear and yank it. What I learned is mostly awesome and somewhat sad but true.

When I am true to myself, respect my true core, and respect others' place in life, I am doing the right thing. With that said, being true and not always understood leads to the loss of "friends" or "loved ones."

Seeing life in a positive lovely way sometimes requires stepping in mud and having no one say, "Aw, you poor thing." The loneliness that comes with retrieving your real self is the "downside." The upside is that I have a true sense of who I am: complex, funny, silly, blunt, naive, loving to the point of puking, weird, unique and quite imaginative and dramatic.

Instead of letting that drama come out in my relationships, the drama is to be channeled into my art. Writing. Photography. Music.

The beautiful irony in that is that writing will lead to exposure of feelings and experiences that can make people, once again, not understand me. But the greatest lesson is that my truth and my art is ME.

Those who love me will stick with me, appreciate my sincere intentions and remember always that I love them in my odd, silly, sometimes overwhelming way.

I have released the need to be loved by everyone. How? I have learned that I love myself- and just like I would not give up on a person I love because they are not what I "decide" they should be, I have full confidence that I will not give up on myself, with all my weaknesses and oddness (which I now embrace).

Learning to have a positive outlook on yourself and others is a wonderful inner journey. As we know, we are our thoughts. Which is why repressing hard things can control me- so God gave me art!

I embrace imperfection- It's PERFECT and lovely and I love unconditionally. Peace.

Lesson Learned, Whitney: Be Someone Else's Biggest Fan

2010-08-17T10:00:00.002-04:00

Here's essay #8 by the lovely and brilliant Whitney Roberts Ehle.

As a teenager, I remember several older people at church who would ask me about all the details of my life: my favorite school subjects, crushes on boys, my life goals, etc. These mentors would also tell me that I could take my talents and interests and use them to reach my goals. Their confidence made feel confident that I would be a Broadway singer, a heart surgeon, a famous novelist. I invited my mentors to my high school plays, and they came. After I sang a solo in church, they always made sure to tell me how well I had sung. They encouraged me in my desire to live a Christ-like life by praising me for the good decisions I made. Above all, their interest in my life made me feel insanely fascinating and exciting. I felt good about myself and my abilities when I was with them.

When I left for college, I found myself living in an apartment with six other girls who were all amazingly talented, intelligent, and beautiful. I loved my roommates dearly, and we were really good friends. But I found myself feeling mediocre. My ability to sing or play the piano was no longer anything out of the ordinary. After all, every Mormon girl can sing and play the piano, right? For a long time, I tried to do anything that would bring me the praise and confidence boosts I missed receiving from my high school mentors.

One day when I was singing slightly louder in church, so that the person sitting next to me would compliment me, I realized how ridiculous I was being. Yes, I was being plain ridiculous! The girl sitting next to me had a beautiful voice, and she probably liked it when others told her. After the song was over, I told her that her voice was beautiful, and I learned that I didn’t need to begrudge others the compliments that were their due. Rather than diminish my self-worth by complimenting my neighbor, I had actually increased my confidence. No, I didn’t necessarily feel more capable of conquering the world with song, but I felt more confident in my ability to love.

Lesson Learned: Rachel Learns to Kill Vampires

2010-08-16T08:30:00.006-04:00

Contest entry #7 by Rachel Slough. The contest is now closed, but we're glad we extended it, because more of you responded (including some right at the wire)! (Don't forget that you can alway send us guest posts too - even when there isn't a contest.) Look forward to another week and a half of essays before we vote for a winner!

I love teaching and get a thrill from the surprises and constant variety, and the energy when students make new connections. While teaching one-on-one has always been fun, teaching a full classroom was absolutely terrifying for a long time. All of those eyes on me, the expectation that I keep a room of people engaged and learning; everyone silently, or not so silently, judging my words and actions. I had nightmares about all the horrible things that could happen in a classroom, yet I couldn’t shake this gut-level feeling that teaching would be worth any of these challenges. I knew that I’d have to get over this fear of teaching full classes, so I forced myself to teach as often and in as many settings as I could throughout high school and undergrad. I asked people I trusted for suggestions, I read books, I had others critique my teaching, I learned yoga and breathing techniques. I even spent a year abroad on a teaching grant, which allowed me 30-40 hours of teaching each week and seminars each month related to education and the art of teaching.

But the terror remained and, no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop the rising panic that started every time I began a class and the rushed pace and frantic atmosphere that resulted—exactly the opposite of the safe, comfortable learning environment that I wanted to establish for my students. After all this effort, I still loved teaching, but I was beginning to doubt if I was really doing myself, or anyone else, any good by keeping this up. Maybe it was time to accept, move on, and find something else that I’m better suited to do.Stubborn as I am, I gave myself a mental deadline of just one more semester of effort and kept asking experts for ideas. My graduate supervisor suggested a zen-like approach of just accepting, ok, I get panicky when I teach. That’s just what it feels like. Accept, embrace, go with it. While this helped somewhat, it wasn’t enough to help me slow down or eliminate the panic. I asked another friend, who advised me to Just Kill Those Vampires, explaining that the song “Die Vampire, Die” from Title of Show says it all (warning that there is explicit language).

In other words, identify the demons and thoughts that are keeping me from doing what I need to do, and show them no mercy.

In teaching, it was helpful to be able to name specific vampires: I’m afraid I can’t do this, I’m afraid the students will hate me. Okay, DIE vampires! I can teach; if the students hate me, it doesn’t matter.

Or something like that.

Once the fears had names and identities, eliminating or minimizing them suddenly became easier and made the classroom much more enjoyable. It allowed me to slow my pace, just a little, and to laugh more.

I’m not claiming that this song, or this attitude of trying to identify and kill life’s vampires, has transformed me into a perfect teacher or human being. I still have a looooooong way to go, and, if you were to watch me teach, you’d notice that my pace is still faster than most, and often faster than advisable. I think I may always have a moment of panicked energy right before I teach or face any situation that seems scary for whatever reasons. But being able to notice, name, and kill my vampires has allowed me to find more joy and peace in what I do, both inside and outside the classroom.

Lesson Learned, Emily: Love the Curl

2010-08-13T11:00:00.003-04:00

Contest entry #6 by Emily McBride. Don't forget, tomorrow is the last day to submit an essay.

When I was just starting Kindergarten, my hair fell in long, light-brown ringlets. People would ask my mom how much time she spent curling my hair every morning, to which she replied with a smile, “It’s natural.”

As I grew taller, my hair grew thicker and heavier, leaving me with unruly and uneven curls. I didn’t like my hair anymore and my flat iron became my new best friend. But this wasn’t an easy straightening job. My hair was thick and long and extra curly in the back. Every morning I would drag myself out of bed an entire hour early—just to straighten my hair.

I faithfully straightened my hair every day, and if I woke up late or didn’t feel well, I would just put it in a ponytail. I didn’t know how to control my curls, and I didn’t want to control my curls—I just wanted them to go away. Straight hair was in. I was so jealous of my friends that had naturally straight hair, who could just get out of the shower, part their hair down the middle, and let it dry in the sun.

At some point toward the end of high school, I got sick of straightening my hair. And I also became more sure of myself. I experimented with my brother’s hair gel and my blowdryer one day in the bathroom. I came out triumphant, with sticky, but nevertheless, curly, hair. I started wearing my hair curly to school on the days where I just didn’t feel like I getting up so early. And as time went on, I grew more adept at working with my curls. As I figured out which mousse held best and discovered that blowdrying my hair upside down worked wonders, my straightener began to serve me less and less.

Now, I sometimes go months without straightening my hair—and not because I’m lazy. I have a fancy flat iron now, one that cuts the straightening time in half. But I’ve embraced my curly hair and have come to love it. Short or long—I like my hair best when it’s curly.

So, what’s the point of my hair history? Am I saying that curly hair is better than straight hair? Or am I saying that it’s not worth it to spend time getting ready in the morning? No, not at all. What I’m trying to say is that part of becoming lovely is accepting and being grateful for who you are and working with what you have. Not only does it help you feel better about yourself—but it’s often more convenient, too :)

Lesson Learned, Julie: Comfortable

2010-08-11T10:00:00.001-04:00

Contest entry #5 by another of our favorite contributors, Julie.

I had a hard time feeling comfortable in my skin. Literally. I had a tremendous case of acne from 6^th to 11^th grade. I grew to my height before the boys grew. I really was uncomfortable with myself. In college I tried to keep up with the fads, and once married I tried to keep my home decorated like the neighbors and my hedges pruned. I had happiness. To a certain level.

Finally by the ripe old age of 27 I was able to completely let down my guard. I could see the whole picture. My lesson was learned. Happiness came from what I determined it was. This is simple and obvious. But seriously, it felt like forever until I no longer cared if others were judging me. Or looking at my huge zit. I am what I am. No apologies. This changed the color of my world. This lesson has had the biggest impact on my self esteem and self worth. It is wonderful to feel and know this. I look forward to continuing to grow every year.

Last month I came out of a church restroom with my skirt tucked up in the back of my waistband. Yes, my rear was there full view for any and all to see. You may not see this as drastic, but I am 8 months pregnant and about 30 pounds sexier at the moment. Luckily, there was only one man there to gawk at me, and 2 very kind ladies who scurried over to untuck the fabric. I should have been mortified and then run to hide. Somehow I was not. I was grateful to the ladies, and confident that the male observer took pity and humor on the big fat pregnant lady carrying her 18 month old son. This reaffirms my lesson; I am fine being me, even in my most embarrassing state!

Lesson Learned, Allison: Holly in the Tree House Doing Yoga

2010-08-09T11:00:00.001-04:00

Contest entry #4 by Allison Barnes of An Apple a Day and the We are Women project. Don't forget we've extended the deadline! One more week to get your essays in!

In my childhood, I longed to leave my small hometown, lovingly christened a “bubble.” One morning I decided to “run away” to the tree house in my front yard, returning home minutes later at my mother’s panicked calls. Apparently, Breakfast at Tiffany’s had too much of an influence on me, because if Holly Golightly could run away from her small town and become a socialite in New York, why couldn’t I?

Adulthood hit in the midst of a deteriorating relationship, an unfulfilling job, and a myriad of opportunities to leave everything behind. Instead of becoming a morally-questionable socialite in New York City sometime in the 1940’s, I found myself praying to have more faith. I prayed until I no longer found it an issue. And then I remained in my physical surroundings while emotionally and spiritually moving on.

Or I thought I had moved on, but some of those opportunities still lingered around, waiting for me to be willing, waiting for me to say it’s alright to come back and present themselves.

A friend offering her experience wrote: “For me, it was a huge leap of faith… and finally, I just decided I needed to push forward.” Her words to me resonated. I was scared, she knew it, and she had been, too. But this woman, she had strength and grace, something that I admired deeply and could never imagine attaining myself.

The comfort kept coming throughout the week. At the close of a yoga class, the instructor quietly said: “Make decisions based on truth and love, and ask for peace.”

Between the mat below and the air above, my heart shook at this statement. I did not want to leave Savasana. I wanted to lay there forever, eyes closed, feeling that peace.

So I will run away, but do so with truth, love, and faith. I won’t run to a tree house or swindle old men out of their riches (unless dictated to do so by truth, love, and faith, but I doubt such values would lead me to a tree house or gold digger future). I will move forward by these precepts, and hopefully someday call it a lesson learned.

Contest Deadline Extended

2010-08-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

We have been having a great time posting and reading the essays we have received, we hope you have too.

Since we know there are a few of you out there with essay ideas in the works (and since we want to read more), the contest deadline has been extended one week, to August 14th.

We can't wait to read more essays from you and, in the mean time, we will be posting more entries throughout this week. Enjoy!

P.S. In case you forgot the awesome prize you could win, check it out again over at annilygreen. Here and Here.

Lesson Learned, Jill: Life Isn't Fair

2010-08-06T11:00:00.001-04:00

Contest entry #3 by Jill Berrett. Don't forget you still have until tomorrow to enter the contest! We still want to hear from you all.

"This isn’t fair.”

If I could sum up the majority of my thoughts from the past three or four days I think that the above statement would probably be the winner. “It’s not fair. This is not fair. Not fair, not fair not fair!” Apparently I revert back to my ten-year-old state when under duress, but no matter, because to be honest, this really hasn’t been fair.

Coming from a family of all girls, we were overly obsessed with the concept of fairness. We were instantly aware of any occasion where one sister got more than the rest of us. Desserts were painstakingly measured and cut so we all got equal portions. Christmas presents were counted and recounted to be sure that we all got the same number. Closets were compared to see if perhaps a sister was luckier in her clothing selections than the others were. The words, “not fair” were uttered so much by us that in time they started melding together until a sort of “nofeair” sound was recognized by us all as to mean, “That’s not fair!”

We drove my parents crazy. So much so that my Dad created a mantra that continues to dominate our family life today: “Life’s not fair.” As soon as the little girl, high-pitched whine of, “but that’s not fair!” was heard, we knew that quickly on its heels would come the deep, fatherly-voiced reply of, “well, life’s not fair.”

Strangely enough, I think this concept of my dad's really started to sink it at some point. I’m not sure at what point it was- whenever it was, it look a long, long time, but standing where I am in my life now- today- I find myself saying, when the occasion calls for it, “well, Jill- life’s just not fair.”

So I guess this is what I have learned: Yes, at times I wish things in my life were different. But it'll be okay I suppose because, really- life just isn’t fair...

I did my best. I did what I could. Sure, I didn’t get what I wanted in the end, but at least I know it wasn’t from lack of trying on my part. I may not have gotten what I feel I deserved, but no worries. I’ll simply wait for the day to come when I get something far more than I deserve. Because let’s not forget- there are two sides to every coin. You see, sometimes this whole “life’s not fair” thing can really work out in our favor…

This has been an original essay by one Jill Berrett, copyright pending...

Lesson Learned, Melissa: Don't Limit Yourself

2010-08-04T11:00:00.003-04:00

Contest entry #2, by one of our frequent guest writers, Melissa Turney, who now runs the awesome blog Living in the Motherhood.

I used to consider myself a pretty adventurous person. I’ve always loved to travel to strange and exotic places around the world and immerse myself in their culture—as far as my dollar will allow. I would love to engage in challenges testing my own limits. Before I got married, there were very few things I wouldn’t consider doing once as long as it remained in the bounds of my moral compass and I could afford to do it.

Then I grew up.

I got married, got a job, graduated from college, had a baby…and pretty soon I was pretty well settled in my new found comfort zone. You know—the one where you don’t take overnight trips to foreign countries just for the stamp in your passport or go repelling off a cliff just to impress some cute guy. It is the zone where you see 9 PM flashing on your clock radio and think “Bed time already…Woohoo!”

This summer I took a trip with my daughter up to Island Park Idaho where I spent the better part of my summers as a youth (proof that I’m old…I’m using the word youth). Most of the cousins I spent my time with as a kid were off being adults, so I had the privilege of getting to know some “youthier” cousins and my sister who are all in the 15-19 year range. For some reason this brought out a side of me that I thought had vanished.

Several of my cousins decided it would be fun to go bridge jumping. I do not like heights, falling, or becoming paralyzed so I decided against it. Unfortunately for me, as I stood there watching my cousins hurl themselves off the bridge into the water I began to get that "old" sinking feeling in the depths of my bowels.

I had to jump.

Yes it was hard, yes it took me about ten minutes of standing on the very edge picturing my dead body floating in the river while making others jump before me (including my daredevil 6 year old cousin), but I closed my eyes and jumped into what seemed an eternity until I hit the frigged water of the Snake river and came up feeling awesome. When I emerged from the water my grandpa said, "There is the mother of the year!"

Why didn't I want to take the chance in the first place? Why would I think that becoming an adult would exclude me from such ridiculousness? I was using adulthood as an excuse to prohibit myself rather than a jumping point (no pun intended) to reach my full potential.

This is why three days later I found myself standing on a rock in Yellowstone National Park absolutely naked.

Bridge jumping renewed my desired to go beyond my comfort zone and be spontaneous. My sister and cousins invited me to Mystic falls to go skinny dipping. I'll spare you the details but know that I absolutely did it and I have never felt better doing something illegal in my whole life. Sure, I was afraid I would get swept up in the currant and my naked body would go over the waterfall, sure I was afraid that someone would steal my clothes, or I would get partially eaten by a bear-- then be found naked, but I learned that you are never beyond challenging yourself, you are never beyond adventure.

Life is meant to be lived. For some people it means ignoring your diet to indulge in your favorite dessert, for others it is jumping out of a plane. I learned that you should never limit your choices based on the stereotype you have categorized yourself in. Sure I am an adult. I’m a mom…but I am also Melissa Turney, and she likes a little adventure now and again.

Lesson Learned, Cara: Love, Hope and Loss

2010-08-02T12:00:00.003-04:00

Here's our first contest entry, written by Cara Stone. Don't forget the deadline is August 7th - keep sending us your essays!

"The kind of hugs you give during times of grief are those when you can’t tell which person is the one holding the other up. They are the kind where you are holding so tightly that one could go limp with sorrow and neither would fall. They are the kind where you are trying to convey that, somehow, the world will go on and that you can rely on your friends to be there and understand that your heart is broken and they won’t try to fix it but, rather, just be there with you as you relearn how to navigate the world.”

I wrote those words three days after he died. Let me back up. Over the July 4th weekend a close friend of mine from college got married. Less than twelve hours later one of her closest friends, an usher at her wedding, died unexpectedly at the age of thirty. He left behind a wife, a three-month-old daughter, a father, and friends who loved him like a brother.

I got the call at 1:57 a.m. from the bride, Beth, saying something had happened to Jeremy; she didn’t know the extent of it all but she wanted to let someone else in the wedding party know where she was and what little she knew, and that she’d call back when she knew more. The next call came at 2:09 a.m. Beth managed to get out three words before she couldn’t speak anymore. Before her voice became overwhelmed with grief for the friend she considered a brother. “Jeremy didn’t make it...” she said. The “it” trailed away into sobs. She managed to find a few more words, getting them out through the cries and gasps for air; the message was something along the lines that she didn’t know what to do and she needed someone who could think straight to come to the hospital right away.

I have never been in this kind of situation, so close to the actual moment of death. My heart ached, and continues to ache, for Jeremy’s wife, for Beth and her partner on their wedding night...I couldn’t imagine what they were going through...what they continue to go through.

And yet, I had a different perspective. Though I was greatly saddened by the loss of Jeremy, more of the grief and sadness I felt was that for those who have lost their shared future with Jeremy. I’m not married, but I can’t imagine losing my (someday) husband and never again seeing his smile, the one I would expect to see on the pillow next to me every morning for the rest of my life...to lose the plans we might make to go visit friends next week...to lose the conversations about how to raise our children... to lose the times when the pile of dishes in the sink would be too much and I might wash and he might dry...to lose the idea of growing old together...to lose the shared laughter...to lose the times when we might just sit and be, together...

That night I told myself I never wanted to fall in love so I would never have to face the kind of pain Jeremy’s wife was feeling, the despair and grief. Even now I keep going back and forth...But I have faith that there is so much more to love than just the now. That, somehow, the memory of the love that was shared along with the love and support of friends and family would help me continue, to face each day as it comes. Nothing would be “better;” nothing would be “alright.” It would be a different life than I or anyone else could have envisioned...one that I might not want to face. But it would still have love. As long as there is at least a little bit of love I could still have hope. Though it scares me, I won’t (and can’t) give up on love.

Lesson Learned: Megan Decides to Like Opera

2010-07-30T10:00:00.001-04:00

This is the last of our sample essays before we turn it all over to you. Don't forget about the great prize. We can't wait to hear from you! Don't forget, the deadline is August 7th.

I like mildly inaccessible culture. I happily stood for three hours at a time to see Titus Andronicus, Coriolanus and four other Shakespeare plays at the Globe. I appreciate film festivals with especially esoteric films. I love going to indie rock concerts or bluegrass concerts or classical music concerts. I like ballet and can even get behind some modern dance. I delight in postmodern novels and modernist poetry.

And I'm a big fan of opera.

I didn't always like opera. My parents weren't fans and they would always change the classical music station when someone started belting an aria. Bugs Bunny made fun of it. My first live opera experience was nice, but there were no supertitles and I was a little lost, so it was more of a novelty than anything. It was something to check off my list of snooty things I'd done, and I did it. [dusts off hands.]

Then, a couple of years ago I was simultaneously doing an internship at the Music and Dance Library in the Harold B. Lee Library at BYU, and reading a novel called Bel Canto by Ann Patchett. The novel had several characters who loved opera, and the way they talked about it made me want to join their super-special opera-loving club. The internship provided easy access to lots of CDs, libretti, and effusive music majors. It was time.

So I started checking out stacks of opera CDs. I packed my purse with double- and triple-disc cases: Don Giovanni, The Barber of Seville, The Flying Dutchman, La Traviata, Madama Butterfly, Fidelio, Porgy and Bess, The Rake's Progress.

The thing I think is amazing about this experience is that I set out to like opera, and I liked it. In fact, I loved it. I would sit in the Reading Room with a stack of scores to be cataloged and a pair of those giant headphones, and I would just glory in the sounds. I listened to them in my car or while I was reading in my room. I started having favorite singers and composers (Bryn Terfel, Verdi). I started searching the Utah Opera website for student ticket prices.

My love of opera has served me well. I moved to Indiana the next year, and IU's music school puts on three fantastic operas every semester. I have several operas on my iPod, and they provide a welcome respite when I'm tired of drums and guitars during a long day at work. Operas make me feel good about the world.

But I think more than that, the experience taught me that you can set out to like something and actually end up liking it - maybe even more than you thought you would. I set out to learn to appreciate opera and ended up finding something that brings a lot of joy to my life. Sometimes when there's something I don't expect to like, I remind myself about opera and I think, "I can have positive feelings toward this. I just have to decide that I want to like it."

I'm fond of calling certain things that took me awhile to like "acquired taste ______." Acquired taste music. Acquired taste art. And I guess I say "fond" because the things that I have to work to love often end up being my favorite things. There's something about making a conscious choice to learn to love something that gives me a feeling of ownership and power over my experiences. I choose what I love. I choose to love.

Lesson learned. Thanks, opera.

Lesson Learned: Miri Lets Go

2010-07-28T08:00:00.004-04:00

A few years ago I went through a period of missing many of my college friends, and being really frustrated with the fluid state of relationships that occurs in Provo. I'd had some really good, really close guy friends, who had then gotten married and vanished from my life. Even though we'd never had any romantic involvement, they'd cut off all contact with me--and some other mutual friends--when they got engaged, as though they felt that they couldn't be friends with me anymore.

This didn't make me feel very good. For one thing, I began to feel as though my friendship with these guys had just been a placeholder relationship, that they were using me to fill a space in between girlfriends. For another, I just really missed their company. Most of these relationships were actually very short as relationships go--about the length of a semester, on average--but because they involved a lot of loooong conversations, often until early hours of the morning, we'd gotten to know each other really well, and they'd come to be pretty important to me.

I had a hard time with this for a while. I wrote some whiny blog posts and complained to my girlfriends, lamenting my situation, denouncing the awkwardness of BYU's male/female dynamics and blaming it for my predicament. (I have a slight tendency toward the dramatic in situations like these... I feel things very strongly.)

And then one day I stumbled across a quote that really struck me, and I wrote the following:

"That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet." --Emily Dickinson

I read this quote on my friend Alanna's Facebook profile, and suddenly I felt very silly for being so upset. Most things about life are temporary. That's just something we all have to deal with. So when things change in our lives, when people move on, we should be grateful for the time that we had with them, the things we learned, the memories that we'll always have... instead of being depressed that we can't go back to the way things were. If we could always go back to the way things were, we probably would, because people tend to cling to the familiar. But then we'd miss out on so much of what's waiting for us down the road; and when you look at it in retrospect, you can see that the things that you didn't know were waiting for you are usually just as sweet as the things you had to leave behind to get there.

So this is my lesson learned: That we are meant to experience life, not capture it.

People come into our lives, and then some of them leave. Sometimes we don't know why. But the nature of life is change, and no one can avoid it. Instead of being regretful about the loss of something we love, instead of letting that whole chapter become tainted with negative feelings, we should cherish our memories and be grateful for having had the experience.

Lesson Learned: Lindsey Got Her Bottom Stuck in a Chair

2010-07-26T09:15:00.000-04:00

It's time to kick things off with the writing contest! We will be posting our Lessons Learned this week to hopefully help inspire you to write your own. Ours will not be in the running for the prize (even though we love, love, LOVE Annie's posters). Remember, email us your entry by August 7th! Happy writing!

When I was five years old I got my bottom stuck in a chair.

I was watching Muppet Babies and sitting (read: climbing) on a wooden chair. I never listened when my mom told me to use the chair correctly, I always put the back of the chair on the floor and climbed in and out of the legs. Sometimes I used the legs as roads for Matchbox cars. On that day, though, I sat in the space between the bottom of the chair seat and the rung that went across the legs of the chair and my bottom just settled in.

I screamed and cried as I realized I was quite thoroughly stuck. Of course, my two older brothers were the first to find me. My mom came in next and was nice enough not to say "I told you so" as she tried to pull me out. I was buttered up while my brothers (and my mother) laughed at the ridiculous situation. The butter didn't work and my back was scraping against the chair. Soon, my mom announced that she would have to call our neighbor to come SAW ME OUT...with a SAW.

As I hugged my knees (which were hanging out by my shoulders) and cried, I realized that I would rather stay stuck in that chair forever than let anyone else know about it. Also, I didn't want a saw anywhere near me. I was a little nervous about being sawed out of a chair, but more embarrassed that my neighbor would be the one to do it. I mean, how does a phone call like that go?

"Hi Neighbor! Say, do you mind coming over with a saw and helping me free my youngest child from the nefarious clutches of our dining chair?"

"Why certainly! That's a totally normal thing for a neighbor to have to do. I'll be right over!"

Eventually, I was freed and patched up and I resumed my TV watching, feeling completely and totally embarrassed. It's still one of those stories that need only be mentioned and my whole family will laugh. My brothers never let me forget, because that's what brothers do, right? But, up until a few years ago, I never wanted anyone else to know about it, which is funny because I do completely embarrassing things ALL. THE. TIME.

So I guess I didn't really learn a lesson by getting my bottom stuck in a chair, but, in hindsight, I know that it was an important thing that happened to me. I think it was the first time I remember worrying about what other people thought of me. Not only worrying about what they thought of me but wanting to make a decision (to stay stuck in the chair) that would keep me from moving forward (getting unstuck) based solely on what they thought. It's silly to be so focused on what other people will think of you that you lose focus on things you want to do or adventures you could have.

A Lovely Contest

2010-07-20T16:41:00.000-04:00

In an effort to get to know you, our amazing Lovely Readers, better (and also in an effort to make you send us that guest post you've been thinking about for months but never got around to writing), we have decided to hold an essay contest. A contest! With a prize!! Tres exciting, right?

So you write an essay (700 words max, although if you go over by a little, we won't hate you) and email it to us and we will post it. The category is "Lesson Learned," which basically means we want to hear about your embarrassing moments, good days, bad days, victories, failures, etc. Tell us about something that has happened to you that was a turning point of sorts - or maybe just an "a-HA!" moment. It can be something tiny that caused a big change, something big that caused a tiny but significant change, a thing and change of somewhat equal size - anything. Funny, sad, deep, random - we want it all!

As a bonus, you'll get an essay from each of us while you are thinking about what to send in. We will be posting our essays next week while we anxiously await your emails. After our posts, we'll start posting yours until they've all been posted and everyone has had a chance to read them. At that point, we will each pick our favorite essays and put the top three to a vote. The winner will be picked by you, our lovely readers.

Now we get to our awesome, fabulous prize. Our dear friend, Annie (author of Ultra Vroom, mother of an adorable toddling type person and mastermind behind annilygreen), has created a beautiful and Lovely Blog-centric fabric poster for our winner. The winner will be able to choose from two styles here and here (also pictured below). And if you don't win, she will still make you a poster just like these - you'll just have to buy it. We're all coveting them and saving our pennies.

So did you get all that? Just in case, here are the simple facts:

Lesson Learned – Essay Contest

Submit an essay (700 words or fewer) about a turning point in your life – it can be funny, embarrassing, sad, sarcastic, uplifting… the list goes on and on. As long as it’s about you, we want to read it.

Entries will be posted on this blog, On How to be Lovely, and there will be a vote for the winner.

Submission deadline is August 7th.

Mix It Up

2010-07-19T10:00:00.000-04:00

"Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it's lovely to be silly at the right moment." - Horace

Allons-y!

2010-07-14T10:00:00.006-04:00

Anyone remember back when Megan was watching Doctor Who and loved it so much she found a way to include it in a post? Well, in case you don't remember, check it out here.

The reason I mention this is because Netflix released Doctor Who on instant watch. This just so happened to coincide with an empty Hulu queue for yours truly. And now I'm obsessed. I won't go into detail (and believe me, it's REALLY hard not to do that), but it's pretty much the best show ever created. EVER. Can you tell how much I mean this by my use of capitalization?

But this post isn't to yell at you about how utterly brilliant and fantastic The Doctor is (he really, really is both of those things, fictional or not); it's about things that make you happy.

Sometimes I get stuck in a rut. Sometimes it takes finding something new and awesome that makes me happy to realize that I was in a rut and that, thank goodness, I got out of it before it started causing too much stress. I probably love Doctor Who a little bit more because I think it helped keep me from diving head first into a rut.

Maybe that's confusing. Wouldn't surprise me if it was. The short of it is I lost my job (laid off, yet again). So I'm back (never stopped) looking for a new job. Having something to distract me when I needed a distraction, something to be excited and nerdy about, helped me deal a little better with the news. That and the fact that I wanted to quit that job oh so very much, that helped too. But when I did start to stress, I knew I had something there to cheer me up and get my mind off the stress for a little bit.

Now, I'm not saying you should all go out and watch Doctor Who (seriously though, you should all go out and watch Doctor Who), but we all have things that can help us through the rough bits. Maybe it's a good run or lunch with friends or a fantastic book....it could be anything. But it helps so much to have something to be excited about, something to look forward to and something to just sit back and enjoy for the pure happiness of it.

Just Do It

2010-07-13T14:29:00.000-04:00

"How to be Smarter: You’re not getting any younger. If you want to write a book, you better start today. If you love someone, you better tell them now. If you want to be healthier, put down those sweets in your hand. Whatever you’re afraid to do, it’s certainly not going to be easier to start tomorrow."

The last line of this entry is what really hooked me. I kind of love how simple it is, and yet how often do we convince ourselves that the opposite is true! Putting things off never made them any easier; if anything, it makes them harder because we've had time to worry about them and build them up in our heads. If there's something you have to do, just do it.

Saturday Snapshot: Relax

2010-07-10T10:00:00.002-04:00

The cliffs on Martha's Vineyard and the first commissioned lighthouse in the United States.
Some places are just too beautiful for words.

Feel Good

2010-07-09T10:35:00.000-04:00

I came across this list while browsing one of my favorite blogs (Tangled and True). I love the idea of having a "feelgood list."

There are times when you just don't feel good. Times when depression or stress take away your ability to naturally do whatever it is that makes you feel good. You have to make a conscious effort to get up and get yourself ready for the day or to interact with people, to laugh and play, even to eat. Here is what the designer has to say about her reasons for creating this list:

Deep in the throes of postpartum depression, when it felt like I would never get better ever again, I made myself a list. The therapy was okay; my journal helped; my husband was great. But I needed to go at that thing with every possible weapon in the feel-good arsenal.

I read all the literature on depression; I researched neurochemistry as best I could. And then I sat down and listed every single thing I could think of that might help me feel better. Things my doctors had told me; things I knew about myself. I wrote them all down.

And then I started checking them off.

I never once got the whole thing checked off in a week, but working at it and seeing how much effort I was putting into my recovery made it start to feel like, well, recovery.

Now that I’m better I see that it’s not really a recovery list so much as a life list. It’s like my own best advice to myself. My own little reminder to be kind to myself, to make myself a priority, and to take time to stay healthy so that I don’t slide back down the dreaded, dreaded hill.

I just love that. As women, as mothers and daughters and sisters and friends, we all need a reminder to be more kind to ourselves, to take time for ourselves so we can continue to take care of the other people around us. Making a list is so simple it almost seems silly, and goodness knows I love a good list, but if that's what it takes to help pull you out of whatever it is that is dragging you down, then why not?

Conversationalizing

2010-07-05T09:00:00.004-04:00

I loved these entries from Smart, Pretty, and Awkward; they're from different days, but they're all about being kind and helping people to feel comfortable and included.

How to be (less) Awkward: In a group conversation, never let anyone become an island. Always be working to make sure everyone feels connected, involved and included in the conversation.

How to be (less) Awkward: One of the quickest ways to draw others out of their shell is to ask about people important to them in their life. When someone asks me what’s new, and I’m feeling shy, I usually just say “oh you know–same old!” But if someone asks me what’s new in my best friend’s life, or how my sister likes college, or if my roommate has gotten a dog yet–I go on and on. When I feel shy, I find it is so much easier to talk about others rather than myself, and so I imagine others feel the same way.

How to be Smarter: Focus on being interested in others, rather than being interesting to others. By being interested, you instantly become interesting.

I think one of the biggest mistakes we all make is assuming that other people are more than us--more relaxed, more popular, more interesting, more put-together, smarter, cooler... Whatever. But feeling insecure about ourselves can sometimes prevent us from reaching out toward others who may actually be feeling just as uncomfortable as we are.

The Economics of Beauty

2010-06-29T09:30:00.000-04:00

Every time I watch a movie I am surprised at the number of really beautiful women there are in the world. It always seems like I can't imagine how there could be another one so pretty, and yet the next time I see a movie (or look at a magazine cover, or just walk around somewhere public like a mall), there's one I haven't seen before. With all the fuss we make over beautiful people, you'd think there would be a lot fewer of them than there are.

Which has led me to realize--so abruptly, in fact, that I am texting this to myself from my seat in the movie theater--why our obsession with beauty is so silly.

Physical beauty is not rare. There are millions of absolutely gorgeous people in this world. There's nothing unique about it, no reason why it should be in such high demand. It certainly wouldn't be if the laws of economics applied here.

Beauty isn't inherently good, either, at least in reference to what kind of people have it. There are plenty of truly crap people who are cruel and thoughtless, but also beautiful.

You don't get to be beautiful by doing anything special, and you don't become a better person for it. It's not a quality you can develop. In fact, if our culture weren't shallow, superficial, and entirely backward in so many of the things it considers important, beauty would be the most worthless quality a person could have.

There are countless, endless, limitless numbers of really really ridiculously good-looking people in the world, so if the only thing a person has going for them is their beauty, then they don't have much at all. They're easily replaceable by any number of others. (Which is, perhaps, why Hollywood etc. are so obsessed with their looks... But that is sad, and makes me feel like we should pity them instead of envying.)

Kindness, cleverness, compassion, determination, etc.--these are special qualities. These are things that make you unique, that say something about who you are, that make you different from others. These are things that count. One day beauty will be gone, and in the end I think we'll finally discover that it didn't mean anything to begin with.

2010-06-28T10:00:00.000-04:00

"Goals are stars to steer by, not sticks to beat yourself with." -Barbara B. Smith

2010-06-24T10:00:00.000-04:00

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." - George Bernard Shaw

Best Imitation of Myself

2010-06-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder about how other people see me. I feel like there are so many different versions of me out there in the world just floating around. There is shy, independent, baby sister me; emotional high school me; funny, stressed, happy college me; me on a Friday night or me on a Monday morning; me with my friends and family and me at work. All of those versions (and so many others) make up the whole, but sometimes it bothers me that most people will only ever see one version of me.

There will be people who only interact with me once or twice and maybe I'll be having a terrible, no good day and they'll see and remember that not so lovely version of me. There will be people that, regardless of how much time and effort we both make, will never experience a version of me that works for them (and vice versa). There will also be those select few who will get a chance to see the whole package...and they will still love me, even when dealing with crazy, over-bearing control freak me.

I think that, in the end, people will see what they want to see. All I can do is remember that everyone is dealing with their own doubts, moods, fears, troubles, etc. and try to be the best version of myself regardless of those things.

Harmony

2010-06-22T10:00:00.000-04:00

via decor8

Not How it Happens in the Storybooks

2010-06-21T09:00:00.001-04:00

I watched this wonderful episode of Sesame Street with Lana this morning, and it reminded me of our Post About Disney Princesses from back in March.

Here's what happens: Abby, Rosita, and a penguin are playing princess. Paul Rudd plays a handsome prince. More specifically, he plays the handsome prince, the one from all the fairy tales. And he keeps showing up when the princesses are in trouble, determined to save them.

But alas, our poor prince is foiled again and again; not by the evil schemes of a fairy tale villain, but--goodness gracious--by the resourcefulness of the very princesses he is trying to save! When Penguin gets stuck up on a balcony, he cries "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your long hair!" And then Abby points out that Penguin doesn't have any hair. While the prince stands there, flummoxed by his failure, Abby flies up and rescues the penguin herself.

The scenario repeats when the penguin has lost her ice skate, and again when she has skated so enthusiastically that she's flung herself into a mailbox and gotten stuck. Each time the prince shows up, ready to save the day; and each time he discovers, to his chagrin, that the princesses are perfectly capable of saving themselves.

I've included the clip I found on YouTube (which I hope isn't violating any copyrights... but if YouTube hasn't had to take it down, then it should be okay, right?). It's about ten minutes long, and if nothing else, you should watch it for Paul Rudd's amazing performance.

As much as I adore Paul Rudd as a foppish, conceited young prince, I love the moral of the story even better: That girls can take care of themselves, and don't need to be rescued by princes every time something goes wrong. And I really love that at the end of the episode, they talk the prince into playing football with them. Yay for Sesame Street, and a lovely message for little princesses everywhere.

Let's Make A Pact

2010-06-18T12:02:00.000-04:00

A few years ago, I was sitting in my living room in my college apartment watching (because it was there) A Little Princess. There's a line in this movie where Sarah turns to Becky and says, "Becky, let's make a pact. I've always thought of us as sisters. Let's promise to always take care of each other."

At the time, I was sharing the living room with my roommate Mandy, who wanted to watch the movie, and my friend Nate, who was there trying to teach me how to use Excel. Right after this scene, without missing a beat, Mandy turned to Nate and said, "Nate, let's make a pact. I've always thought of us as sisters. Let's promise to always take care of each other."

Tragically, Nate didn't make much of a sister (although we did call him Sister Nate for the rest of the year). However, I liked the idea of defining sisterhood as a mutual desire to look out for one another, and I've always been amazed at how much taking care of someone increases my love for them.

I've been watching some friends going through some tough times lately, and I've been coping with some mildly difficult things myself, and I've been watching the way people step in to try to help, even when they don't have anything to offer but their love. I'm fascinated by the way that finding someone who has had a similar experience can make a bad situation better, just because it's nice knowing someone understands. I love the way I am made better when I can pull myself out of my own drama long enough to see how I can try to help someone through theirs.

So, lovely readers, let's make a pact.

Rock Bottom

2010-06-17T09:00:00.002-04:00

"Isn’t it the moment of most profound doubt that gives birth to new certainties? Perhaps hopelessness is the very soil that nourishes human hope; perhaps one could never find sense in life without first experiencing its absurdity."
--Vaclav Havel

View from the Bottom of a Well, courtesy of clickykbd on flickr

Sometimes getting to rock bottom is what enables you to finally take a step that you've been needing to take for a long time. It takes a lot less courage to make a big change when you having nothing left to lose, and sometimes maybe that's life's way of helping us out. When you're at the bottom, there's nowhere to go but up.